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Young Writers Society


The Water ( Short)



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65 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 248
Reviews: 65
Wed Jan 18, 2012 10:23 pm
dasiamari says...



The waters for fighters
and stone cold survivors.
Swim back,
before its too late.

I understand
your grown, and
you have to learn how to
stand on your own.

Chorus.
_________
But do you have to jump
in head first?
You'll drown
babygirl.
Your still soft
let me teach you the ropes.

Take it one stroke
at a time.
__________

The waters rough
and you jumpin' first
doesn't make it calm.

I get that you
just wanna do it your
own way, hey

Chorus 1x

Take your time
take your time
you'll learn to survive baby girl.
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 5107
Reviews: 100
Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:44 am
NaRachel says...



Hey :) I like the flow of this song, it works pretty well. Also the theme is good- admittedly its verging on cliche but I think thats okay.There were some grammar problems which detracted from it a little: This part was a bit confusing
I understand
your grown, and
you have to learn how to
stand on your own.

I think its the "your grown" that's the trouble.. "You've grown" would make a bit more sense, or maybe you meant "you're grown".

Okay I know I said the theme wasn't cliche but there are little parts that are just a little. First of all
Stone cold survivors
my problem with this is more the fact that I don't understand it, why are survivors "stone cold"? However I liked you're opening line, "The water's for fighters". Also "babygirl" I have a huge dislike of using this word in songs, however maybe thats just me. And
Let me teach you the ropes
, I'm not sure about this line, is it supposed to have a nautical theme, as in ropes on a boat? I've heard the expression but I just think you can do better than to use already used expressions- make your own up! :)
Otherwise it was good, as you can see I'm a little confused about most parts and weather i think they need to be changed or not- this would ultimately depend on if it sounds good with the music.. Keep writing! :) -Rachel
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"
  








The greatest part of a writer’s time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book.
— Samuel Johnson