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Quand je dors sur le toit



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Reviews: 152
Mon Jan 09, 2012 8:25 pm
Mikko says...



I haven't been in a writing mood recently, I guess it's a writer's block. However this song just popped into my head suddenly and I had to write it. It still needs work and more emotion, though. Oh and it is in two languages. ;D

Verse 1

A flicker of starlight through my eyelids,
a flicker of hope in my heart.
You've returned, my dream bids,
but reality still keeps us apart.


Verse 2

A down-pour of loneliness on me;
I wish you were here to keep me warm
but clouds of despair are all I see
and I fall asleep in the storm.


Chorus

Why can't constellations show
how much I am missing you?
I wish they'd line up in a row -
a message you'll see too.
Quand je dors sur le toit,
je ne pense qu'à toi
et je souhaite que tu reviennes
dans mes bras.
When I'm sleeping on the roof,
all I think about is you
and I pray that you come back
in my arms.


Verse 3

Les lumières de la nuit illuminent mes pensées,
les lumières de la nuit m’emportent dans un rêve;
quand je me souviens du passé,
cette nostalgie me soulève.


Verse 4

Suis-je en plein délire sans toi?
Car le vent il souffle doucement,
mais je n'entends que ta voix
qui arrête mon coeur lentement.



When I'm sleeping on the roof,
all I think about is you
and I pray that you come back
in my arms.


Chorus

Why can't constellations show
how much I am missing you?
I wish they'd line up in a row -
a message you'll see too.
Quand je dors sur le toit,
je ne pense qu'à toi
et je souhaite que tu reviennes
dans mes bras.
When I'm sleeping on the roof,
all I think about is you
and I pray that you come back
in my arms.


Ending

It's not madness, it's by choice
that all I hear is your voice
on this roof, under the midnight sky -
waiting, wishing - here I lie.



Fin.
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  





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Fri Jan 13, 2012 3:28 am
JabberHut says...



Hi, Mikster!

I don't know French (I assume it's French, anyway. XD), so I won't be of as much use as you probably would like, but I can totes work on the English bits? 8D

Basically, I really like what I see. It's very... pretty, really. XD I like it a lot! I only have small nitpicks rather than general comments, which is a good sign that there isn't any serious issues to consider here, on my part!

A down-pour of loneliness on me;
I wish you were here to keep me warm
but clouds of despair are all I see
and I fall asleep in the storm.


I don't think finding warmth in a hug has anything to do with your song, so that seemed a bit out there for me!

I really love the "clouds of despair," tying in with the whole starry-night-sky bit. That's really well done! The storm as well. :D

When I'm sleeping on the roof,
all I think about is you
and I pray that you come back
in my arms.


I might sound a bit... crazy, but just bear with me! XD I feel like this stanza contradicts the last two lines of verse 2. Verse 4, here, indicates that this person is on the narrator's mind all the time. 100% on their mind. The last two lines of verse 2, however, indicates there is a cloud around their vision, implying that... they're not thinking of the narrator sometimes? There's some inconsistency somewhere between the two verses that I'm having a hard time putting my finger on, apparently. XD Or at least explaining. Verse 2 says the narrator's vision gets clouded from thinking of the person, and verse 4 says the narrator's always thinking of the person. I don't know. xD *flail*

Why can't constellations show
how much I am missing you?
I wish they'd line up in a row -
a message you'll see too.


Now, I really love your chorus. I know I can only understand half of it, but I really love how you tie in the two languages into the chorus anyway. That alone is awesome!

This part of the chorus, I stumbled reading at first, and I think it's because it says "constellations," but constellations are the formations of stars. Constellations don't do the forming into words and patterns, if I understand my astrology correctly. xD So this part is actually wondering why Leo and Gemini can't explain why the narrator is missing the person. Food for thought anyway!

----

But yeah, nitpicks is all! It's really pretty, and I so wish I could understand the French (again, assuming it is French xD). It's very lovely, and the imagery and setting are gorgeous. I feel like this could turn into something extraordinary with a little tweaking!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  








Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.
— Captain Raymond Holt