Young Writers Society

Hi there!

First of all, I love your style of writing. It seems very different, but in a good way. Also, as Audy said, the relation you showed between Bill and Randy was very well written. It's how two very close guys would be. Since I've got nothing to correct, I'll just tell you what I liked.

The opening: It was hilarious, and is a great way to open a story.

There is one thing I want to say though. There are a lot of dialogues , and at some places, I got a little confused as to who was talking. Why not try something like, 'he said, with a smile.' or 'he said grumpily.' or whatever else can be used to describe the way a person is talking, somewhere in between of a long dialogue. That way, the readers won't get confused.

You know what the name "Mr. Bigsby" reminds me of? Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide. It was a show that came on one of our cartoon channels here. The main character's name of Ned Bigsby. (Totally off topic~)

“So how’d you guys get here?” Emily asked.

“It’s a long story.”

“It’s a long walk.”

So I've actually seen this line a lot, in almost every comedy story that I've read. But it still always manages to make me giggle.

My favorite part in the whole story:

--Satan. Prince of Darkness. Lord of the Underworld. CEO of BP Corporations.--

CEO of BP Corporations? I just love you now xDD This was so new and fresh, and hilarious!

Anyways, I would love to read more of your works! PM me next time you post something?

-TwistedMuffins.

I have to also say that the opening with the sign was awesome ^_^

I followed. Randy continued to stare. "For a spawn of the underworld she sure has got a great ass."
"Shut up," I hissed.
"What?"
"I'm sorry, but I don't think it's smart to make crude remarks about a creature of the night while she's just a few feet away from us."
"So you're saying I can make lewd comments about her as long as she's not within earshot?"
"I don't want you to say anything! Come on, let's get this thing straightened out," I said, pushing Randy forward.
We followed the vixen to the lobby elevator.

I liked this exchange between the characters. It really gives us an idea who these guys are right at the start of the story.

The only part I didn't like was the last sentence here, where he refers to her as 'the vixen'. It felt a little strange because when I think of the word vixen, I imagine a woman who is very sassy and sultry, whereas you said this girl was just dressed up in business attire and spoke in a monotone voice. Not to mention vixen is a bit of a derogatory word and the guy who used it was just telling his friend not to be so vulgar towards her xP So I guess this is a really picky comment but it just jumped out to me.

Ok, so now that I'm done reading part 1 I really want to keep going and finish part 2 I'm interested to see how all this plays out

In all honesty, the humor was hit and miss for me. Some stuff I liked, some parts just didn't make me laugh. I think maybe it was a bit of an overkill with the humor, at least for me x).

"Satan? As in: 'Prince of Darkness', Satan? As in: 'tortures mortals into insanity', Satan?" I asked.
"Relax. He ain't that bad. Quite nice actually, all ya got to do is get on his good side."
"How do I do that, kill a puppy?"
"No. No, he got over that phase. Jus’ don't piss him off and you’ll do fine."

Like, I totally laughed at that line XD. But jokes on top of an already crazy situation on top of a demon who talks with the thickest southern accent possible was just kinda overkilling it for me so the mood deflated really fast.

"I'm an accountant," I said.
"Thrillin' job, eh?"
"Yep, blows the mind. Randy here's a dentist."
“I prefer the term ‘Licensed Orthodontist’.”
“I know you do, Randy.”
"What about you, partner?" Harold asked, glancing at the boxer wearing man.
The man looked up, tipping his top hat back so we could see his face. His left hand remained in his lap. "Me? Oh, I'm a serial rapist."
Randy's mouth fell open. Harold shrugged.
"Just kidding! Got you good, didn't I? I'm really a lawyer."
The man chuckled to himself and pulled his hat back down, whistling the theme from ‘Leave it to Beaver’. Randy met my eyes and smiled. "I think I liked him better as a rapist," he said.
I kicked him.

Same here, it was just so many jokes one right after the other. It didn't really irritate me, but it didn't entertain me much, either.

Oh, and all the parts about Satan being a politician and working for BP and all that... those jokes fell REALLY flat for me. I have to live with a politician, so naturally I get enough of that political bantering at home lol. But that's just me.

So overall I think you did an awesome job with the story. Personally, the jokes aren't really hitting home for me but that's ok. I can tell by the other reviews that people are loving this ^_^