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Winterland.



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Sun May 01, 2011 9:15 pm
Jas says...



Oh Mah Goshness. 14 reviews in less than 24 hours? You people are incredible! I've gotten a lot of help so far so I'm going to edit but if anyone has anything they want to comment on, go right ahead! :D
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 9:52 pm
Eliza:) says...



It seeped out, dripping onto her skin everytime she said something wrong.

Everytime should be two words: every time.

He stopped seeing her after a while and began seeing all his mistakes and fears and dreams that were tied down too loosely and slipped out of his fingers like fog.

You may want to italicize the first her so the reader understands that he doesn't literally stops seeing her.

He stopped seeing the girl that he was in love with, let that memory break like a favorite piece of good china, no matter how much super-glue you use, the cracks will still be there.

Since this is a run-on sentence, you may want to have it this way: He stopped seeing the girl that he was in love with, and let that memory break like a favorite piece of good china; no matter how much super-glue you use, the cracks will still be there.

She hid in the briar bush, waiting for him to hibernate for Summer.

Summer doesn't need to be capitalized.

It's a shame that in his world, Winter never ends.

This is the perfect sentence for the ending. :)


At the beginning, it was difficult to realize if you were talking about the boy or the girl. You may want to make it more obvious who is who.

Overall, this story is very good. There are a few places where you may want to reword some phrases, but other than that it is perfect.
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
-Ernest Hemingway
  





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Mon May 02, 2011 5:40 am
ma97 says...



Hey,

Just wanted to say that I really liked this piece! I loved the metaphors you made; they were really vivid. It wasn't that confusing for me but I can see how it could be for other readers because you jump from image to image. Definitely continue with this; there are so many directions in which you could take this story. It could result in a final triumph against her boyfriend, or a final defeat. Anyway, just putting my two cents in, and good luck!
"Words can be like X-rays, if you use them properly–they'll go through anything. You read and you're pierced." -Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
  





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Tue May 03, 2011 1:45 am
Jas says...



Thanks for the reviews! :D
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Wed May 04, 2011 2:59 am
Glauke says...



One hot, delicious, made-to-order review coming right up!

Spoiler! :
Pain was hidden in the palms of his hands. It seeped out, dripping onto her skin every time she said something wrong. Novas exploded in her head whenever he started {____} started what?, but she took herself to another place where his hands could not curl into fists and his words weren't jagged. Great description here!She allowed herself to disassociate, to become someone else for a while, until the novas burned themselves out and nothing but embers were left. Sometimes, afterwards, she would trace flowers with her fingertips onto her stained skin, letting the roses bloom after the bruises did. This doesn't make much sense to me. Elaboration? Definitely.

He raised his hand and she flinched back"back" is unnecessary; when you flinch, you flinch backwards, already bowing her head, already taking the blame. His fist knocked out a porcelain tooth and she tasted metal in her mouth Great job there. She didn't even remember what she had done; maybe he hadn't liked the way dinner was arranged on the table or the coffee was too sweet. It didn't matter though, those were just excuses. She had her excuses too, pulled them out of a magician's hat whenever that little rational voice in her head opened her could this possibly be "it's" big mouth, not her big mouth?big mouth. Why are you with him? Why don't you leave? Fear seizes up in her at the thought of leaving and she spits back lies, He doesn't mean it. He promised it wouldn't happen again. He loves me. She is Alice in Winterland, tumbling down the rabbit hole, losing bits and pieces of herself on the way down. Ooh! Nice!

He stopped seeing her after a while and began seeing all his mistakes and fears and dreams that were tied down too loosely and slipped out of his fingers like fog. Awesome metaphors here! He stopped seeing the girl that he was in love with, let that memory break like a favorite piece of good china; no matter how much super-glue you use, the cracks will still be there. Good job relating big struggles to everyday matters!

He was a fire-breathing dragon, blind with rage and she, a peasant girl lost in the forest. She hid in the briar bush, waiting for him to hibernate for Summer seasons shouldn't be capitalized. It's a shame that in his world, Winter This time, I think it looks better to capitalize Winter, although it normally wouldn't be that way. never ends.

All in all, this looks great. However, the name "Winterland" makes me think that it's a poem about the holidays, quite honestly. Thoughts? Like I said, this is a FANTABULOUS piece and I think it has a lot of potential. And in response to your footnote, yes, I do think that you should continue this story. DON'T LET IT DIE! Yours, Pen

Your total for today will be $0.00! Please pull up to the second window: Editing. Thanks for eating at Drive-Thru Review!
❁❁❁

be still, sad heart, and cease repining
behind the clouds is the sun still shining
  





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Wed May 04, 2011 3:15 am
HIGHWHITESOCKS says...



