z

Young Writers Society


Possible Story Starter about OCD and love?



Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Wed Sep 17, 2014 1:27 am
tpayne4761 says...



Every day is a battlefield. Worries and anxieties flying through the air, blowing up the relationships and successes that are so firmly established. A relentless, never ending fight between logic and its weak armory and the overpowering troops of irrational fear and compulsion. The logic and rational hordes are forced to sit back and dig in; hiding in this same place, taking the same shots, hoping the same methods will be able to fend off the overwhelming opposition. The battlefield is a wasteland, gashes and holes torn into the once beautiful lavish landscape. The landscape that once yielded a beautiful harvest, fields of beauty and intellect growing and expanding like no other, is now barren, serving the sole purpose as the arena for an unnecessary war.

She’s making it worth it. The first day I noticed her sitting, almost in a trance with her earbuds swaying loosely over her rebellious dark outfit. Her green eyes that fight the look of a brooding teen, give way to a full spirit that seems almost unreal for a teenage girl. Her newly blond dyed hair drawing attention, but less attention than the breathtaking smile she reveals as she hears a joke of the driest humor that she finds such pleasure in. In that instant, with the glint of her perfect white teeth, the profoundness behind her striking eyes, the warring stopped. Anxieties, worries, and doubts lay dormant in their armaments, and there were no repetitive responses from the logic, and for a moment all was quiet on that once beautiful, but now damaged land.

I knew. I knew this girl, this new wonder of my world, was my solution; my peace treaty. Two armies warring over thoughts and fears are a lot less effective than a unified force, fighting for the impossible goal: a space in the complex mind of a unique girl.
  





User avatar
1464 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 15394
Reviews: 1464
Fri Sep 19, 2014 2:30 am
Juniper says...



Hi Payne, June here to review!

You do a good job painting a feeling. You build up to the focal point well, but there are a few minor notes on wording that I'll illustrate below.

Worries and anxieties flying through the air, blowing up the relationships and successes that are so firmly established.


I don't like the phrase "that are so firmly" because it sounds incredibly vague! At this point, you're leading us into a story and you have our attention; this is the point to give us concrete details.

I can work to interpret what you mean here; I think you're trying to say that the anxiety and worry dismantles all progress, but I think you should tell us that in a cleaner way, perhaps hinting at what or how established that progress. :)

A relentless, never ending fight between logic and its weak armory and the overpowering troops of irrational fear and compulsion. The logic and rational hordes are forced to sit back and dig in; hiding in this same place, taking the same shots, hoping the same methods will be able to fend off the overwhelming opposition.


Be really, really careful with close repetition. Writers are one of the luckiest groups of people in the world because they can unapologetically use the thesaurus from one end to another, and I encourage you to! If readers feel like ideas and things are being repeated, their interest tends to wane.

There are things I like about this description -- I like the way it builds and I like how you pair a war between logic and wandering minds, but you use phrases like "dig in" when we're not certain what we're digging in to (is it a pie? a garden? the international space station!? :P ) and "same methods" when you haven't told us what methods this description is hinting at.



The battlefield is a wasteland, gashes and holes torn into the once beautiful lavish landscape. The landscape that once yielded a beautiful harvest, fields of beauty and intellect growing and expanding like no other, is now barren, serving the sole purpose as the arena for an unnecessary war.


Little note on repetition again! You just used battlefield by telling us that every day is a battlefield. I'm not sure if you should say that every day is a battle, and then use battlefield here (it would work), but remember that for consistency's sake, if you use a word for one thing, you should stick close to it so you don't confuse your audience.

Use a synonym for landscape! The English language has a thousand and one ways to say beautiful. Get creative! :D

Her newly blond dyed hair drawing attention,


I think it should be "...newly dyed blond hair...". :D


I knew. I knew this girl, this new wonder of my world, was my solution; my peace treaty.


I like this line. :)


Two armies warring over thoughts and fears are a lot less effective than a unified force, fighting for the impossible goal: a space in the complex mind of a unique girl.


And I really enjoy the way you tie it all together in the end.

All in all, you have potential, and I think it could be worth your time to continue this. I think your concept here is a good one, so you should focus improvement efforts on the presentation. Use synonyms and don't be afraid to unfold words and borrow their definitions to avoid repetition.

Remember, too, that you're telling us a story. In the beginning, I wasn't sure who the narrator was or what the story was about -- which to be honest, is perfectly fine, because that's the sort of thing we learn as the story unfolds. What I don't see, however, is how the girl ties to the narrator, and why the narrator is so sure that she's an escape. Tie it together, make us see eye-to-eye with the narrator by telling us more.


Best of luck writing,

June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter
  








A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson