The Third Chapter of Genesis-Revised
Spoiler! :
1. Now the Salesman was more subtle than any worker of Wal-Mart which the Manager had hired. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath the Doctor said, Ye shall not eat of every food which growth on trees?
2. And the woman said unto the Salesman, We may eat of the fruit and the vegetables of the produce section;
3. But of the fruit of the Cocoa tree which is in the midst of the sweets aisle, the Doctor hath said, Ye shall not eat it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye grow fat.
4. And the Salesman said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely get fat;
5. For the Doctor doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good food from evil food.
6. And when the woman saw that the bar was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a candy to be desired to make one wise, she took of the bar thereof, and did eat, and gave also until her husband with her; and he did eat.
7. And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were without expensive raiment; and they went to the clothing section; and they bought themselves of Abercrombie and Fitch.
8. And they heard the voice of the Doctor walking through the lingerie section; and the husband and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the doctor amongst the underpants.
9. And the Doctor called unto the husband, and said unto him, Where art thou?
10. And he said, I heard thy voice in the lingerie, and I was afraid because of my fatness; and I hid myself.
11. And the Doctor said, Who told thee that thou wast fat? Hast thou eaten of the candy, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
12. And the man said, The woman whom thou hast counseled, she gave me of the candy, and I did eat.
13. And the Doctor said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The Salesman beguiled me, and I did eat.
14. And the Doctor said unto the Salesman, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all workers, and above every laborer of the streets; upon thy vacuums shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou suck up all the days of the life:
15. And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall slam the door in thy face, and thou shalt plague his phone with calls.
16. Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy antibiotics; in sorrow thou shalt run on the treadmill; and thy pants size shall be like unto thy husbands; and it shall grow continually.
17. And unto the husband he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of they wife, and hast eaten of the candy, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the table for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of the broccoli all the days of thy life;
18. Celery and Carrots also shall it give to thee; and thou shalt eat the leafy greens of the field;
19. In the sweat of they face thou shalt exercise, till thou fall to the ground; for off of it thou wast taken; and to the hospital though shalt return.
20. And the husband called his wife’s name Nag; because she was the mother of all nagging.
21. Unto him also and to his wife did the Doctor give pills.
22. And the Doctor said, Behold, the man is become as one of the hippos, to know of fat and sweat: and now, lest he put forth his hand and take also of the Icecream, and eat, and be fat forever:
23. Therefore the Doctor sent him forth from the Wal-Mart, to run around the track.
24. Se he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the store of Wal-Mart Greeters, and a sliding gate which hissed every way to keep the way of candy and the Icecream.
And that is how chocolate is the root of all evil.
2. And the woman said unto the Salesman, We may eat of the fruit and the vegetables of the produce section;
3. But of the fruit of the Cocoa tree which is in the midst of the sweets aisle, the Doctor hath said, Ye shall not eat it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye grow fat.
4. And the Salesman said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely get fat;
5. For the Doctor doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good food from evil food.
6. And when the woman saw that the bar was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a candy to be desired to make one wise, she took of the bar thereof, and did eat, and gave also until her husband with her; and he did eat.
7. And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were without expensive raiment; and they went to the clothing section; and they bought themselves of Abercrombie and Fitch.
8. And they heard the voice of the Doctor walking through the lingerie section; and the husband and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the doctor amongst the underpants.
9. And the Doctor called unto the husband, and said unto him, Where art thou?
10. And he said, I heard thy voice in the lingerie, and I was afraid because of my fatness; and I hid myself.
11. And the Doctor said, Who told thee that thou wast fat? Hast thou eaten of the candy, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
12. And the man said, The woman whom thou hast counseled, she gave me of the candy, and I did eat.
13. And the Doctor said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The Salesman beguiled me, and I did eat.
14. And the Doctor said unto the Salesman, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all workers, and above every laborer of the streets; upon thy vacuums shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou suck up all the days of the life:
15. And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall slam the door in thy face, and thou shalt plague his phone with calls.
16. Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy antibiotics; in sorrow thou shalt run on the treadmill; and thy pants size shall be like unto thy husbands; and it shall grow continually.
17. And unto the husband he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of they wife, and hast eaten of the candy, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the table for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of the broccoli all the days of thy life;
18. Celery and Carrots also shall it give to thee; and thou shalt eat the leafy greens of the field;
19. In the sweat of they face thou shalt exercise, till thou fall to the ground; for off of it thou wast taken; and to the hospital though shalt return.
20. And the husband called his wife’s name Nag; because she was the mother of all nagging.
21. Unto him also and to his wife did the Doctor give pills.
22. And the Doctor said, Behold, the man is become as one of the hippos, to know of fat and sweat: and now, lest he put forth his hand and take also of the Icecream, and eat, and be fat forever:
23. Therefore the Doctor sent him forth from the Wal-Mart, to run around the track.
24. Se he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the store of Wal-Mart Greeters, and a sliding gate which hissed every way to keep the way of candy and the Icecream.
And that is how chocolate is the root of all evil.
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