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Together Someday



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Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:36 am
telle_04 says...



Spoiler! :
This is for a certain boy named Jordan S., in Australia.


I.
The way you smile completes my day
To think that you're a continent away
And I sit here and I patiently wait
Because I know I'll be with you someday

The way you sing just makes me smile
I wish you know I exist, just for a while
And then I'll think of all the things to say
To you darling, when I'm with you someday

[chorus]
And I just love the way you are
I love the way you play your blue guitar
Oh Jordan, you're such an unreachable star
And I wish that you'll fall right in my arms
My unreachable star

II.
The way you move your pretty hair
Makes me stop what I do and I stare at you
And when I watch you I would dream away
Of what I'll do to be with you someday

[chorus]

[bridge]
And all the girls love you 'cause you're pretty and you're smart
And they'll give up everything to have a place inside your heart
But as for me, I'll be okay just watching from a safe place
Knowing there's a possibility we'll end up together someday

[chorus]
And I love you just the way you are
When you shine while you play your guitar
Oh Jordan, please stay just the way you are
Don't you know that you will make it far?
Oh I wish you know

So love yourself as you are
'Cause we love you while you play your blue guitar
Oh Jordan, you're such an unreachable star
And I wish that you'll fall right in my arms
My unreachable star

[coda]
When you smile, you complete my day
To think that you're a continent away
But everyday I patiently wait
Because who knows, we'll be together someday
You've got the key to my heart..but have you forgotten about a duplicate?
Sorry. I've already given it to someone else.
  





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Reviews: 328
Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:52 pm
LadySpark says...



Hi! I'm Drama and I'm here to review.

The way you smile completes my day.


To think that you're a continent away
And I sit here and I patiently wait.
Because I know I'll be with you someday.


The way you sing just makes me smile.
I wish you know I exist, just for a while,
And then I'll think of all the things to say
to you darling, when I'm with you someday.


And I just love the way you are.
I love the way you play your blue guitar
Oh Jordan, you're such an unreachable star.
And I wish that you'll fall right in my arms.
My unreachable star.

I kind of think the bolded part should be changed. The way it looks now is that the guy is falling into the girls arms. I know this sounds weird, but when I think of a guy or girl falling into each other's arms, it's usually the girl that's falling into the guys arms. So why not change it to:
And I wish that I could fall right into your arms.

The way you move your pretty hair

You might want to change this to a more masculine word, since you're referring to a guy.


Makes me stop what I do and I stare at you

No 'I'

Well, this song was.... Well, to be honest it felt like you were singing about a celebrity. If I'm wrong, I apologize, but it sounds like you're pining after a celebrity who probably will never meet you. I find this song a bit annoying to tell you the truth. It seems like a cliche love story that has no ending, but in truth really doesn't have anything behind it. Excuse my saying so, but this song isn't appealing. It's really just a long letter of 'how I want yous' that will never get read or sent, and makes the reader want to say ENOUGH. Maybe it's cause the song is kind of on the long side. When you have verse after verse, it's easy to lose the actual meaning of the song, and i think that's one of your problems here. You lost the meaning. It turned into repeating lines that didn't add anything new to the story.

That's what a song is. A story, that has to be set carefully and woven with beautiful words and phrases. You have some shining moments in this song, but some of it is just.. blah. gray and blahing. You need some black and white! Some distinction between lines and verses and phrases and chorus'.

Also, your punctuation. You have none. There are no periods, no exclamation marks, no commas, no question marks, nothing. That annoys me. If you don't know where the commas/periods should go, take a guess. Usually, you're going to be right. Because even if you don't realize it, you've retained grammar knowledge in your mind from school. I'd rather correct wrong grammar then have to add it. It takes less time, and there is a chance you're going to get it right.

So, I didn't personally like this song. But it's got a good base. You've just gotta work on the edges a bit. So, good luck and happy writing!

~Drama
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  





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Fri Jan 13, 2012 8:57 am
JabberHut says...



Hi, Telle!

This song was very cute! You definitely had some giddy emotion in there with the imagery and tone. In fact, if I got the impression of your story correctly, it seemed to be about the narrator admiring a famous/ an aspiring musician (that is, either a big star or a youtube entertainer), seeing as they hadn't even met them yet.

So that does mean you told a small story with your words (assuming I was correct)! I think I'd have liked a bit more meat to the story. I found a lot of this to be a bit creeper-esque. XD Like here:

II.
The way you move your pretty hair
Makes me stop what I do and I stare at you
And when I watch you I would dream away
Of what I'll do to be with you someday


Sort of creeper-ish!

Maybe that's what you decided to do to imply that this isn't a personal relationship in any way, but I found it put me off a bit. xD That might just be personal preference. There were other such creeper moments, but again, I don't know how much of a concern that may be.

I did recognize that the flow from reading it was a bit off. Hopefully, it sounds better with the music! Keep an ear on that to make sure it flows smoothly as you sing it.

So love yourself as you are
'Cause we love you while you play your blue guitar


This is an example of what I mean by the flow being a bit off. This line seems to long to fit.

There were other lines in the song that were either too long or too short when I read them. Again, just line it up with the music, and it's probably just fine!

In general, it's a very cute song. If it is a personal song you plan to give someone, maybe make it a bit less creeper-ish? xD They might get put off by that. But as a fangirl kind of song, it's definitely on the way to awesome!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  








Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
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