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Baby Blue Eyes



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Points: 248
Reviews: 65
Tue Jan 10, 2012 5:06 am
dasiamari says...



Your laughter's gone
Just a memory now
When I look into
your baby blue
eyes.

They're so empty now
void of everything.
Emotion gone but
one.

And I can see
the sadness break you.
You're falling down.
And I can't save you.

Chorus
--------------
I remember last summer
your baby blue eyes
staring up at at that
baby blue sky
on a Sunday afternoon.

And it's just me and you
in the back of this truck
in the whole big wide world.
Baby boy.
__________

I'll hold you close
don't let you blow away,
like a memory. I'll bring
summer back
to your
Baby blue eyes.

Oh how they shine
when you smile
light up my world,
let come come back.

Chorus
I remember last summer
your baby blue eyes
staring up at at that
baby blue sky
on a Sunday afternoon.

And it's just me and you
in the back of this truck
in the whole big wide world.
Baby boy.

I'll wipe away those
nasty tears.
And let a smile
unfurl,
Let it shine bright
light up my world
tonight.
With your baby blue eyes.

I miss laughing down
by that old stream.
And I miss splashing
around like some
country dream.
I miss
You in your Sunday best
Tugging at that tie
Me in my Sunday dress
sittin' side by side.

But what I miss the
most.
Is your baby eyes
When you laugh
they shine.
I know truthfully
You are better than me.

You can see the innocence
in your baby blue eyes
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  





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Reviews: 1247
Fri Jan 13, 2012 3:46 am
JabberHut says...



Hi, Dasia!

This certainly isn't one of your best works, and I think there was some contradiction here and there that I'll point out. HOWEVER, I think you've got some good parts here and very cute imagery. Some phrases are also just perfect with the flow and rhythm. So there's definitely something here, it's just not perfect yet! ;)

Your laughter's gone
Just a memory now
When I look into
your baby blue
eyes.


They're so empty now
void of everything.
Emotion gone but
one.


And I can see
the sadness break you.
You're falling down.
And I can't save you.


I had some trouble reading through this part because I think the stanzas each told something different from the others, thus they weren't tied together well. They were fighting each other to see which message the song will inevitably depend on, so to speak. xD

Red - When I read this, I thought of the narrator not caring for the person anymore. Those baby blue eyes weren't doing the magic they once did.

Green - This verse implies that it's the other way around entirely! The owner of those baby blue eyes don't care about the narrator anymore.

Blue - Finally, this verse says that the owner of those baby blue eyes aren't angry but rather disappointed or upset about something.

So basically, the introduction was a bit confusing and dizzying! They each tell their story very wonderfully, they're just three different stories to me! XD

I'll hold you close
don't let you blow away,
like a memory. I'll bring
summer back
to your
Baby blue eyes.

Oh how they shine
when you smile
light up my world,
let come come back.


This part is a sort of whiplash compared to the first part. It's certainly a beautiful continuation from the chorus -- which, by the way, I very much liked -- but since the verses are usually explaining the same story, there's no smooth transition between the first part and the second part here.

That aside, I absolutely adore the "bring summer back to your baby blue eyes" line, and just... the imagery and metaphors used. So wonderful.

But what I miss the
most.
Is your baby eyes
When you laugh
they shine.
I know truthfully
You are better than me.

You can see the innocence
in your baby blue eyes


While I don't think the couplet does much for the song, I think this last verse/part is a beautiful finish. I absolutely enjoyed it. It's pretty, and just.. adorable.

The flow doesn't read smoothly, but the music could very well change that impression, so something to keep an eye (or ear?) on!

That's all I have to say, though! It could use some work, but I think it could get somewhere in the end. Make sure the song agrees on a message and tells it without going off on tangents. (I am so guilty of doing this. It's so awful. XD)

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  








I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
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