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Go to Hell (Part 2 of 2)



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Sat Jun 25, 2011 9:14 am
mikepyro says...



“-and once you get used to all the screaming it’s not such a big deal.”
I glanced up from my trance and returned to my conversation with Gary, the demon security guard.
“So what’s it like on Earth?” he asked.
“Honestly?”
Gary nodded, eyes lit with curiosity, fiery hair bouncing.
“It’s a lot like here, I guess, as far as what you guys look like. A lot more trees and grass and convenience stores.”
“Convenience stores?”
“Yeah. You know, like a grocery store but smaller.”
“Grocery…?”
“You’ve never read about them in those books of yours?” I asked, nodding towards the towering stack of novels underneath Gary’s desk.
“Oh, I don’t read books," he replied.
“But just a while ago I saw you flipping through one.”
Gary smiled sheepishly and tapped at the pile with his foot, knocking it over. He bent down to reorganize. “Yeah, I do that when I’m bored, which is often. And people tend to ask less of you when they think you’re reading. It’s like you’re too smart to be bothered.”
I sighed and rubbed my eyes, muttering to myself. “You and Randy would be good friends.”
“What’s that?”
“Nothing.”
“So how’re you enjoying your stay?”
“As much as you can enjoy being dead.”
Gary nodded. He pulled a pencil and notebook out from a drawer and scribbled across it, knees raised and blocking my view.
“I always wondered, what’s it like?” he asked.
“What is what like?”
“Dying.”
I clicked my teeth together, trying to think of the best way to answer the question. “Well, it hurts, I’d say that’s probably a distinguishing characteristic, but not always. A big bright light and then darkness. And then more light. Pretty much what I expected. I’d imagine it can be really bad, but sometimes it can be like...I don’t know…like falling asleep after a really hard day’s work. Only when you wake up you’re in Heaven. Or in the middle of the desert, whichever’s more appropriate. I guess demons don’t have to worry about that. ”
“We do.”
“Demons can die?”
“Yeah, you humans too once you get here, though it sounds like it’s a lot different from what you guys go through. I mean I’ve died three times already.”
“Do tell.”
“Well the first time was kind of embarrassing. See I went out on my room’s balcony, naked except for a pair of socks on my horns—”
“You know what, I think you can skip to the ‘what happens when demons die’ part,” I said, shuddering as I tried to shake the image from my mind.
“Well for us it’s not much of a big deal, more of an inconvenience really. You just kind of drop down into the next level. And there’s all this paperwork you have to fill out to get a transfer back to your original position. Real hassle.”
“And what about humans?”
“Humans tend to stay there unless it’s a big deal. We kind of have a good behavior thing where people who don’t cross the line get promoted up a circle. But still, a circle of Hell is a circle of Hell. You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”
“So you die here you drop one level down, kind of like a video game?”
Gary furrowed his brow. “Video game?”
I turned and made my way out the building. “Just read, Gary, read and you’ll know.”
The blinding sun hit me like a searchlight as I walked out towards the hotel. The radio on the balcony above had switched to a more soothing style with a rendition of “What if God was One of Us?” I pulled out the set of silver keys Satan had given me and spun them around the tip of my finger. The sound of rushing water hit my ears as I stepped inside the lobby.
In the middle of the floor sat an exquisitely carved stature of what appeared to be a shirtless Ben Affleck fighting off a mountain lion, standing knee deep in the fountain. A stream of water shot out from the fangs of the beast as well as the double barreled shotgun Ben held in one hand and the crying mouth of the innocent child he kept safe in the other. I made my way to the front desk, eyes locked upon the sight.
“What…the…f—” was all I managed before a familiar voice interrupted.
“A beaut, ain’t it?”
I turned to see Gary sitting behind the front desk. He wore a gray suit with large golden buttons, his security guard outfit abandoned, red hair covered by a Concierge hat. In his lap sat a mammoth textbook discussing what appeared to be the Theory of Quantum Mechanics.
“How can I help you?”
I glanced back at the form of the assignment building I’d exited just a few minutes beforehand, stumbling over my words and pointing listlessly back. “Weren’t…weren’t you just…just there?”
“Room 713, right? The mistransfers? Boss phoned ahead so you’re good. Elevator’s around the corner. When you exit, room should be the third on the right. Feel free to call if you need anything,” the demon said, not once lifting his eyes from the complex text.
I turned and made my way to the elevators, glancing back once at the fountain before I stepped on. Ben appeared to now be locked in a battle with some hideous snake-haired beast, though it may have just been a scene from Gigli.

