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Mindful of the Mindless



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Points: 1092
Reviews: 2
Sun Jan 08, 2012 9:17 am
allinall says...



Every door is closed and locked
And each day is a repeat of the one before
So here I sit so heavily absorbed by my surroundings
Eager to escape I watch events unfolding to those who aren't real
Yes, who are not real
They aren't real

An open door is soon blocked
And each day will drag on just like the one before
So there in the light is a life that is quite so astounding
An easy escape; it's here moments are furnished with a new way to feel
A new way to feel
That isn't real

Companionship has just decided to run away
And Loneliness felt like it needed to come back to stay
Far away Love has been ill, made deaf by its own song
Soon Hopelessness and Emptiness came in to stay for long
As long
As long
As long as it takes

Everyone's just plain old noise
And each voice completely corrupts my peaceful mind
So clear are the strong feelings that I need to be rewritten
Enter to evade, I imagine I'm living there in between the lines
In between the lines
It isn't real

The darkness so thick and poised
That each blink futher reminds me of wasting time
So near is the place created that my heart's not so ridden
With fears that pervade to only sicken me until I start to decline
To only decine
It becomes real

Companionship has long decided to go away
And Loneliness felt obligated to come back and stay
Far away Love has been ill, made dumb by its own song
Soon Hopelessness and Emptiness came in to stay for long
As long
As long
As long as it takes

"I love you."
So beautiful when it was first spoken
But, alas, it came with an expiration date
"I love you so much."
So wonderful whenever it's spoken
But, alas, it smells at the decomposing state
  





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Points: 248
Reviews: 65
Tue Jan 10, 2012 6:00 am
dasiamari says...



Hullo,
I really liked this. The title drew me here so good job!! Not really good on song reviews so I'll just stick with I liked it!
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  





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Fri Jan 13, 2012 4:16 am
JabberHut says...



Hi, allinall!

You've got a very interesting piece here! In fact, in a depressing way, it's very beautiful. You've got a lot of good things in here -- lots of beautiful phrases, gorgeous metaphors, and nice word choice! This read very poetically rather than lyrical, which is what makes it an interesting read. It's not the typical song you see and here!

I feel like the last stanza had no significance to the song. I tried to make it work by reading it a few times, but I'm not quite seeing the correlation between the song and that verse. I think either a new one is needed or just toss it? A rewrite probably fits better with your music. xD

Every door is closed and locked
And each day is a repeat of the one before
So here I sit so heavily absorbed by my surroundings
Eager to escape I watch events unfolding to those who aren't real
Yes, who are not real
They aren't real

An open door is soon blocked
And each day will drag on just like the one before
So there in the light is a life that is quite so astounding
An easy escape; it's here moments are furnished with a new way to feel
A new way to feel
That isn't real


Oddly enough, I struggled with the first couple stanzas. Yet, they seem like they should work the best in this piece, so maybe it's my inexperienced poet that's not quite getting it. However, they seem to contradict each other a bit. In fact, I have more trouble with the second stanza than the first because of that. Now that I look at it, it was probably purely done on purpose how the each line paralleled with the other, but I'm not sure they work. The meanings are off, and it feels like beautiful nonsense when I read it.

For instance, the bold lines. The doors were closed and locked. Now they're open and blocked. It sounds pretty, but they tell different stories/ share different meanings. I'm not sure how the italicized lines work with the bold lines though. Then the underlined part actually confused me. I'm not sure what the narrator means. So overall, I'm not sure where the narrator is going with these two unless you're aiming for the narrator sounding completely insane, so it's okay that we don't understand a thing going on. XD I'm not sure.

This all could be useless babble, too.

In the end, I really like what you have here. Like I said, there are some wonderful parts that ties the message and the title together very nicely. The beginning and end are what seemed to trip me over, mostly. So very well done!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  








When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides