Young Writers Society

She sucks a dead man’s cock
While eyes are watching
Inside her heart has stopped
While eyes are watching

Her lower lip clings on
His orgasmic ooze shoots out
Already she is gone
Ooze is pus and smells like puke
Being pumped in her mouth
Her smile raped by doubts

~Chorus~
And I am turned on
And I am imprisoned
I hate what I see
But watch like a fucking zombie
I feel as dead too
My eyes watch a fucking death scene

Forced laughter she pains out
She spreads her legs wide apart
Rotting fingers use her
Eyes up; a wish to depart
His decaying dick in
Her flesh begins to rot
Her innocence caving within

~chorus~

Her smile is fake
Is her smile fake?
Her laughter is fake
Is her laughter fake?
She moans in pain
Does she moan in pain?
She feels the shame
Does she feel ashamed?

I have sight
Take it away….

Wow, now this is a really twisted, disgusting song. Jesus. But, at least you had the guts to post this. I wouldn't do it, so I respect you for that (I think?).

Anyway, here are the lines that I had trouble with.

In the first stanza, I am confused about whose eyes are watching. Is it the dead man's? Or the girl's? And if it is the girl's who /what is she watching?

"His orgasmic ooze shoots out" I think that you could come out with a better line than this. I'm guessing that the "orgasmic" description refers to the girl, but using ooze for semen doesn't strike me as a good synonym. It sounds childish.

"Ooze is pus and smells like puke" The thing with this line is that I can already guess that a dead man's semen is disgusting. Relating it to something as simple as pus and puke isn't satisfying. Also, not only is the description simple, but so is the structure. It is so straightforward that it seems unnecessary.

Also, why does the first chorus change to first person narrative while the second one goes back to third?

I don't understand why you mention her "innocence caving within" so near the end of the song either. In fact, I don't see how an innocent girl could have gotten into a situation like this in the first place. This girl is far from innocent, seeing how she is into necrophilia and how much pleasure she gets from it, so describing this as some type of loss-of-innocence scenario is illogical.

Anyway, all in all, this was a weird thing to read before going to bed.


-Adam