***

"Oh...uh, hi. Uh..." Randy sputtered as he backed away from the girl, resisting the urge to clutch his testicles for safekeeping.
"Emily."
"Yes…Emily. Sorry. I'd best get going."
Emily giggled. Her business demeanor had vanished. Randy's fear melted away.
"What's that you've got there?" she asked, pointing to the bag.
"Nothing. It's just—"
"Relax, I know my dad doesn't eat the sandwiches. In fact I think he might be a vegetarian."
"What an image," Randy said.
The two stood quietly. Randy was aware of the awkward silence. He broke it.
"Well I'd better get going."
"Of course," Emily said, stepping aside.
Randy skirted his way past the demon and began to make his way down the hall. He stopped, shuffling his feet and running his hands over the plastic encased delicacy. He sighed.
"What the hell."
He turned back. "Emily?"
"Yes?"
"I have a few days here before I leave. Big shocker, turns out I’m not supposed to be dead. Case of mistaken identity. Anyways, I was wondering...would you, uh… would you like to eat out? I mean like…like get some food somewhere?"
Randy expected to suddenly find himself without testicles. Nothing came. He waited for the vixen to reject him.
"You want to go out? Like a date?" Emily asked.
"Not so much a date as a casual meeting of minds...yeah, a date.”
"Aren't you afraid?"
"Of what?"
"Of me! I'm a demon! How do you know I won't feast on your heart the moment you arrive?"
"I'll take my chances," Randy said.
Emily's eyes brightened. She spoke cautiously. "What about my father?
"Oh, he scares the crap out of me, but I think I can handle it."
"You're really not scared?"
"I don't have much to fear right now. I'm dead."
Emily nodded and clasped her hands together, swaying slightly. She straightened, brushing back a strand of auburn hair that fluttered across her cheek.
"Okay. You can come by my room, number 713, around eight."
Randy stuttered. He rubbed the back of his neck.
"Your, umm…your room? I figured we'd go out to a restaurant or, you know, something of that manner."
"Trust me; you don't want to eat the food at our restaurants," Emily said.
“How will I know when to arrive? Bill told me time doesn’t exist here.”
“It does. I think his watch is just broken.”
"Okay then, eight o' clock?"
"Eight o' clock."
Randy turned and stumbled over his own feet, catching himself at the last second. His face blossomed. He looked back to see Emily smiling.
"Almost tripped," he said.
"I saw."
"I'll be going now."
"Bye, Randy."
Emily entered her father's office, closing the door behind her.

***

Randy was halfway down the hall when he stopped in his tracks.
"Wait a minute, what the hell did I just do?"

