Young Writers Society

CarsandGuitars77 wrote:well, being one of realistic fiction and historical fiction, i thought the subject matter was rather remorseful--i dont usually read things like this.

Well vampires aren't for everyone. I like realistic and historical fiction too, but it's not something I'm good at writing .

however, your sentence structure was exceptional.

Thanks .

Firestarter wrote:Oooh, this was good.

Never read a vampire story before.

Glad you liked it

But I want more! I command thee to continue thy story!

Don't worry. I will.

I usually don't go for Vampire Stories and the like, but I really liked this one. Your story was written exceptionally well and your sentence variation and action was good. The story really left me wanting more:)

Vampire stories are good. First person vampire stories are better. Do me a favor and write more. (It was impossible to find flaw in your writing.)

Foolish mortal

You use, if not this exact line then this sentiment, too often and its rather cliche.

To my ears her heartbeat is the like the sound of a thousand drums all calling to me.

the last part, 'all calling to me', needs to be revised, if not taken out entirely.

The meekest mouse always makes the meanest vampires.

always makes the meanest vampire. Or: always makes the meanest of vampires.

In the next paragraph, you introduce the slayer element, far too abrubtly. At first the vampire is feeding only for the sake of it, and then suddenly there is a vengeance motive involving a slayer and his children. You should integrate that element throughout, I think, as it is basically the plot.

“I have a gift for you. One you that you should appreciate.”

One you should appreciate. Or: One that you should appreciate. Remove the ýou'or the 'that'.

Her body is light and caring her to my lair is easy

carying her

my crypt with is ancient stone walls

its not 'is'

shall have to find a suitable coffin for her, but that is not a hard thing to find when your home is made beneath a graveyard filled with dead souls who are more than willing to give up theirs.

That's far too long a sentence, break it into two or more.

I didn't like this. It was the typical vampire/slayer story and the blooddrinking and vampire-turning processes were glossed over. It wasn't meaningful and the characters weren't new or different or original. The writing, however, was neatly executed and the story did flow well.

I didn't like this. It was the typical vampire/slayer story and the blooddrinking and vampire-turning processes were glossed over. It wasn't meaningful and the characters weren't new or different or original. The writing, however, was neatly executed and the story did flow well.

Yeah, I can see where that comes from.

‘I was like her once: a foolish mortal.’

- You’ve already used the term ‘foolish mortal’ once. This time round it feels redundant.


‘Her body is light and caring her to my lair is easy.’

- ‘caring’ = ‘carrying’.


‘Soon, I shall give her the gift. The ritual commences. When it is over, I feel drained yet satisfied.’

- Maybe explain the ritual to us? Describe how it’s done? At the moment, just saying it starts and then it’s done… it leaves the reader feeling kind of cheated.



EDIT: ... Y'know, I've just realised this was posted in 2004. The person who wrote this isn't on the site an more...

I love vampire stories, but I'm very particular of them. Your style of writing is very easy to get into, but the overall plot is very cliched. I find that a well-written, well-plotted vampire story is a treat, but a bad one is like sour blood. Try to think of someway you can make your story unique from all the others, such as odd or off-beat characters or some interesting plot aspects that have never, or rarely, been done before. Otherwise, I think you might have some promise as a writer if you keep at it.

I agree this will turn out to be a great story. The only bad thing is you seem to have started in the middle of the story.

I WAN THE REST OF THAT STORY (THATS AN ORDER)

I agree this will turn out to be a great story. The only bad thing is you seem to have started in the middle of the story.

I WAN THE REST OF THAT STORY (THATS AN ORDER)

OOOOOPS

Thats the second time this happened.

can't someone invent some thing that stops things like the above happening?.

SO pay no attention to the above

I'm just joined YWS yesterday. I am trying to do read several entries a day and write some type of review. So I am hitting the older ones first. This is very good, I noticed a couple of typos, but they were already addressed by others. You description is very good, especially writing in first person is difficult.