Young Writers Society

Life is becoming a struggle
Life is becoming a struggle
That flash on the screen
Draining you and me

Life is becoming a struggle
Life is becoming a struggle
Right here right now
Right here right now
Right here right now
Right here right now
Right here right now
Right here right now
Right here right now

Life is becoming a struggle
Draining you and me
Life is the ultimate edge
Everything I have known

Life is becoming a struggle
Life is becoming a struggle
Right here right now
Right here right now
Right here right now
Right here right now
Right here right now

So far away
All plots leave
And all the things sieve
Into a part of this

I want you to know this
Don't ever turn your eyes
To things so hypnotised
Don't ever turn your eyes
To get me so uptight
Don't ever turn your eyes

Don't ever turn your eyes
Turn your eyes
Turn your eyes
Turn your eyes
Turn your eyes
Turn your eyes
Turn your eyes
Turn your eyes

Hello there, AJ! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today!

I'm not sure how I feel about this one. It's quite repetitive at some parts, but some musical groups such as Snow Patrol are able to use repetition effectively in their songs. I guess it would depend on the music you put with this. By reading the lyrics, I'm really not able to guess what type of music this will be, so I can't gauge how it will sound.

I want you to know this
Don't ever turn your eyes
To things so hypnotised
Don't ever turn your eyes
To get me so uptight
Don't ever turn your eyes

This is my favorite part of the song, by far, mostly because it's the only part that isn't repeated over and over. I wish a little bit more of the song had been like this. Maybe you would consider replacing one or two of the repetitive parts with verses like the ones above? I feel like it would give the song more variety.

All in all, this isn't a terrible song. Reading it over again while reviewing it, I've actually discovered that I quite like it! Always keep writing!

-Rose

Adam! Lykwoah! Awesome song! It was really good!! I especially liked the repetition though I thought it was just a little too much the first time. I also liked the last stanza. It did have a slightly uneven rhythm but it was still really good. It flowed well and I just had one small change. Here:

And all the things sieve
Into a part of this

I want you to know this
Don't ever turn your eyes

"Into a part of this... I want you to know this." You don't need the "this" that you used the second time. It's fine if you just say, "I want you to know". Overall, I really like your song. Sorry if I wasn't much help.

~HPR~

Hi, AJ!

I can tell it's not your best work, but I can certainly tell what you were trying to do. The song itself tied in with the title just fine, so honestly, it's a fair start for something that could potentially be really good. That is, if you're willing to edit it up a bit!

The biggest concern I think you and I both see is that there isn't much meat to the song. There's a lot of repetition (as many others have said), but it's not used effectively. Usually three times is the magic number for repetition/parallelism. Anymore than that gets to the point of annoying or awkward, so think about that when using it in this song!

Besides that, I'd recommend telling us more about what's going on. There's obviously a story behind this -- the speaker is repenting to someone else -- and the listener wants to hear more. It's like reading a story! The reader wants to get to know the character -- become emotionally attached to them. Understand the situation. This song could definitely use that, and if you were willing to edit the song, all you'd have to do is work in details about the situation and grab some sympathy from the listener. (or is it empathy? osigh.)

You certainly had an idea when you wrote this though, and I wouldn't completely scrap it at all. If you were willing to sit down and look at it, fix it up a bit, and make it more lyrical, it could be another star hit from you.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!