***

"You did what?”
Randy sat on the hotel bed, flipping through the TV channels, unaware of my presence. A mound of clothing scavenged from the closets of our room lay beside him.
"Have you seen this TV? Jesus, it's nothing but reruns of Big Brother and The Bachelor. This is torture."
"Randy."
"And the film selection…they all star Ben Affleck."
"Randy!"
Randy groaned and let the remote drop. "Okay, I may have asked Satan's daughter out even after he threatened to tear off my manhood and feed it to me. I also may have endangered our chances of ever getting back home. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"Yes."
"So do you feel better?"
"Of course not!"
"Then what do you want from me?"
“I want you to sit your ass down and watch TV until Satan can get us out of here.”
“No way.”
I grabbed Randy by the scruff of the neck and threw him back. He bounced off the bed and rolled to the side. I waited for him to rise.
“Randy, you’re my bud, but I will hurt you if I have to!”
I advanced cautiously, peering over the edge of the bed. Randy was gone.
“How the—” I began, but never had the chance to finish.
A shadow rose. Randy leapt from his position atop the bed and onto my back. I stumbled forward, waving my arms from side to side.
“How did you do that?” I grunted, spinning round and knocking Randy into the TV, tipping it forward. It fell with a thunderous crash, glass shattered with a thin puff of smoke.
I ceased my struggles and stared at the broken television set, Randy still hanging from my neck, legs locked around my torso. The front door swung open and Gary entered, dressed this time in a ratty repair man’s uniform and a backwards cap. He held an identical TV set with a clipboard resting on top.
“Good evening, sirs,” he said as he placed the new TV atop the stand, plugging it in and checking the channels.
He handed me the clipboard. “Just sign here.”
I scribbled my signature as best I could, seeing as how Randy still hadn’t let go. Gary scanned the form and nodded, gathering up the smashed TV and opening the door to the hall.
“First replacement’s complimentary; try not to play so rough, you two,” he said and exited without another word.
I stood still, absorbed in a sudden brain fart. Randy took the opportunity to poke me in the eye, snatch up his pile of clothes, and race to the bathroom, slamming the door in my face.
"I'm sorry, Bill, but I'm going,” he said, voice muffled by the door which prevented me from tackling him.
"You're not. You're not going to put me at risk. I have a family, remember? You have a...a cat. What do you think will happen to Mittens?"
No reply from the other side. The door swung open and Randy stepped out donning a new set of clothes. A horrid purple jacket, Leonard Skinner T-Shirt, at least a century old set of dress pants, and, lest I forget, a piano key necktie. I forgot my urge to smack him long enough to try and disguise a thin smile.
“It’s all that fit,” Randy said.
“Oh, I’m sure she’ll love it.”
Randy shook his head and stared at the mirror, fiddling with a stray hair. "Bill, you're my best friend, you should have seen her when we spoke. She's beautiful. More beautiful than anything or anyone I've ever seen. I feel something, man. She saw into me; into my heart."
“You have got to stop acting like a poet.”
“I thought it sounded pretty good.”
I shook my head and stepped aside. "Get out of here, Randy."
I grabbed hold of his shoulder as he passed. "She'd better be worth it.”
The door to the guest room opened and shut. I flicked on the tube and tuned into Pearl Harbor. On TV, Ben Affleck fell in love, fought for his life, and cried like a baby, all without once changing his facial expression.

