Young Writers Society

I wrote this song for a boy I know, long story, don't have time to tell it.
I'm a good singer and I wrote music to go with this too, and I'm planning on playing it for our school's talent show.
Mwa ha ha ha, revenge is sweet.
Anyway.
Please review.

I looked at you, I laughed with you
Made myself think you were looking too
I thought your eyes shone like crystal
But thanks to you, mine cast to the ground

All my friends tried to warn me, said to stop believing
I didn't listen, now I wish I did
After what she said, and what I tried
The empty room, with nowhere to hide

Now I almost wish you didn't receive
The unwanted attention of a girl like me

I gave you my heart and you tore it apart
With your long-hidden claws of no mercy
Say I'm over-reacting, you're underestimating
The heart that you've broken has more to say

I can't go on unknowing
Can't leave the room now that you're watching
Always playing games, just trying to test me
Leaving me out, didn't know if you loved me

And now I hope you're listening
To the unwanted love of a sad, sad song

I gave you my heart and you tore it apart
With your long-hidden claws of no mercy
Say I'm over-reacting, you're underestimating
The heart that you've broken couldn't stop crying

And now I'm back, and the world has gone dark
Your shifting eyes still crossing my heart
I know all your facts but I wanna erase 'em
A road down Magnolia and a heart full of ice

I'm gonna make your eyes really shine
With tears flowing down your face
And by the time we go to rest, I'm gonna make you regret
Everything you said

I gave you my heart and you tore it apart
With your long-hidden claws of no mercy
Say I'm over-reacting, you're underestimating
The heart that you've broken has her revenge.

*Note: The line "A road down Magnolia" may not make sense to you, but it makes perfect sense if you're me or him. Please don't criticize it, I know you don't get it.

I really liked this, I could here the music in my head (I write sheet music as well haha, I'm a pianist) and it was very lovely. I could picture something like this on the radio
The chorus flowed nicely, and was almost poetic,

ShadowLily wrote:I gave you my heart and you tore it apart
With your long-hidden claws of no mercy
Say I'm over-reacting, you're underestimating
The heart that you've broken has more to say

"Long-hidden claws of no mercy"
That metaphor was beautiful. Keep writing!

One major problem with this is that it doesn't have a consistent rhyme scheme. Maybe that's purposeful but it gets kind of annoying. At least to me. Labeling choruses, verses, bridges, would help. Also there seems to be no build in this song. It feels like you're just telling us. For a song that deals with personal feelings, it needs to feel like a story slowly unraveling and have strange allusions and metaphors that only you can truly understand but still hint meaning. In other words it needs a voice. You have "road to magnolia" but not much else in the essay sticks out. Having a more organized lyrical structure will help this alot. For example have verse 1 be about the good times then chorus be about how you're done playing games, or if you don't like that, go straight into verse 2 after the first one and talk about how the relationship went down and the inevitable break up. Try to allude to specific instances in the relationship that really stuck out. This makes the song more personal and not just another 'ughhh my boyfriend broke up with me' song. It also helps with really organizing your ideas and giving you a better presentation. Also:

All my friends tried to warn me, said to stop believing
I didn't listen, but I don't wish I did

yet later you say:

Now I almost wish you didn't receive
The unwanted attention of a girl like me

These phrases seem a little contradictory. Try changing the first one to:

All my friends tried to warn me, said to stop believing
I didn't listen, but I wish I did

Or:

All my friends tried to warn me, said to stop believing
I didn't listen, but I at the time I didn't care

I'm sure that more expresses what you really wanted to say.
Hope this helps

skwmusic is right, it didn't have much a rhyme scheme to it...personally I dont' care if it rhymes or not as long as the message gets through. It's strange what people nitpick about with poetry and song lyrics and such..oh well.

I sort of liked this, even though it was a bit cliche' and too predictable. To be honest reading the title I could tell what it was going to be about..then you wrote the little message before the song and well that made it even more predictable..lol. I know you're 14 and because I'm a few years older it makes me laugh when I read this...because to me it seems absurd for anyone so young to "give their hearts away." I also wonder if anyone so young can truly understand what true love is because majority of what they think is "true love" is just infatuation that quickly evaporates over time. Which sounds like that's what happened in this song..perhaps he had feelings of intense desire for you and then it all went away.

I could be wrong though

Hi Shadow Lily! I believe Broken is as dark as your name!

About Broken, I admire how you easily incorporated a song lyric with a title. It was...(emotional drum roll)...perfect (woosh)

Next is about the lyrics itself. I'm glad because all words that were use were of one theme: dark, but not so dark. You didn't put any too-emotional words which was good because, in my opinion, the lyrics were better of dreary somewhere.

Also, I like the overall structure of the verses. The only thing I want to say is that I would like it more if it had rhymes. If you can add that to your lyrics, but retain the same meaning and essence (which I love! ) I would proclaim you theGreat!

Keep writing good lyrics!
Al

This is a really good song, I love it, nothing else to say.