Please please please please PLEASE don't just let this die! This is far too amazing to let go! As you can see by the multitude of reviews you've gotten here! Oh my, I just love everything about this story! Where do I begin?...

I love love love the image of pulling excuses out of a magicians hat. I can totally see that tragic setting of an abusive relationship that she just won't leave. She's fooling herself into thinking that everything is going to work out. *sniff* It makes me cry sometimes.

I like the image of the dragon too (and yes I'm sure they hibernate in winter, haha :D). This story is just full of great words and great images too. I like the whole theme of submission and release to the way things are too. It adds to the character of the narrator here. You've really done a fantastic job here, and you have a lot of talent.

I don't think there's anything to say that hasn't already been picked up, but keep up the good work, and if you ever need another review or advice, or kind word, or all that jazz, just drop me a line and I'd be happy to oblige.
- SOCKS
Would you kindly?
  





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Wed May 04, 2011 3:24 am
RacheDrache says...



Hi, here to review, as requested!

It looks like you've got some great input already, so I guess this'll be short. Also, I haven't read all of the reviews, so I apologize if I mention something twice.

Like someone else, I was initially somewhat confused by what was going on, but I eventually did figure it out. I think part of the problem is that even though the imagery you use is great, it doesn't necessarily form a coherent picture. Also, the imagery is different than one might expect. Neither of these things are necessarily bad.

In regards to the second comment, you use passive in the first sentence and then 'seeping' and 'dripping' in the second, and none of those things connote the sort of things one expects from violence. Makes me think of faucets leaking, which is an interesting take on pain, for sure... but then you go into novas exploding, two things (novas and exploding) that are violent, loud, full of color more along the lines of the firework imagery one usually gets. So it's this strange mix of hauntingly unusual combined with vibrance and the effect is a bit confusing. But, not necessarily in a bad way.

As Snoink mentioned, the piece is hovering in this weird state between too abstract and not abstract enough. It needs to go one way or another. Is it more about the images and the different ways of conceptualizing pain and violence and relationships? Or do you really want to focus in on this particular girl? Is it any girl who could be in this situation, thinking of pain leaking and seeping, or just her?

I couldn't say for sure what to do next, so I guess I'll give you some things to consider... You could make all the images fit together thematically or in some other way, focusing on one central theme and branching off. Or, you could continue with the clashing images and make that work for you to impart something to the reader. You could make it wildly abstract or you could reign it back in (in which case you'd probably want to go for the more cohesive set of images.)

Regardless, consider your intention for the piece and what you want it to do, and weed through all your comments here to see which of 'em will steer you toward having the bit of writing you want to have.

Lots of interesting ideas here, Jas. Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

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Wed May 04, 2011 2:36 pm
eldEr says...



Hi Jassy! ^^ Here to review as requested. With a minor problem. You have two pages of reviews already so I have no idea how useful or long this will be. xD All of my apologies and what-not in advance.

First of all, I'm going to say that I really did like this. It was really short, but honestly, something like this that goes on for pages and pages just seems sluggish and draggy. You've gotten to your point in a short amount of time, so you don't necessarily need to pull it out a dozen more paragraphs.

The writing was beautifully done, and I like how you were able to show us the minds of both characters rather than just the victim. I have nothing to say on that topic other than that it was very well-done.

You wanted to know if you should expand on this, and I'm not quite sure where I stand on that. On one hand, it could make for a very interesting plot. Like you said, think of it as a prologue - there could be something spun of it that could become a novel or a novella. But, abuse is a very over-used topic, so if you did make it into a novel, it would have to have another twist to it to make it original. On the other hand, the piece is beautifully written and told as it is. It doesn't need more chapters to line up to it to speak to a reader, though there are a lot of different things that you could do with it.

Heck, if you work with this the right way, you could probably turn it into a poem. xD

So go with whatever you want.

Sorry if the review was repetitive and/or not that helpful. xD

Keep writing,
~~Ish.
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
  





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Wed May 04, 2011 3:26 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey Jas!

There's not much left for me to say that's very constructive, seeing as a lot of other reviewers have given great reviews, so I'm just going to highlight a few things that I agree with.

I loved the way you used the imagery. It was beautiful, even if it was describing a horrible thing or scene. I just think, like others have said, the imagery in the first paragraph is too in your face and detailed. It could stand to be broken up a bit. I don't want you to lose any of it though. Maybe just break it up with less imagery filled sentences.

This was a sad story and it's the sort of thing that has been written about a lot, but your story is a little more original thanks to the imagery and the fact that you give details into the relationship. Sometimes, the reader isn't given any insight into why or how the abuse started, but here, you give us some small details that help us to delve further into the story.