***

"You know, I've never spoken to a human after they entered my father's office."
"Really?"
"Not a one."
Randy sat beside Emily on a threadbare rug. She was dressed in a set of purple pajamas patterned with moons and stars. He looked strangely out of place in his mismatched wardrobe.
"You should have worn your old clothes. You look ridiculous," Emily said, snickering.
"You're one to talk. Who goes on a date in their pajamas?"
They laughed together. Randy watched as her hair danced across her eyes. He felt at peace.
"Do you hate us?" he asked.
"Who?"
“Us humans. The creatures this place is built for."
"Of course not."
"Really?"
Emily smiled. "When I was a little girl, this was centuries ago, I would watch humans down on Earth. I would see the vileness, the corruption, the evil, sure, I got enough of that from my father, but I also saw the good. I saw the boundless love you humans feel for one another. The love that unites families and civilizations. The same love that begins wars across the seas and ends in death. I used to think it was silly that two people would rather die together than live apart, but as I grew, I learned that you humans are no worse for wear than us demons. You have faults, you fight, you argue, you die, but it’s the lives you lead that make me admire you so."
Emily stared into Randy's eyes. "Come here."
"What?"
"Come over here," she said, beckoning him.
Randy pushed the TV trays aside and sat in front of the beautiful girl. Emily raised her hands and shook them lightly. She steadied them on either side of Randy's face. Her breathing quickened.
"Emily?" Randy asked, a little uncertain.
"Shh."
From the middle of her palms a soft glow emerged. It started weakly then grew into a blinding light. She placed her hands upon Randy's face. Warmth spread through his body, dripping through his limbs. He felt swallowed by it. Enraptured. The glow died.
With a gasp Emily lowered her arms. She sat still, catching her breath. Randy said nothing. Emily stood and walked out of the living room, leaving him alone. She returned, clutching a small vanity mirror to her chest. She dropped to her knees and tossed him the mirror.
"Look into the glass. See your reflection," she whispered.
Randy grasped the mirror's handle, drumming his fingers along the sides. "If you made me break out in boils, I'm gonna kick your butt."
"Just look."
Randy raised the mirror to his face. It was normal. The tread marks from the truck that had ended his life had vanished. He rubbed his hands over his cheek. The dull pain that had sparked whenever he did so was gone. He laughed in shock.
"How—"
"I'm a demon, remember?" Emily replied with a smirk.

***

I lay on my back, rubbing my hand over my chest and tracing the name of the 70s skin flick imprinted there.
"It's not so bad, this Hell place. Aside from the fire and brimstone and Ben Affleck marathons, it's not so bad," I whispered, fully aware that I was alone inside the room.
Who was I kidding? It was exactly the same as on Earth, just a little bit worse. The people never smiled, the food's always burned, but the worst was my family and knowing that I wouldn't be able to wake up beside my wife every night if something went wrong. Not kissing my daughter as she drifted to sleep beneath her SpongeBob Squarepants bed covers. Only two more days, however long that was down here.
"Reminiscing, Mr. Bigsby?"
Satan sat at the foot of my bed.
"Jesus Christ!" I shouted, toppling to the floor.
"Careful with the blasphemy. Not the best place for it."
"That's funny," I said, climbing back atop the mattress, "I figured this would be the perfect place for it."
Satan shook his head and stood, meticulously straightening his suit.
"You mortals are so naive. You're closer to God than you ever were before. You may be condemned, but that does not mean he has stopped loving you. Either way, you'll be close to him from now on."
The words rang through the air.
"What?"
"Your entry into Heaven has been allowed. Bit proud of how quickly I managed to pull it all together. Turns out the Big Man already knew about the slip up. I tell you, nothing gets past him."
"I can't go to Heaven."
Satan paused in the midst of fixing his collar. He rubbed his ears.
"I'm sorry; I don't think I heard you correctly."
"I need to get back to my family."
Satan's lips pulled back to reveal a sly grin.
"You can't go back, Mr. Bigsby, you’ve been dead for far too long. It’d be against the rules."
"Fuck the rules! You made a mistake!"
The demon leapt forward, his hands locking around my throat. His eyes blazed with unholy fire.
"Do not raise your voice to me. Do not tempt me to destroy you. Do not. You think because you are in hell you cannot die again? You can. And believe me it is a much more horrible fate than what we have here. I could fling you into the fires and laugh as I watch you burn."
His hand tightened. I began to choke.
"You cannot go back. You can never go back."
"What if it was you?" I asked.
The pressure loosened. I stared up at the Dark Lord.
"What if you were separated from your child, knowing that you will never see her grow? Or love?"
"You humans know nothing of love."
"You're wrong."
"You can never feel true love. Never."
"You can give me a chance," I whispered, "for my family I'd walk through fire. I'd brave the towering inferno."
Satan relinquished his grip. I dropped to the floor, coughing and rubbing my bruised neck.
"What would you give to be with them?"
"Anything."
"Even your soul?"
"Anything."
The darkness in the Satan’s eyes faded. He held out his hand and pulled me to my feet.
"I'm not going to take your soul, Mr. Bigsby; I'm going to speak to the Big Man again. I'm not promising you your life back, but I'll give it a shot."
"Why the sudden show of kindness?" I asked.
"It's not kindness, Mr. Bigsby. You are a father, just as I am, and you owe it to your daughter to be there for her. To raise her."
"You don't have to call me ‘Mr. Bigsby’. Bill is fine."
The Dark Lord chuckled and made his way to the front door.
"Enjoy the rest of your stay, Bill," he said, exiting the room.

