Flying

I felt a hot twinge of excitement as I slammed the door to my bedroom shut. My heart was leaping inside my chest, this couldn’t be happening, it was too amazing. It was too impossible. Too unbelievable and yet no matter what physics told me, I was doing it. I was flying. My head buzzed with a million thoughts, all telling me opposing things until my mind was a blur of confusion and amazement. I clenched my fists, what If I couldn’t do it again, what if it was a one off, a miracle. I closed my eyes tight, focusing all my energy to my centre and all of a sudden I was airborne again, all of a sudden it was real. My feet lifted slowly of the ground, as my weight shifted and I was light, unbelievably light. My emotions overwhelmed me as I moved mystically upwards, in awe of my body as it shifted where my mind told it to. Gravity gave way beneath me and I felt a huge adrenaline rush flood threw my body, repeating a thousand times over in every cell, every atom of my being. It was effortless and gave me a new lease of life I never knew I possessed, as If all my years I had only been living by half. As if now I could open my mouth and truly breathe

---------------------------------------------------------------

The night air is cool on my feet as I walk briskly down the street. Every house I pass hosts small incomplete families eating dinner but I don’t pause to stare, I don’t have time for staring.
I don’t know where to go. I know it has to be somewhere private, somewhere no one will find me but where I can fly properly. Every alley seems too small or too open and exposed, so I walk on, further and further until the urban streets wind into country lanes. It’s a clear night, with the moon replacing the cities bright lights. The wind is cool against my body, making me hyper aware of every sense around me. I reach a deserted hillside, where I can look down over the city of Bath. Millions of lights glow brightly back at me, contrasting the night sky with a silent tranquillity. I feel ready.
Taking a large gulp of air I pull out the red jacket from my rucksack. Its old, tattered and several sizes to large but it provides a welcome comfort from the cool night air. A thin smile spreads across my lips, in excitement, curiously and slight smugness. Maybe I am among millions but at present, with this exhilarating feeling of self pride and uniqueness coursing through my veins, it does not matter. Nothing else matters.
I zip up the jacket and step forward, towards the steep edge of the hill side I by some miracle managed to climb. The whole of Bath lays before me, and without hesitation or a second thought of might have been,



I jump.


And then just like that I am flying. I feel that strange sensation of gravity shifting beneath me as I remain floated in the air. Not a second has passed since I jumped, time seems to stand still for me as I make my next move. It’s not really like flying, flying is achieved by some great effort on your arms part, this is more raw unyielding power than I can direct in any way I want. Like an unbalance in gravity which I can control, the more force I press onto one side of my body the larger the distance I travel. It’s a whole sense of 3D that I have never experienced before, where the laws of physics have somehow bent to conform for me. Like I am the exception.
I’m not far off the ground, just a hundred metres from my hillside but now with the fresh taste of adrenaline in my mind I am ready to go further. I know where I want to go now, to the city. I want to see it at this whole new angle but part of me holds the rest back. If I am the only one, If I am this so called exception then surely, surely... The feeling of worry and weakness suddenly for bodes me. I cannot grasp what my instinct is telling me, what it is reasoning with. This is just a sick feeling at the pit of my stomach and I should ignore it. So I do, and I take off into the night sky regardless of my uneasily stomach and mind. Though through my conscious I feel my hands reaching for the red jackets hood and pulling it over my face, somehow I feel that it is important.



Just a short piece that may or may not continue into something more, tell me what you think!

Heya, Zaddie! Nice to meet you. =]

My heart was leaping inside my chest. This couldn’t be happening; it was too amazing.

Gah! Comma murder. Let me put in some good punctuation for you.

I clenched my fists, what If I couldn’t do it again, what if it was a one off, a miracle.

Again, similar issues. Firstly, a quick proofread of this would have told you that you have a random capital letter in here. Be sure to do that; otherwise, you'll have readers pointing out endless silly mistakes while the main story is neglected.

That said, I'll go through with you what the semicolon is for. If you've got a sentence like this: "The boy kicked the ball, he was laughing" then you are abusing the fact that you have two independent clauses being strung together. Neither are connected grammatically, and so, you'll want to put in a semicolon. You could put in a connective like "and" or throw in a full stop, but this way, it shows that they are connected and it flows better. Therefore, the sentence would become "The boy kicked the ball; he was laughing." It's difficult to grasp. PM me if you still don't get it.

