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We Fall



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Gender: Female
Points: 248
Reviews: 65
Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:02 am
dasiamari says...



Try to stay calm
don't let the tears run.

Try to step back
block myself from pain.

Tried to step back
block myself from pain.

Now I'm falling down
hard. I pushed everyone
up so far.
They can't hear me scream.

they all think I can take care of me.

Chorus
___________
I took there place
in this horridness
Now I take the blame
Kneel before the king
I'm so guilty
Even though I'm clean.
_________________

Don't show defeat
keep my head held high
keep a dry eye.

I live to protect
I don't like the mess
that drama brings
but I hate the trauma more.

So I step in to block
you from that.

I jump in front
protect her from his blows
and I fall to the floor
it's okay I'll get back up.

But now this time
I don't think I'll recover.
Seen thing that just
weren't right
I tried to fight
I took the fall again.


Chorus
___________
I took there place
in this horridness
Now I take the blame
Kneel before the king
I'm so guilty
Even though I'm clean.
_________________

I tried to save you
god forgive if I failed
I pushed you higher
While I fell down to hell.

I tried to take your place
block you from those burning flames
but they wanted all.

Every one is higher up
no one heard us fall.

Chorus
___________
I took there place
in this horridness
Now I take the blame
Kneel before the king
I'm so guilty
Even though I'm clean.
_________________
I'm so clean
My only crime bein'
I could never turn away
always step to take the blame.
Now we fall.
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 5107
Reviews: 100
Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:55 am
NaRachel says...



Hey, I just reviewed your other piece "The Water", looks like you're really getting into the writing which is great! I liked this one better than you're other. I think you're writing is close to being really good- most of your songs are good but then there's just a couple of lines that bring the rest of the song down. I'm going to comment on the parts I think need improvement- i.e constructive criticism instead of praise. I thought you're chorus was good and interesting however its slightly handicapped by the fact you used the wrong "there", it should have been "their". I thought these lines
keep my head held high
keep a dry eye.
have been heard a bit too much before- try to be a little more original :) This part confused me
I jump in front
protect her from his blows
this mysterious "her" and "his" have been randomly introduced where as before you were just talking about "they" and "you"- and I can't understand who is who, i.e who is the "you"? And who is the "her" and his"? Also, grammatically this line
Seen thing that just
weren't right
should be "seen things" to make proper sense. Apart from that, I liked your last line "Now we fall", its so final and resonant. And I also thought this part was really interesting
Now I'm falling down
hard. I pushed everyone
up so far.
They can't hear me scream.
so well done :) Keep writing- Rachel
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"
  








That's a stupid question.
— Jack Hanna