***

"Why’s your closet empty?"
"Been going through my stuff, have you?"
Emily and Randy sat together on a faded couch. They sipped at cups of warm cocoa that Emily had prepared.
"No, the door is wide open. Only thing you have in there is a stopwatch, how come?"
Emily shook her head. "It's stupid.”
"Tell me."
"You remember what I told you about my claustrophobia?"
"Of course."
"It's not just that. It's the dark. Can you imagine? A demon afraid of the dark. I was trapped for so long before my father saved me."
Randy pushed back her hair. "Two hundred years locked away. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"I try to stay in there, try to make it longer each day, but I still feel the fear. The terror. When you go numb from it, you can't move, and it's awful."
Randy rose from the couch, taking her hand in his. "Come with me. I'm going to help you."
"No, you're acting ridiculous," Emily said, pulling away.
"You can't let this haunt you."
They stood before the closet. The color drained from Emily’s cheeks. She tightened her grip.
"I can't do this, Randy."
"You can."
"Please—"
"It’s okay. You can look at me. Look at my eyes."
She met his gaze. Her blue eyes, an angel's eyes, absorbed him.
"I never lied to you," he whispered, "I'm still a bit claustrophobic myself."
Her smile was divine.
"Nothing will happen to you. I promise."
"Okay."
Randy led her into the closet and shut the sliding door. He held her hands against his chest.
"You ready?" he asked.
"Yeah."
The lights went out. Darkness surrounded them.
"Just hold my hand."
Emily began to shake. She tightened her grip. Randy continued to comfort her.
"I'm here. I'm here. You are not alone. I’m here."
"I'm scared," Emily said, her voice cracking.
"Speak to me. Tell me what you feel."
"I feel fear. Alone. Like I'm lost in the darkness."
Randy rubbed her cheek. "I won’t let you go. Nothing will take you."
Emily's breathing grew more frantic. Her chest shuddered with each breath she took.
"Aren't you scared?" she asked.
"I am, but you’re here. You’re here to keep me, and I you. I’m safe."
"I have to go, Randy. I can't make it."
He pulled her close. "Listen to my heart. Focus on that and nothing else. Listen to it beat. I’m still here as long as it beats. I’m still here for you."
Emily placed her ear to Randy's chest and listened to the soft rhythm of his heart, counting the beats. Her breathing slowed. She ceased shaking. She glanced up through the darkness, not seeing Randy's eyes but knowing they were there.
"Better?" he asked.
Without another word she moved up and kissed his lips. Randy felt that he was in heaven and that everything would be all right so long as he held her. The two embraced as the stopwatch ticked away.

***

I knelt before the hotel bed, hands clasped together and head bowed. The TV droned on, but I shut it from my mind. I began to pray.
"Lord, you may not hear me, you may not even know me, but I know you. I am your servant, your follower, and I trust in you.”
I cleared my throat and continued.
"I never had much, never cared to. I gave everything for my wife and child. Everything. I need them. I have to be with them. My death was not meant to be. I don’t know if you exist here in this damned place, but I have to try."
My mouth was dry.
"I can't do this, Lord. I can't live without them. I can wait, but not forever. So I ask you now, a man on the brink, to let me back into the world. Let me live again."
Tears rolled down my cheeks. Bitter. "I am prepared to take my life if all is lost. I will not stay here. I will not enter the light. I do not care what happens to me. Without my child, without my love, I am nothing."
I continued to kneel. The TV went on. I was alone.
"Please."
From down the hall the screaming started.