I've also got other issues with this. Grammar aside, I think that the general power of the statement (& questions?) is pretty much lost. Miracles aren't always one-offs, and even if they are, the reader won't immediately realise that and will be a little unsure about what's going on, since it's just tacked on at the end of the sentence. I'd have believed that it would be a worse thought of not having such freedom again than just clenching your fists. Using full stops at different places breaks the flow and is more blunt, is more direct. I'd write this as: "I clenched my fists. What if I couldn’t do it again; what if this was it? What if it was a one off... a miracle, even?" Just a few minor alterations improve the pace and keep the flow more rhythmic.

I like the first part. There are some good descriptions, and the general flow is quite effective. It's intriguing. However, I find that a few mediocre phrases leave things empty and dull. Perhaps you can talk about how cold it is, that you're passing through the fog like a ship at sea. It's small bits of imagination like that can vastly improve such sections.

Millions of lights glow brightly back at me, contrasting the night sky with a silent tranquillity.

I have an issue with this. In the same way that similes work best when you talk about the simile, contrasts work better when they aren't completely acknowledged--at least, if there's not a purpose to it (making your character feel misplaced, for instance).

somehow I feel that it is important.

A little random. The ending spoils an otherwise excellent piece. Make something more out of it! I'm not compelled to reflect, or think, or fell joy or pain. Just confusion, really.

The second part picked up compared the one before, and so I ask; is it really that necessary? Perhaps the first part could be simply reference. Would it not be more mystical without the flashback? Your choice. I feel that you should definitely write more, as, while it stands here, there isn't much plot. The imagery improves but what's the point if it's describing so little?

Anyway, I liked the use of present tense here for immediate effect. I would also recommend throwing in a real plot, because right now I'm just not relating to the character. I hope I've helped! Feel free to PM me at any time with any questions to might have. Good work!

Best
Blinky

Hiya Zaddie!

Opening: You're a bit contradictory in your opening here. With the lines "I was doing it. I was flying." you're saying she's flying this very moment, when she's not. And why would she slam her bedroom door shut? For a dispute with her parents? Her friends?

It's a bit hard to read all jumbled-up in one paragraph like that. Slow down and add more feeling to each idea (her being angry, her being able to fly, zooming around her room), so they can each be their own paragraphs.

Punctuation: You can be a bit off in some punctuation here, as Blink so kindly pointed out. Here is an article on general punctuation, and how to use it. ^_^

Slow down: You're rushing through ideas pretty quickly here, when a lot of these paragraphs can be split up, as long as you expand on things.

Some ideas to get things going:

When did she discover this power? That would be something to add in the opening section, or early on in the second section.

How does she feel about flying? You have some indication here, but it's not really physical, if that makes sense. What I mean is: You're talking about what her mind is telling her, but what about the way the wind feels? How she gets goosebumps trying or the sheer elation of being able to break the laws of physics? Add in some scenery description (an article on the subject found here) to make this shine.

Overall: Like Blink said, the ending makes this story continue and need to be continued. There is room to introduce a plot with that, or you could just delete those lines and make it a stand-alone work.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hiya, borntoshop here.

I'm not very good at reviews, but I'll tell you what i liked
and didn't.

I thought you were very descriptive

and you explained how she felt very well, and you really
captured it.

You did jump around just a little bit, you could of split things up.

I thought it was good i didn't find many bad things, other

people have clarified that and i wont repeat.

But very good.

Borntoshop

Hi What I'll do is I'll comment as I read through and then write a little summary at the end, okay?

I felt a hot twinge of excitement as I slammed the door to my bedroom shut maybe t make it more short and sweet: "as I slammed my bedroom door shut"?. My heart was leaping inside my chest, dash? hyphen? this couldn’t be happening, it was too amazing. It was too impossible. Too unbelievable and yet no matter what physics told me, I was doing it. I was flying. :] My head buzzed with a million thoughts, all telling me opposing things until my mind was a blur of confusion and amazement. I clenched my fists, what If I couldn’t do it again, what if it was a one off, a miracle. I closed my eyes tight, focusing all my energy to my centre and all of a sudden I was airborne again, all of a sudden it was real. My feet lifted slowly of the ground, as my weight shifted and I was light, unbelievably light. My emotions overwhelmed me as I moved mystically upwards, in awe of my body as it shifted where my mind told it to. Gravity gave way beneath me and I felt a huge adrenaline rush flood threw my body, repeating a thousand times over in every cell, every atom of my being. It was effortless and gave me a new lease of life I never knew I possessed, as If all my years I had only been living by half. As if now I could open my mouth and truly breathe full-stop! but otherwise, fabulous, fun imagery!