I think the thought process of the MC was good - it allowed us to see that she blames herself for what's happening, even though she's wrong to. We could see how much she really loved him and that it was her love for him that was stopping her from seeing the truth. I could sympathise with her and I really wanted to jump into the story and rescue her.

I think, if you're willing to, you could expand on this. I would read on :)

I hope this helps!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

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Wed May 04, 2011 8:31 pm
Popa says...



He stopped seeing her after a while and began seeing all his mistakes and fears and dreams that were tied down too loosely and slipped out of his fingers like fog. He stopped seeing the girl that he was in love with, let that memory break like a favorite piece of good china; no matter how much super-glue you use, the cracks will still be there.


In this piece, I can understand what you are trying to portray, but it simply does not come across with the best imagery. Perhaps it's the wording that needs a few nips and tucks.
Otherwise, the rest is flawless and beautiful. I was completely in love with it until it ended. Then, I got sad because I wanted more.
  





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Fri May 06, 2011 1:49 pm
Lumi says...



Yo, Jas. So this piece came at me in two waves. At first, I didn’t think much of it because it seems like just another abuse short story; however, you struck a motif halfway through regarding Alice in Wonderland, and I want to presume that this piece has much potential. In fact, I do want to see it expanded, and I want to see you paint over the cliché situation of abuse (as awful as that is to say) a lot more.

The fact of the matter is that, as it stands, this piece doesn’t bring very much fresh meat to the reader, and that’s what the reader wants. Of course, I’m a native to the poetry forums and hardly ever leave said forums, so my opinion is pretty heavily biased.

What my intuition tells me to do for this piece is to turn it on its head, and take it in one of two ways:

Route One: The Metaphor
Consider the power of this piece as a reader must crack it open. There’s a major difference between having words laid on your tongue as opposed to having to dig for them. My theory is that if you take this story, this abuse and agony, and you pack it into a metaphor as tightly as you can, your power will increase, along with your literary value. Keep in mind, though, that this would completely change your angle of approach—you would be dodging purple prose and doctoring up your images to be surreal, but judging by your prowess I’ve seen, you’re more than capable.

In order for this method to really work, you’d want to dodge out of bland phrases such as
He raised his hand and she flinched back, already bowing her head, already taking the blame.

and
She didn’t even remember what she had done; maybe he hadn’t liked the way dinner was arranged on the table or the coffee was too sweet.

because there’s nothing fresh there except for your syntax. And syntax can only take you so far in freshening up an overused (and might I say abused) topic. And even if you don’t take this route, I want to suggest freshening up those bits.

Route Two: Subtlety
On the other end of the spectrum is the idea that you take all of this abuse all at once and lose your power because it’s essentially a dump of hard-to-swallow information that may make the reader sad, may make the reader bored; either way, it’s a bit much, and subtlety can’t really be preached enough in modern literature.

My favorite thing to do while reading a novel is to be able to formulate my own ideas about the plot before it happens, and when you have a full-on blast like this, you can’t really do that. I’d hazard a guess in saying that you feel the same way, so by this route, I suggest expanding and diluting. You’re a fantastic writer, so I want to see you flourish, obviously.

Your last two paragraphs in particular are a taste more unique than the others, basically because they’re purple reflections on what the first two paragraphs said; however, they also verge on rambling. So while I appreciate metaphors and poetic elements in fiction, be cautious that they don’t end up choking your power out.

So here’s a pretty lame review since I’m not that great with fiction critiques (but don’t you dare tell a soul). If you have more specific questions, I’ll be glad to add more to this/replace.

-Lumi
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon


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Fri May 06, 2011 5:12 pm
Yuriiko says...



Hello Jasmine!

It seems that you have lots of good critiques before me, so I hope you don't mind if I repeated something here. I haven't really read every review here. Just skimmed the page. And also, thanks for the request.



I think you have a very good introduction. I liked how you tend to compare two things (like rage to nova explosion) however, everything seemed to appear inconsistent and a bit choppy in some places. The first paragraph contained beautiful imageries, then after that, you went being more concrete to the scene. You have described the abuse and this was the time personal views and character's opinion started to spring up. It was like the story's getting less and less abstract as we read all the way to the end. Which goes to my second point that you used imageries again.

I hope you understand anything I'm blabbering about. But I'll give you a short summary from the above initial impression:
First part - imagery.
Middle part - getting less on imagery
Last part - imagery

You see what I mean?

Second of all, I think you can still expand on your characters, especially the man. He seemed to alter his personality. He was abusive then just after a few matter of seconds.... boom. He stopped. I think it has something to do on your imagery too. It divided the bridge between your story and your reader's reaction. You want us to sympathize perhaps for your abused character, but the imagery lessened the effect.

