Young Writers Society

Wow !! Hai SparksOfDoubt I Really Do Love These Lyrics!! Your Amazing Describing And Emotions Are So Beautiful!!
I Think my Favourite Verse Is
"It's made out of the tears of the heartbroken,
The salty brine swirling up in a mist
towards the vast ocean we call the sky.
It makes it's way to an empty bowl,
and fills it up with milky color,
to shine and light the way for young lovers
to follow their doom."
I Love The Way You Add Mixed Emotions In And I Think I Could Really Sing Along To It xoxo
Well Done !!
Keep Up The Good Work xoxox
-SianC: xox

My first question upon seeing this piece was "Why is it entirely italicized?" I'm still left asking this after having finished the piece. As far as I can see, the italics don't add anything to the poem, and they're actually quite distracting, at least for me.

I liked your first stanza, particularly because of the commanding voice in it, but the rest of the poem is so passive in comparison. The images are all rather straightforward as well, so there's no real mystique or wonder inspired in the reader.

You have a decent base for your images, but right now, they feel under-developed and a bit bland. Elaborating and expanding upon them more would make things more interesting and easier to visualize.

Lastly, the flow wasn't always smooth. Taking the second stanza, for example:

It's made out of our dreams,
that hangs precariously in the sky,
from the hook of reality.

These two lines together don't make much sense. If you rewrite them as a regular sentence, you should be able to see why.

Also, poetry is generally punctuated the same as regular writing. Having a piece of punctuation at the end of every line is not necessarily correct, and in this case, it messes with the flow of ideas between these three lines.

Adding to the flow issue is how awkward some of the lines are to read aloud. "It's made out of our dreams" feels a bit too wordy, while "It's made from our dreams" feels a bit more natural and easier to say. Little things like this really add up to a lot in a poem, and right now, there's quite a few of these little things that keep tripping up the flow every so often.

The easiest way to catch bumps in the flow is to read your poem aloud, or have someone read it to you, taking note of where things sound weird and such.

Poetry is meant to be spoken as much as read, so if a poem doesn't sound right, it throws everything else about the poem off.

Hi, SparkleDoubt! 8D

So what you have here is extremely pretty! You have some gorgeous imagery, and it paints such a lovely picture. It's really just gorgeous! There were some really nice moments, and I only have a couple points to make that could actually give your beautiful pictures some potential depth.

When I read this, I got a lot of very pretty pictures, and that's really awesome. It really, really is! I'd love to hear this set to music! The only thing that concerns me is that I don't quite know how these images relate to the moon. I find myself falling for this a lot whether I write lyrics or poetry -- I tend to make things sound/look so pretty, I forget that there should be a point to what I'm saying. So with your song, just remember that the point is to discuss what the moon is made of and why it's all significant in creating the moon. You can use some of the moon's features to help compare with these different images. What is like a moon's many craters or is there something that revolves around something else like a moon revolves around the earth? That kind of thing. Just a suggestion! The point of the song was a bit lost, so it's something to look into.

And to further that point, the story says it's about to tell a story, but it's not really a story. It's more of a monologue or explanation! So maybe just have the speaker say they're going to talk about the moon rather than talk about the story of the moon. It's a bit more direct, and you don't have to worry about defining it. 8D

There were some grammar fluctuations to look at, but that's fairly easy to catch after you read through it. But like I said countless times before, these images are very pretty. Let's see if we can put some meaning behind them!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!