Young Writers Society

Hi! So, probably the best song I've ever written :3
My best friends and I have our own fan made Hunger Games movie, and Bella and I decided I needed to write a song for it. It's pretty much based off the scene in MockingJay when Peeta comes back from the Capitol and he remembers nothing. It's from Katniss' view. (I play Katniss) Hope you enjoy! Yes, I did repeat the Chorus because I like it better that way. You don't have to keep scrolling up. <333

Verse 1-
Your whisper is floating in and out of my memory,
and I’m trying to remember why.
Why I kept my heart from loving you,
why I ignored your heart and kept you from me,
trying to avoid the feelings.

And now you’re lost and gone,
they’ve wiped your dreams.
All that’s left is an empty shell,
a distant wish upon a star,
that will never come true.

So I’ll just close my eyes,
pray that I don’t wake
because dreams are so much better than reality,
and sleeping is such a relief.

Chorus-
Why don’t you close your eyes too?
Why don’t you remember the old you?
The wind is carrying your voice away,
I can’t hear what you’re saying
It’s all so quiet.
So speak louder.
Let me hear your voice!
Because I might go insane,
waiting for you
to return.

Verse 2-
I don’t understand why this has happened.
I did everything I could, to bring you back to me.
But when you look at me, the love isn’t there.
There are no stars flickering across your Sapphire eyes.
I want those stars to return, to caress my face through a look.
But they say you’ll never come back,
that you’ll be gone forever and if you come back
those stars won’t.

So I’ll just curl up and cry,
hope that morning comes.
Because this endless night
is to dark for me to see the light!

Chorus-
Why don’t you close your eyes too?
Why don’t you remember the old you?
The wind is carrying your voice away,
I can’t hear what you’re saying
It’s all so quiet.
So speak louder.
Let me hear your voice!
Because I might go insane,
waiting for you
to return.

Bridge-
Sleeping doesn’t last forever,
I can’t live in a dream.
The worst thing about dreaming
is waking and seeing that you’re still gone.
Crying doesn’t make you return,
I can’t stay sad forever.
But when I see you,
I think I can.
So please return,
return to me.

Chorus-
Why don’t you close your eyes too?
Why don’t you remember the old you?
The wind is carrying your voice away,
I can’t hear what you’re saying
It’s all so quiet.
So speak louder.
Let me hear your voice!
Because I might go insane,
waiting for you
to return.

Ending-
I can’t sleep forever, my dreams don’t last.
So please speak louder,
so I can return to reality.
I’m waiting for you in our unfulfilled wishes
that hover on the edges of your eyes.

Hi, Spark! My name is TommySneak, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't to hard to decipher considering the splendid website assigns each member a chance to customize their name, which is then displayed on these quaint forums so we are aware of who is writing what.

Anyway, redirecting all this positive bubbling energy into reviewing your song, I have to say it's very abstract in the most wonderful way possible, while still not being an incoherent mess of ideas and 'inspiration' that many hipsters use as an excuse to shove their poor taste in music down our ears. The emotion, though very basic and simple, is very powerful, and permeates through the entire piece. The feelings of narrator can be much more than easily felt, and it's hard not to feel sympathy, as if you're sharing this experience, hoping for the best, and fearing the worst.

Grammatically, your piece is also impregnable, and your wording and phrasing is fluid, yet strong, and generally fantastic. I'm not familiar with you or your work, but I do hope to see more! Kudos!

Hey, first of all I'm really excited for you as you are obviously proud of this piece. Second of all, I have no idea what you're talking about for the rest of your introduction haha so keep that in mind when I'm reviewing. Okay I think it's great, beautifully metaphoric! You're opening lines of your verses tended to be the best parts, for example

Your whisper is floating in and out of my memory,
and I’m trying to remember why

Okay so two lines but still, I think this part is a great opening for the song, however the next few lines are alright just not as great; they're just a bit more obvious and stated. I loved your next two verses. I thought you're chorus was brilliant! Especially in its flow. These two lines are definitely the greatest parts,

Why don’t you remember the old you?
The wind is carrying your voice away,

well done on those!!! Your second verse is good but it just kind of loses my attention a little, I think you would do better by separating it out into little paragraphs within the verse like you did with verse 1. I also really liked you're bridge, because it was so true in its emotion! You're endings okay, but I think it could do with a more resonant last line, something a bit shorter- but thats just my opinion and after all I don't know how it works with music. As you can see there's a lot of things I like about it so well done!!!!! -Rachel