Young Writers Society

All this expectation
All paths to my own cell
A pleasure that always shakes
The very core of my heart
You are too good for me
You don't deserve a mouse like me
I'm borderline anorexic
No flesh- just skin and bones

But I still love you anyway
I still think that you can cure me
Hearts that spill all over your face
Yet you could be the only one to cure me

And what a choice it is
To rain on people's parades
Almost by accident
Not to ruin your perfect life
I've blown my chance
You would have said no anyway
At least I could have tried
For I really needed to try

But I still love you anyway
I still think that you can cure me
Hearts that spill all over your face
Yet you could be the only one to cure me

I wrote this in a state of dreaming
Losing sleep over your words
How would you react to me asking you?
How would you react to me telling you the truth?

But I still love you anyway
I still think that you can cure me
Hearts that spill all over your face
Yet you could be the only one to cure me

I'm dreaming
Always dreaming
Just dreaming
Never stopped dreaming

Start dreaming
For me stop living
Start dreaming
Life isn't fun without dreaming

But I still love you anyway
I still think that you can cure me
Hearts that spill all over your face
Yet you could be the only one to cure me

But I still love you anyway
I still think that you can cure me
Hearts that spill all over your face
Yet you could be the only one to cure me

What is this song singling in on? I mean is it about love or like a guy just wants a girl? But anyway I definitely would show this to your band and I think they're gonna love it! Well, I'm a girl and I'm assuming your in a band with other guys but if not show it to the females in your group! You absolutely have something here




~ Neonwriter <3

I really like this song. I bet it would sound even better with music! Here are some suggestions:

But I still love you anyway
I still think that you can cure me
Hearts that spill all over your face --- I didn't understand this line at all.I'm not sure what you meant.
Yet you could be the only one to cure me

And what a choice it is ---What is the choice? To ruin her life or rain on someone's parade?
To rain on people's parades
Almost by accident (Loved this line)
Not to ruin your perfect life
I've blown my chance
You would have said no anyway
At least I could have tried
I really need to try --I think this makes more sense.

I connected so well with this stanza, it was kind of scary actually! I thought it was perfect.

I wrote this in a state of dreaming
Losing sleep over your words
How would you react to me asking you?
How would you react to me telling you the truth?

I think this is a pretty solid song. I agree: you should show this to your band.

Hi, AJ! Back for more. 8D I'm glad I'm hitting these. You were talking about them in chat, and I was interested in reading them. So yay! I have found them!

This is actually pretty good, I think. There are some awesome moments and, really, I don't have anything major to pick it. Anything I say are minor nitpicks that you can decide on your own whether or not to care about. But I do think what you have here is great. I'm not entirely sure how the song fits with the title? I don't feel like the speaker is filtering anything, just kind of... moping? Hoping. For the person to come back. But not really filtering.

But if I ignore the title, I think the piece is pretty good. There are definitely some good moments here!

All this expectation
All paths to my own cell
A pleasure that always shakes
The very core of my heart
You are too good for me
You don't deserve a mouse like me
I'm borderline anorexic
No flesh- just skin and bones

The bold line is contradictory, I think! Flesh is skin. xD Silly goose!

I think, actually, an overall concern would be grammar. Each line seems to be its own separate phrase, so when I listen to the song (or, you know, hear it audibly), I can't quite connect each thought appropriately. It's hard to explain. Basically, it sounds/feels very choppy because of it. It could be because there's no punctuation to help me as a reader, or it could be simply there wasn't much flow as the words were written. And honestly, I fall for that a lot. xD I forget that lyrics get full sentences too. So just look at that when you edit this a bit or read it again soon!

But I still love you anyway
I still think that you can cure me
Hearts that spill all over your face
Yet you could be the only one to cure me

I really love your refrain. The idea behind it really compliments the stanzas well! The bold line hurts my brain a bit. I can't quite grasp that metaphor. Maybe I'm just sleepy. :c

And what a choice it is
To rain on people's parades
Almost by accident
Not to ruin your perfect life
I've blown my chance
You would have said no anyway
At least I could have tried
For I really needed to try

This stanza actually lost me a lot. I've read it a thoroughly good five times and I'm still not quite sure what it's trying to say. >< I'm sorry. xD I can't tell if the person rained on parades or if the speaker rained on parades or who the victim is here. I feel like it swapped halfway through. It kinda twisted my brain up. It's probably just minor tweaking to clear that up though!

I wrote this in a state of dreaming
Losing sleep over your words
How would you react to me asking you?
How would you react to me telling you the truth?

For the bold part, I'm not sure what the speaker wants to ask. D: But I really do like the first two lines of this stanza, and the last line is very nice. Goes well with the previous stanza!

I'm dreaming
Always dreaming
Just dreaming
Never stopped dreaming

So, I like this. 8D

Start dreaming
For me stop living
Start dreaming
Life isn't fun without dreaming

This not so much. xD I think the bold lines contradict each other. I'm a bit confused. Stop living? even though you can only dream when you're alive? *flail* It can't be that the speaker is giving up on life due to no dreams because the rest of the song is saying to start dreaming! So contradiction, I think.

So I do think this is almost there. I really do! Just sit down and look at how the words flow together. The wording should still make sense. It's like talking to your audience with music. If we can't make sense of the words, the song itself doesn't make sense! And here, I was a little lost. BUT. I do think your narrative is there, and I think once you tweak it and wrap it all together, it'll turn out very nicely.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!