***

"I have to go."
"Don't. Just stay a while longer."
Emily and Randy stood beside the door to her room, each not wanting to let go of the other. Emily whispered in his ear. "You're leaving now, aren't you?”
"I'm not supposed to be dead."
"No—"
"But I can handle a premature passing."
Emily stepped back. Randy stared into her swirling eyes. Blue like the sea.
"What?"
"I love you, Emily. You're the sun, the moon, all the stars in the sky."
Emily laughed, tears falling at the same time. "You're so lame.”
"I never said I was a romantic. Not even a hopeless one."
"You could be a hopeless romantic if you really tried."
They kissed. Randy opened the door.
"I'll see you later," Emily said, closing it.
Randy stood staring at the doorway for the longest, wondering if there was anything else he should say. He smiled and rubbed his face. The warmth of Emily's touch still lingered. He turned to leave and froze. The blood in his veins ran cold as ice.
He stood face to face with Emily's father, the Prince of Darkness.
"Mr. Kline," Satan said.
"Frank."
"You realize what you've done?"
"I do."
"You understand the consequences?"
"I do."
Randy stepped away from the entrance. Satan's eyes were back to their fearsome shine.
"You're not the first man to disobey me."
"Did any of them ever tell you to piss off?" Randy asked.
"That would be a first."
"Then piss off."
Satan advanced upon Randy. His teeth lengthened, ending in sharp points. His neatly combed hair unraveled.
"You know not true anger, Mr. Kline."
"Call me Randy."
Satan raised his hand level with Randy's heart. His outstretched fingers closed into a fist.
Randy gasped, clutching his chest. His heart beat faster and faster, pounding against his ribs. He couldn’t breathe.
"I love her," he cried.
"Humans are not capable of love. You lie, you hurt, you cheat, and you kill. That is why I admire your race. But you are not capable of love."
Randy fell to his knees, his hands on the floor.
"I...love—"
Randy rolled onto his back, staring up at the demon whose daughter he adored. He smiled as his heart slowed to a stop. He whispered to himself. "She no longer fears the dark.”
Satan lowered his hand. "What did you say?"
He swooped down, hovering over the man.
The door of the apartment swung open and Emily stepped into the doorway. She glanced from her father to Randy. Satan ignored her, repeating the question.
"What did you say?"
But Randy was already dead.

***

Emily had been screaming for some time when I arrived at her apartment. Satan stood in the corner, back turned to his weeping daughter. I stared down at the body of my best friend. I guess I lost it then.
I leapt forward and knocked the Prince of Darkness down, slamming my fists into his face. He laid there and took it, blow after blow, his expression never changing.
"I'm sorry," he said.
I kept punching. The only one who could get me home was being pummeled by my fists, but I kept going. I could hear Emily shouting.
"Stop!"
I froze, poised to deliver another blow.
Emily sat beside Randy, her hands over his chest. She breathed steady, her eyes closed. The glow rose from her palms. I backed away from Satan, watching as his daughter worked. Satan sat up; his hair tussled but his face unscathed.
"Emily?" he asked.
"Shut up."
The glow reached its peak. Emily pressed her hands to Randy's chest. The light spread through his body, filling his form. Emily arched her back as it died, her eyes shining. Her breaths slowed. She bent down, her ear to Randy's chest. She laid there waiting. Waiting for some sound. She wept, holding the dead man.
"I love you."
From far away the sound arose. A single beat. Another. The rhythm started. Randy's eyes flew open and he gasped for breath. Emily kissed him again and again as he struggled to rise. He looked around in bewilderment, staring at me and Satan.
"Took you long enough, Bill," he said, glancing over at his killer, "you kick his ass for me?"
I nodded dumbly. "Yeah. I got him pretty good."
"Yeah," Satan agreed, his mouth slightly open.
Randy raised his trembling hand and pointed towards the Dark Prince.
"And you...are a son of a bitch."
Then he passed out.

