Young Writers Society

The wind howled though my long, dark hair, stirring what I thought had been under control. The sky was clear, nothing but a bright yellow moon, it’s light touch everything on the earthy surface. Crickets were crupping and curious eyes of my fellow predators peered from their hiding places. It was all too tempting, too easy to fall in step with a life I once knew. I knew it was risky, knew that it could cause me my life, but that was half the fun. I sucked in the chilly air, teasing myself. I could already picture the sounds, the smells, even the tastes that only I could feel.

I knocked softly, willing the woman to come outside. “Trick or treat.” I held up my bag and showed off my newly sharpened fangs.

“Aw,” she said filling my bag with filling my bag with Kit-Kats and Starbursts. “what are you supposed to be, Sweetheart?”

“Vampire.” You know what, old habits, they do die hard.

Oh and by the way it looked so much longer on my newbook page....just saying.

The wind howled though my long, dark hair, Not fond of describing people in the first sentence. Comes off quite eager and a bit dull. stirring what I thought had been under control. Good - you present the conflict at once. The sky was clear, nothing but a bright yellow moon, its light touching everything on the earthy surface. Crickets were crupping If you didn't mean chirping and sincerely made that word up, I love you for it. x] and the curious eyes of my fellow predators peered from their hiding places. It was all too tempting, too easy to fall in step with a life I once knew. I knew it was risky, knew that it could cause me my life, but that was half the fun. My only problem is that it feels really infodumpy. More on this later. I sucked in the chilly air, teasing myself. I could already picture the sounds, the smells, even the tastes that only I could feel. Describe them, please.

I knocked softly, willing the woman to come outside. “Trick or treat.” I held up my bag and showed off my newly sharpened fangs.

“Aw,” she said filling my bag with filling my bag with Kit-Kats and Starbursts. “What are you supposed to be, Sweetheart?” Funny she'd ask that. Even the reader would know the girl's a vampire by the newly-sharpened fangs line. It feels forced.

“Vampire.” You know what, old habits? They do die hard. Without the "do" it doesn't quite pack the same punch, but the "do" is seriously hampering the flow.

Okay! Let's check this, shall we?

So it's short, sweet, and I'd say it *could* have been effective had you not given yourself away so early in the piece. The newly-sharpened fangs bit, the part about the hair, and the general feel of this gave your ending away so it didn't have as much suspense as it could have packed.

I'd actually recommend a little more vagueness. It's unbecoming in most pieces, vagueness, but this one will rely on the reader not actually understanding what's going on until you pull out the ending.

I'd like you to focus more on emotion here. Sure you have a voice, but it's stilted. There's not enough emotions in there. It feels seriously flat for a first-person narrative. We don't feel her need - you only tell us her need, but you didn't really show us. Let me give an example.

I could already picture the sounds, the smells, even the tastes that only I could feel.

This is telling disguised as showing. Sure it's *technically* showing, but it's actually telling if you look close enough.

To show it would be to actually give details on what the sounds, smells, tastes she could feel were. What, did the night air feel a touch more sour, sweatier, perhaps, than the night before? Or maybe the air was filled with children's shrieks, but not of the normal kind - the one where children were arguing with their parents, but the kind that almost makes your MC feel like a child again, with all the chaos of Halloween ringing around her? Give the reader's senses something to hold on to, something to use as an anchor in your world.

You do a lot of those, here. Telling disguised as showing, I mean. Don't worry! This is better than straight-out telling. It shows me you're trying to set up the world right - and you're on the right track. Just keep at it, and soon showing will feel as easy as breathing.

Another area I want you to explore is the bit about temptation. Don't expand it too long - the length of this is more or less perfect - just dip into it a bit, show a little more, less tell. How is it tempting? (And again, don't mention drinking blood - keep up the suspense. She could possibly be fascinated by blood, but try not to make it so obvious she wants to drink blood.)

In the beginning you were actually doing well; it's only later on that you falter. I'd like you to keep the moment of the beginning and maintain it through the piece, possibly even turn it up higher a notch so that when she announces she's a vampire, people actually feel a chill pass through them.

Also, shorter sentences won't really hurt your piece, but that's up to you to decide. I just thought it felt dragging because your sentences didn't really vary in length in that first paragraph. It felt more or less the same, sentence after sentence. Adding a little sentence there could help, but don't take my word on this - I'm fond of more detached, free styles, and this isn't everyone's cup of tea. (Might not even work in this piece, come to think of it. Long sentences do well to set up your mood - kind of gloomy and overcast.)

Anyway, good luck with revising this piece! Remember: you want to keep the audience guessing until you reveal it's a vampire. Try to focus on her emotions - hunger, temptation, etc. That ought to amp up the tension. ^^

Sorry it's a short review. oo" I hope you found it helpful anyway~

Sincerely,

Octave