Young Writers Society

Finally come to my senses
Shake my head
and close out your chat box.

Tired of my insecurity
that you always seem
to give me.

Chorus
You wore me out
You broke me down
I'm not answering your
Messages or picking
up the phone.
And now you know
Why.
________
I so done
with pretending
Pasting a smile on my face.

And your always yelling.
And I've stayed quite so long.

And now I'm out!
And screaming your name
Telling the world that your
the one to blame.

My mother thought I lost my way
When I just stopped coming over
One day.

My father was sure
That you hurt me.
But he couldn't never find
you.

Because you lived your own world.
Where happiness
Doesn't exsist.
And smiles are frown upon.

Chorus 1x

And I'm telling you goodbye.
Don't bother coming around
'Cause I'm so over you

I'm so over being
Unsure. Insecure.
Tired of
Laying down
To make you feel
tall.
Oh ooh Whoa oh .

I'm so over you.

This song looks very similiar to another song you did. It seems to have the same theme I mean. Personally, I'm not impressed with this because it doesn't move me in anyway. It's just too cliche to be taken seriously. That may sound harsh and I don't mean to be harsh, but like I mentioned before, this has the same theme as another song you've done and repeating the same themes more than once gets kind of redundant.

The flow the song is out of whack as well...especially with the constant stopping of a sentence to bring a word down below it. It's something I've noticed that you do a lot. It just disrupts the flow.

You also made some grammatical mistakes as well.

Finally come to my senses
I shake my head
and close out your chat box.

Tired of my insecurity
that you always seem
to give me.

Chorus
You wore me out
You broke me down
I'm not answering your
Messages or picking
up the phone.
And now you know
Why.

I'm so done
with pretending
Pasting a smile on my face.

And you're always yelling.
And I've stayed quite so long.

And now I'm out!
And screaming your name
Telling the world that you're
the one to blame.

My mother thought I lost my way
When I just stopped coming over
One day.

My father was sure
That you've hurt me.
But he could never find
you.

Because you live in your own world.
Where happiness
Doesn't exsist.
And smiles are frown upon.

Chorus 1x

And I'm telling you goodbye.
Don't bother coming around
'Cause I'm so over you

I'm so over being
Unsure. Insecure.
Tired of
Laying down
To make you feel
tall.
Oh ooh Whoa oh .

I'm so over you

I do like the part where you said

Because you live in your own world.
Where happiness
Doesn't exsist.
And smiles are frown upon.

That part was creative

Well good luck
Sorry if I sound like a jerk..lol

Hi, Dasia!

You've been cranking these out like there's no tomorrow! There seems to be trend in that I'm, again, not as impressed as I am with some of your other work. It probably didn't help that I got distracted by Facebook. XD *kicks FB*

Anyhow! The grammar needs some work -- especially since some of your sentences mean something completely different than what you were trying to say. XD

But he couldn't never find
you.

Means that the father could find him. But I think you were trying to say the father couldn't ever find him. Grammar is important, so definitely go through and check all that!

The flow also was choppy, but allinall covered that already. 8D

I will say that I particularly enjoyed the modernized setting of this. Not many songs -- at least, not ones that I listen to -- mention chat boxes and texting. So! That was a fun twist in yours.

I'm not sure this song really tells any sort of story but, in fact, just repeats the same message in different ways, adding a bit of evidence here and there to support it (i.e. the stanzas about mom and dad). There's really nothing else to it though, which is where I think your song is weak. There's not much to relate to situationally (I totes made a word up lyka bawss), so it leaves the reader trying to make sense out of juice boxes -- that is, making sense out of simplicity and/or vagueness. Don't ask me where juice boxes came from. XD

Hopefully, that gave some insight for your piece. I'm predicting this will need to be rewritten to better emcompass what the song's message is. It's very much a skeleton without any meat on it at all, but I can see some nice parts to it that you can build off of -- that is, the message you're expressing and the very little imagery you have already. You can expand on both quite easily and a lot, so definitely have fun with that!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!