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Not coming back



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Wed Jan 04, 2012 11:35 pm
dasiamari says...



Your yelling and impatiently pushing your hair out your face.
And I'm crying because I don't know the rules to this game.
And I'm just trying to tell you
that I don't want to play.

You should have stopped there.

Chorus
Now your standing outside my window
Yelling at me to come home.
But there is no big enough stone,
you can throw.

"Cause I'm not coming back.
_____________

You made me play
enough of your
crazy mind games.
But you never leave the rules the same.

And when I get lost
You get mad and call me a kinds of names.
And here is to tell you I'm done.

I remember my birthday party
you told my mother how sorry
You felt. That she had to raise me
and put up with my stupidity.

I was shocked then you turned to my father
And told him how bad it must've
felt. When I went out every night.

When you know good and well.
That I was at home holding the phone
Pleading with you that I'm sorry.

Well You should've stopped there.

Chorus
Now your standing outside my window
Yelling at me to come home
But there is no big enough stone
you can throw.

I'm not coming back.
__________________

My mother is standing in the
doorway shaking her head.
Because she still can't understand
why I chose you
Instead. Of living my life I let
You tear it apart. And down I fell.
I crumpled and you thought you won.
Well,
You should have stopped there.

Chorus
______________
Now your standing out side my window
Yelling at me to come home
but there is no big enough stone
you can throw.

Cause I'm not coming back now.
No I'm not coming back.
______________________
My father is in the kitchen
swearing under his breath
Saying you better leave soon
or soon your going to regret it.

And I flash back to that day when
You said I can't do anything right
Well I did something right now.
And left you outside.

Now your standing outside my window
Yelling at me to come home
But there is no big enough stone
you can throw.

I'm not coming back.
I'm not coming back.
No I'm not coming back home.
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  





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Points: 14918
Reviews: 384
Fri Jan 06, 2012 1:41 am
eldEr says...



Hi Dasia! Isha here to review for you!

Well, I'm going to put it out that your chorus was my favorite part of the whole song. It was the most original, it had the greatest imagery, and it was the part that stood out most to me. Not only that, but it was the bit that seemed to flow the best for me- the rhythm seemed more stable than the rest of the song.

Now, as for the aforementioned 'rest of the song.' It wasn't bad, but it wasn't excellent either. I can really say too much about rhythm or flow, because I'm imagining that I'd have to hear the song to music to really get it. Unfortunately, though, it really did seem choppy to me in places. The line breaks were a bit odd for a song in areas, too, and I tried singing it over in my head in a good three and a half dozen different ways and styles. Nothing seemed to work- especially near the middle, if I'm remembering correctly.

So, rhythm and flow may be a good thing to mull over if you ever want to go back and edit this. ;)

The second thing I'm going to talk about is the originality of the rest of the song. It was okay- the first few stanzas especially, about the birthday party and what whoever this antagonist had said. However, the way it was worded often through me off. You phrased things a little... oddly? I'll give you an example to show you what I mean:

I remember my birthday party
you told my mother how sorry
You felt. That she had to raise me
and put up with my stupidity.


Let's look at the line-break there, first of all. It sort of cuts something off, and I'm not sure what, but it gives it all an awfully... choppy feel (the number of times I've used that word in this review is starting to exhaust me, but I fail at synonyms). The other thing about this bit is that the rhyme scheme is... not right. The beginning of the song has a well thought-out rhyme scheme- or maybe it's not so much a rhyme scheme as a choice of words that just sound like they could rhyme. However, here... I don't know what you were trying to do. Rhyme "me" and "stupidity," maybe?

Well, whatever it was, it didn't exactly work out so well. The "stupidity" threw off everything for me.

And, unfortunately, I just completely lost my train of thought. I had another section that I wanted to delve into, but I can't even remember what it was. xD (fail!Isha is on the job) I'll come back and edit that in if I remember what it was. >.> *cough*

Anyways, I hope that what I did remember to throw in helped at least a little!

Keep writing,
~~Ish.
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
  





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Sat Jan 07, 2012 9:00 am
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JabberHut says...



Hi, Dasia! Back again!

I really liked this song. It's one of the better ones you've written, I think! The chorus is by far my favorite part. When I first read it, I smiled. There was rhythm, and even without the music, I was already into the groove of the song. I do think your rhythm was held pretty will through the whole thing as I read, so I'm not too worried about that! :D

I think one of the flaws here is the grammar. Lyrics don't always have perfect grammar -- and honestly, that's usually for the better since songs rely on a different sense than written works to catch the audience's attention -- but if you read through it, you'll catch some odd blips in your sentences. It might fit rhythmically, but it has to make sense first! If there's a different way to phrase certain lines to make better sense while still fitting the rhythm, that would be magnificent. I'd encourage that as you go through and edit!

Secondly, I don't know how much significance the opening verse has to this song. I realize it's meant to set up the rest of the song -- which is a good thing -- but it's never referred to again. It's basically a repeat of the chorus, I think? Thus, it's probably not needed. If there's another opening you could dig up instead? Maybe give more depth to the before-story or allude to some other part of the song? I'm not sure. It just didn't quite impress me. Food for thought!

That's all that came to mind though. It was well done, and it certainly told a story. LOADS of imagery. It was fun! In a morbid kind of way. xD I really like the throwing-stones-at-the-window image. That was clever!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  








A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases...
— John Keats