Young Writers Society

A new song!

Inspritation- the lines from The Real World by Owl City
'Reality is a lovely place, But I wouldn't wanna live there.'

I don’t know how to fly,
Cause I don’t know how to find true peace.
I keep looking and looking around.
There isn’t a world that seems to say hello
To me.
I can’t seem to find,
those highways in the sky,
and they don’t understand
that all I want to do..
is soar.

Let me go
just for awhile.
Let me stretch my wings,
let me soar
above their childish dreams
I don’t think they know
what speaking is
they just keep silent
and watch the world...
pass by.

I don’t know where to go,
it’s hard to see through the fog
I don’t understand
their language,
full of misdemeanors.
But I know,
I won’t be caught unaware...
by the world

Don’t let me go!
Hold me tight.
Cause if you don’t,
I’ll float away on the wings of dreams and hope.
My spirit can’t be tamed,
like the wind across the plains,
so just figure out,
where in the world you’re going to be,
and I’ll follow you all the way.

I don’t know how to fly,
but i think if you taught me to walk,
I’d learn to love reality as much as I love thoughtless dreams.

Hey, Sparky!

This is a great song. Not the best I've read from you yet (Note: Still waiting for another country number xD). I've not heard the Owl City song yet, but will do shortly.

The lyrics are looking quite well put up and do carry a tune I can familiarize myself with (i.e., a made up tune in my head, lol). But as all lyrics that I read here, I just can seem to imagine the song complete without the song actually being sung in its true form. Nevertheless, it does seem to look pretty good here.

My only troubles with the piece is that you've made it a bit confusing since in the second stanza, you've said 'Let me go' and then in the fourth stanza, you say 'Don't let me go'. That part to me felt a little bit conflicting. But maybe that's just me

This is a nice song and I'm sure you'll one day be an amazing lyricist. I'm sure of it. Till then, I'm going to tell to keep the ink flowing, because there's talent right here!

Murtuza

SparkleDoubt!

It's a cute song! I think your imagery is fabulous, actually. You set up an entirely different world in the sky in just a few lines. It's really well-done, and I love it to bits!

There seemed to be some inconsistency in a few places. Murty hit the nail on the head when he mentioned the "let me go / don't let me go" lines. XD That didn't quite fit. And, in fact, I think that's a result of two different ideas in this song.

What I mean by that is this: I think you had some weird influx of ideas and, as a writer, the natural thing to do is want to write a piece with ALL THE IDEAS. XD So, you had this brilliant world set up for your first idea, then suddenly this story comes in about some hero swooping in to help out -- the second idea. It doesn't all quite fit together! So from a fiction writer's point-of-view (hi!), I'd suggest some more foreshadowing and from a poet's point-of-view (... don't laugh), make sure the beginning ties in with the end.

Another example of the inconsistency is the world sort of sets itself up rather simply in the beginning, then halfway through, it gives a lot of details all at once. It's sort of a quick transition into something completely different once the narrator requests someone to help them.

Then finally, I was actually a bit lost as to what the narrator wanted exactly. Did he/she want help flying? Or is the point to complain about? Or actually to learn to fly? It was a bit unclear.

So I'd probably suggest revisiting the message first, and then rewriting [parts of] the song to better incorporate what you're trying to get at. It might make a bit more sense in your piece, and then it'll be loads better with the already amazing imagery!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!