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Young Writers Society


This path (Rough)



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65 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 248
Reviews: 65
Wed Jan 04, 2012 3:39 pm
dasiamari says...



I've been trying
to clear the fog
off they end of this road.

Its dim and thick
and I don't know
where to go
next now.

Sometimes
It get so confusing
and I don't
understand.

This something
that I really do want.
I am going to have to work
for it.
But I don't where to start.

Its so unclear and
the way is clouded
But I hope I'll find my
way. To where I
belong...

To where I belong!!!

And it's no closer
But it clearer
and my path opens
up with options.

But I can't bring
myself to believe that
I can do it.

And it clouds
again. I might get there
someday, somehow.

And I'll be happy
but for now. I just
dream and pretended.

Oh well for now.
Last edited by dasiamari on Wed Jan 04, 2012 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 2634
Reviews: 152
Wed Jan 04, 2012 4:50 pm
Mikko says...



Hey there Mari! I'm here to review your lyrics! I know you said it's rough, but can I still review?

O.o I must say I had a hard time reading the song because of the grammar and the order. There are no obvious verses and chorus. Usually in songs you should distinguish your verses from your chorus and I can't say that I saw any chorus in there.

Let's get to the corrections and suggestions, shall we? I'll go... what? Stanza by stanza? Yes, stanza by stanza.

I've been trying
to clear the fog.
Off they end of this road.


I think you can get rid of the full stop after 'fog'. I'm guessing you mean to have a short pause there but the full stop is not needed. And of course, if you remove that full stop you'll have to turn the following 'Off' into 'off'.

It's dim and thick
and I don't know
where to go.
Next now.


Here too, you don't need the full stop after 'go' and then you wouldn't need 'Next' to be capitalised. Oh, one thing: "Its" is not the same thing as "it's". They're different. The first one shows possession and the second one is the shortening of "it is" and that's the one you meant to use.


Sometimes
It gets so confusing
and I don't
understand.


I don't understand either. Have you written this is a poem form? Because I think you could join some of your stanzas together and make some better verses, thus get a chorus out of the remaining bits that you could repeat. I'll develop this point further, later.

If this is something
that I really do want,
I am going to have to work
for it -
but I don't where to start.


It's so unclear and
the way is clouded,
b
ut I hope I'll find my
way to where I
belong.


I was thinking, seen as what follows this is an exclaimation, you might want to make the last line (the previous one) one that builds suspence by adding ellipsis.


And it's no closer
but it's clearer a
and my path opens
up with options.


I've underlined tha 'a' because I really have no idea what it's doing there.

And it clouds
again. I might get there
somebody, somehow.


I've underlined 'somebody' because I think you mean 'somewhere'. I don't know, I really don't.

And I'll be happy
but for now. I just
dream and pretended.


You should get rid of the full stop after 'now'.


Okay. That's out of the way. I'll show you what I mean by verses and a chorus by giving you an example:

Verse 1

I'm walking down the street,
birds are singing, children playing
in the afternoon summer heat;
loud on the radion, my favourite song's playing.

Verse 2

Then you come along,
blocking by way, taking my hand -
butterflies inside me, smile on my face,
let's go to the beach, run in the sand.

Chorus

An afternoon with you, my darling
is really all I need;
sweep me off my feet, hold me close,
whisper in my ear


...and blah blah blah blah... you get the idea, right? It doesn't have to rhyme of anything, it just has to have a certain... order and it should be organised in a way that your reader/listener (xD) can know it's a song. And it doesn't have to be four llines each time, that's just me being me ;D

Is that clear or would you like me to explain further?

As for the words you used in these lyrics, I'm a little confused because you didn't express them clearly. That's why using good grammar is important. Please try editing the grammatical errors I have pointed out.

Otherwise, I sort of understood what was going on. It's about you (or the narrator, whichever) having difficulties seeing where you're going. At times, life gets pretty difficult, I can agree and I believe that sometimes there's not much you can do about it on the spot-- it's life. What's best is to enjoy every moment of your life, and even when times get hard, the best thing to do is write it all down, like you did!

If you have any questions, you can PM me. I hope this review helped!

Keep writing!

Mikko.
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  





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Sun Jan 08, 2012 3:28 am
JabberHut says...



Hey, Dasia!

I don't have much to add on this song. I think it's very simple and nice, really! Simplicity can be very good, and I think your song benefits from that. So yay! The first half was, in fact, very well done, I think. It's my favorite part of the piece. That seems a bit morbid of me. xD But Seriously, I think the scene of the lyrics' story was set up very nicely up to the climax of the song. Well done!

So the second half, obviously, I was a bit back and forth on. I liked how it seemed to get happier, which made me happy, natuerlich. ;) I do wish I had a better idea as to why the narrator suddenly felt better. After such a sad mood, something usually happens before happiness comes back so hard.

I was a bit disappointed to see the tone go back to confused/lost. It makes the song sort of tragic, which is totes okay. Seriously! 8D I think the ending could have a much better impact though. That entire second half could probably be reworked for more dramatic suspense, keeping the reader's/listener's interest in what the lyrics are saying. You don't want it to sound just like any other sad song, and I think putting a little more meat on those bones would help that out. Give that second half a bit more meaning and significance for the story -- help the reader understand and [somewhat] fully comprehend what's going on in the narrator's life right now.

It's definitely going in a good direction though! Keep at it, and this will certainly turn out very nicely. :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  








I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
— John Cage