***

I stood outside Satan's office, ear pressed to the door. The muffled voices inside spoke hurriedly, giving me nothing to latch onto. The door swung open and I stumbled back, tripping on the mat featuring a cat who hates Mondays. Satan's head poked out from behind the door.
"Listening in?" he asked.
"Trying to."
He stepped outside and offered his hand, helping me to my feet for the second time.
"Sorry about putting the beat down on you, Frank."
"It's fine, didn't feel a thing. Sorry about killing your friend."
"It's fine, but I'm probably not the one you should be talking to."
Satan sighed. "I know," he said, "don't think Emily will ever forgive me."
"Give her some time. You've got plenty of it."
"For a human, Bill, you're ahead of your kind."
"That's good to know."
Satan stared off down the hallway. "He really does love her.’’
"I thought you didn't believe in love."
"I don't believe that you as a species can experience it truly and wholly, but who knows? Who cares? My daughter loves that man, that dentist, and that's all that matters."
I listened as a demon spoke of love. It was a profound thing.
"Did you ever love anyone?" I asked.
"I did. A long time ago."
"Who?"
"The Big Man."
"God?"
"Yes, and he loved us, all of us. We were his children. His family."
I shook my head. "Didn't you try to overthrow him?"
"You could say we had a little fight."
"But you loved him."
Satan nodded, tightening his tie. "With everything I was, I loved him."
We stood in silence, absorbing the moment. It was awkward. Satan coughed, returning to his business-like tone.
"Speaking of the Big Man, I've just finished talking with him in my office," he said.
"God's in there?"
"That’s right. He's arranged for a single transport back to life."
"Single? What about Randy?" I asked.
"I don't think he has any plans of going back."
I understood.
"There's a bus waiting out front to take you home."
Satan and I shook hands.
"It's been nice knowing you, Frank."
"And you, Mr. Bigsby."
Satan turned and entered his office, closing the door behind him. I glanced inside, just before it shut. Sitting in the middle of the office, dressed all in white and donning the same top hat and handcuff set on his left wrist, was Mr. Leonard. He turned and tipped me his hat. The bullet hole was gone.

***

The Hell Bus sat out front, rumbling as it waited to be boarded. Smoke spewed from its backside. Randy stood beside the vehicle, picking at his teeth. He straightened when he saw me approach.
"Look Bill, there's something I need to tell you—" he began, but I waved his words aside.
"I already know."
"What?"
"Satan told me everything."
"Huh..."
I slapped him on the back. “Don't worry, man, I'm proud of you. You found someone you love and you're staying with her. There's nothing better in this world. I’ll take care of Mittens."
From the hotel entrance, Emily emerged. She waved in our direction.
I noticed Randy glancing over my shoulder.
"Go on, man."
Nothing more needed to be said. I watched as my best friend returned to the woman of his dreams, the sweetest demon in Hell.
I stepped inside the bus. A towering beast sat in the driver's seat, its horns and teeth grotesquely twisted. It turned its head towards me, red eyes ablaze.
"Hey Harold," I said, taking my seat.
"Hey there, partner, looks like yer headin' home. Where's the other guy?"
"Fell in love with Satan's daughter, decided to stay here with her."
"I hear ya."
Once again I couldn't tell whether or not he believed me.
Harold flicked a switch and the doors to the bus shut. The fiesta horn roared.
"Let's hit the road!" he shouted as the Hell Bus pulled out of the driveway.
I watched as Randy and Emily waved me on. I thanked the Big Man for all he'd done. I was heading home.
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 5:42 am
Dragongirl says...



Ok, I just finished part 1 and part 2 and let me just say......Hahahahaha!!!! Hilarious! Loved this. Randy and Bill are just so funny. My favorite line from part 1

Welcome to Hell, No smoking, please.