Third, the story looked like just an ordinary "abuse" story we see on television or books. Nonetheless, you have a good twist. I loved the concept of the way you included Alice in Wonderland and contrasted it in your character's situation, so it turned out to be Winterland. Good job at that. :D

Overall, this story is good but it could be great. This review is entirely based on my opinions so let me know if you have any questions. :)

Keep writing.

Peace out,
Yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  





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Sun May 08, 2011 2:37 am
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Alz says...



Hey Jasmine! Here is the review that you requested.

This was as beautiful as it was heartbreaking. Abuse, no matter what form it takes, is hard to read about, but it is reality for far too many people.
I had to read this a couple of times before I really understood what was going on. I was confused about what was literal and what wasn't, but when I caught on, it all fit together well. The imagery was very strong throughout the entire piece. It was almost too much, though. I would be very careful about how much description you have if you decide to add to this, or people will skim over the piece to avoid it.
I love the last paragraph, especially the final sentence. Describing the man as a dragon suited the situation perfectly. It left me wondering what happened after this ended. Did she stay with him, or did she work up the courage to leave?

As for your question about expanding or not, I am of two minds. Part of me would like to see it left as it is, but another part wants to have more. It this were to be expanded, though, I would not go too far. This would work as the beginning of a short story, but I think anything too long would either:
1. Seem weak in comparison with this piece, or
2. Become too heavy if the same amount of description is continued.
Changing this into a poem would be possible also. It might be the best idea (in my mind, at least) because you could keep more of your imagery than if you left this as a story. I know it isn't a very clear answer, but I really don't know which direction to go with this.

I hope this is helpful. If you have any questions or comments, let me know.
Alz
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

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Sun May 08, 2011 7:19 pm
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Rascalover says...



Hey,
Sorry it took me a while to get to this, but thank you for requesting a review! Wow, it looks like you have alot of good reviews here; I'll try not to be redundant, but that'll be hard. Now on to the meat of the review: I like this as a prologue, but nothing more because of all the entwined detail and things. I didn't find any grammatical mistakes, so pardon me if this review is a little short. If you need another review or have any questions feel free to ask :)

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  





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Thu May 26, 2011 10:45 pm
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SteviexOctopus says...



Hey, it's Stevie here from the Red Ink Emporium. I've got your review fresh off the press for you right here:

Let me start by saying that you have the most fantastic imagery I have read in a long time. I loved how some bits were real and some were imaginative versions of it, like how one might think of imaginary worlds when in a terrible situation. It really suited the piece overall, but in some places there was a bit of confusion.

The first paragraph is what confused me most of all, once I got through it I understood what it was saying, but during it I felt a little loss. I liked your first sentence. It really begged the right questions to be asked. And the second sentence elaborated on it, allowing for some questions to be answered and still more to be asked. It's the third sentence where I really got lost, mostly at the mention of Novas. Now there are two ways I can think to fix this: 1. Change Novas to something else, or 2. (my personal favorite) start that volcano metaphor here. Speaking of which, fantastic use of the volcano metaphor and you ended the paragraph beautifully with the painting of roses.

With the second and continuing paragraphs we really need to step back a second, I thought we were done with the hitting and she was cleaning up? Are we having a flashback or have we moved to another instance? In the piece overall, I think it would be best to stick to one instance in chronological order... so I'd imagine this paragraph best be moved to somewhere in the first. Other than that, the second paragraph was done well.

The third paragraph is lovely, the Alice in Winterland sentence is a nice contrast to the first paragraph's volcano. The fourth paragraph was a bit confusing again. I think it's mostly because of misplacement though. I think it would be best to reword it and have this be the start of it, put somewhere between the second and third sentence of the first paragraph.

The fifth paragraph would best be put some place after the first hit then when she hits him with the vase be moved towards the end, and again nothing else needs to be said. I loved how it showed that she's changed a lot since they first met. Also, I thought they were in the kitchen?

The sixth paragraph is probably the only one I think you should ditch, it's just as lovely as all the rest, however, it breaks from her perspective a bit. I like what it says but I think you could choose a better place for it where it could serve a better purpose.

Lastly, I loved the last paragraph and all I have to say about it is grammar related. "It's a shame that in his world winter never ends."

Overall the piece is fantastic. I loved the imagery and seeing bits and pieces of the main character's mind. My only piece of advice is that you should change the order around for some of the events, for clarity and better impact. What I like best is how a lot of the metaphor's relating to her involve ice while his involve some sort of fire. I think during your revisions you should definitely keep this difference as it's impacting and lovely and a great view of the relationship.

Keep writing and thank you for choosing Red Ink Emporium for all your reviewing needs. :]
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