---------------------------------------------------------------


The night air is cool on my feet as I walk briskly down the street. Every house I pass hosts small incomplete families eating dinner but I don’t pause to stare, I don’t have time for staring. then how, exactly, do you know?

I don’t know where to go. I know it has to be somewhere private, somewhere no one will find me but where I can fly properly. Every alley seems too small or too open and exposed, so I walk on, further and further until the urban streets wind into country lanes. It’s a clear night, with the moon replacing the cities bright lights. The wind is cool against my body, making me hyper aware of every sense around me. I reach a deserted hillside, where I can look down over the city of Bath. Millions of lights glow brightly back at me, contrasting the night sky with a silent tranquillity. I feel ready.

Taking a large gulp of air I pull out the red jacket from my rucksack. Its old, tattered and several sizes to large but it provides a welcome comfort from the cool night air. A thin smile spreads across my lips, in excitement, curiously and slight smugness. Maybe I am among millions but at present, with this exhilarating feeling of self pride and uniqueness coursing through my veins, it does not matter. Nothing else matters. nice sentence variation

I zip up the jacket and step forward, towards the steep edge of the hill side I by some miracle managed to climb. The whole of Bath pretty damn cool place for a fly, methinks lays before me, and without hesitation or a second thought of might have been,




I jump.



And then just like that I am flying. I feel that strange sensation of gravity shifting beneath me as I remain floated in the air. Not a second has passed since I jumped, time seems to stand still for me as I make my next move. It’s not really like flying, flying is achieved by some great effort on your arms part, this is more raw unyielding power than I can direct in any way I want. Like an unbalance in gravity which I can control, the more force I press onto one side of my body the larger the distance I travel. It’s a whole sense of 3D that I have never experienced before, where the laws of physics have somehow bent to conform for me. Like I am the exception.

I’m not far off the ground, just a hundred metres from my hillside but now with the fresh taste of adrenaline in my mind I am ready to go further. I know where I want to go now, to the city. I want to see it at this whole new angle but part of me holds the rest back. If I am the only one, If I am this so called exception then surely, surely... The feeling of worry and weakness suddenly for bodes me. I cannot grasp what my instinct is telling me, what it is reasoning with. This is just a sick feeling at the pit of my stomach and I should ignore it. So I do, and I take off into the night sky regardless of my uneasily stomach and mind. Though through my conscious hm, I don't think this is the right place for this word? I feel my hands reaching for the red jackets hood and pulling it over my face, somehow I feel that it is important.

Well! I loved it. And am insanely jealous of her skill. It was fun read, so thank you. Only thing i would mention is that you need to be aware that you don't get too samey when describing the sensation of flying. Otherwise, wondrous!

Hello, Zaddy!
I think, that your story is good.
It is text-description. Good text-description. I think, it is very good to write some small stories. It also will help you, when you will write novels. Writer creates ''film'' in reader's head, it is even more, then film: writer makes reader feel character's feelings. And this text made me to feel all, what flying character feels.

Antonina.

Just like to say thanks to all of the peeps that posted here, especially Blink and Rosy-Unicorn, this was just a short extract from my book, probably should have put that in the summary. Your reviews really helped me sort out that piece, it was too raw for most peoples liking and a little rushed


thanks!

I liked this. Everything seemed perrfectly fine to me =)
Just fix the nitpicks I'm too lazy to point out and everyone else already did, and you'll be fine.
Ohh, and I'd love to read your book.
Pm it to me or e-mail me at Icefire63111@comcast.net.

Hi Iz,

This, in my opinion is even better than racing wind. I think it contains that extra little bit that longer pieces often loose. One nit pick 'hyper aware' now it might just be me, but it seems not to fit here, is it a phrase I've never come across or something? OK well that is actually my only criticism, i really love it, you going to carry on?


Mads

Yep, its actually an extract from the last book Mist. So it is actually part of Racing Wind just from another point of view and it is from a long piece of work