You got to love it. :) also another line I loved from part 2

You're not going to put me at risk. I have a family, remember? You have a...a cat. What do you think will happen to Mittens?"


*Chuckles* I'm still smiling andn shaking my head.
Keep up this kind of writing, you're really funny and good at it.
I'll be watching you, well, following you at least.
~Dragongirl
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
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Sun Jun 26, 2011 10:17 pm
SkyeDreamer says...



Loved this story! I thought part one was a little funnier, where this one was more about the storyline. But that's not a bad thing, at all. The Ben Affleck jokes were funny, and so was the whole irony of the entire story. Good job; this was really fun! :)
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Fri Jul 01, 2011 10:01 pm
PandorasChild says...



Haha wonderful! :) I loved it :)
My favourite part of both parts was how.. Non chalant it was. How Bill explains how death was exactly what he expected it be, its good because I think as readers we're expecting this horrible, intestine busting description of hell that makes us wanna be better people, and it wasn't like that at all. Its super refreshing. Its simple, but through its simplicity its fking hilarious, like "a meeting of minds.. Yes a date". Haha very good. Ben Affleck OHMYGOD that's so good.
I kindve got a little apprehensive when it started with a more serious tone, for example - when bill started praying, and the claustrophobia make out session. Again, wonderful character development. I wanted more funny, but I guess every comedy has its serious side. You picked it up well at the end, but drop something ridiculously funny at the end if you ever edit- juts to regain the humour and leave a good taste in your readers mouth.
Well done! :)
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Hello hungry!
"Dad! I'm serious."
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Mon Jul 25, 2011 7:49 am
empressoftheuniverse says...



Instead of just a boring old review I'm going to give some of these characters faces. The devil, of course:
Image
Not in all white but since it's Clive Owens I thought i'd make an exception.
And then the Emily was a little harder but I got red business(ish) attire with heels
Image
I'm clearly in love with your story when I go about scouring the internet for suitable pictures of these people.
Finally, Randy was exceedingly tough and I couldn't find anything for him but a particularly derpy looking picture of Rupert Grint (the guy who plays Ronald Weasley)
Image
So now that I've probably ruined those characters in your mind (I couldn't even begin to do bill because I so badly want him to be Brad Pitt and Jason Segel molded together into one human) let me say that the second part, though considerable more serious, was just as entertaining as the first part. It goes without saying that I enjoyed this immensely, and was surprised actually to see it resolved so quickly and neatly. I also liked the splitting of the two friends at the end-- it was the perfect kind of bittersweet.
Fantastic job and I will go and stalk your portfolio because this story really impressed me.
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
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Wed Aug 03, 2011 1:34 pm
sandayselkie says...



ok the humour in this is good. I loved it
"Live in the present, remember the past and fear not the future, for it doesn't exist and never shall. There is only now."
Saphira

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Wed Jan 25, 2012 4:21 am
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Wow, it kinda took me forever to get to part 2. Well, better late than never, right? :P

I definitely liked it better than part one. There wasn't all the over-the-top humor that had turned me off the story before. There were actually a lot of parts that I liked! :) The fountain of Ben Afleck, Emily and Randy drinking hot cocoa in their pajamas, Bill beating the crap out of Satan, I loved it all ^_^. I am also really satisfied with how the story ended. I was a bit worried about a conclusion, to be honest. I kept thinking 'how in the world can you wrap up a story like this and not make it not cheesy or something?'. But I loved how you ended it with Randy deciding to stay in the afterlife so he could be with Emily :D That was unexpected and sweet.

I really don't have any critique for this second part x)

It kind of hit me as a surprise to find out that Bill had a wife and kid. I can't remember if you mentioned it in part one, but I've been picturing Bill and Randy as like, guys in their early 20's so I didn't think they were really old enough have a whole family to support back home (or a cat in Randy's case).

Well, I'm glad I got to finish this! I can't believe I got so far behind o_o
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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