Young Writers Society

Oh foetus
Your fingers so delicate
You will never know your father

What is your agenda?
Born out of one mother's lie
And at your birth he will not show
At your birth he will not know

Dull and dead
Don't expect a fairy tale
An older brother I'll become

I already have a sibling
Who isn't linked by blood
And at your birth he will not show
At your birth he will not know

And the baby burns (he will not know)

I'll laugh
And do things for you
Only because you want me to

Your existence is fragile
No bravery within miles
And at your birth he will not show
At your birth he will not know

I really liked this, actually, until it got to the last stanza. The last two lines could pull it off, but it sounds like the first two are a forced attempt at rhyme. Perhaps you could find a better phrasing than what you have, with "fragile... miles"? I mean, you have no rhyme except for those two lines throughout the poem, and it seems a little odd to toss that in at the very end.

Other than that - considering your current situation, emotionally and such, this is an amazingly articulate poem. The word choice could be a little stronger, but I love the repetition. Another nitpick I might have is the seemingly out-of-place inclusion of the ending two lines at the end of the second stanza - what's that doing there, with no previous reference to a "he"? Yes, I get that you're trying to establish that for a later repetition, but it just seems a little odd to me.

As for the third stanza, the last line also seems a little out of place; I don't know what to do with it, though. Maybe you could look at it with a bit of a critical eye and see what you can do with it?

I think that's all I have to say, but hey. I like this.

Oh AJ, I really hope you find out who the father is and who knows? Maybe one day you'll grow to actually like this baby ;D .

Anyway, I really like how you are such an open poet (I have trouble writing about my 'troubles') and that your emotions spill out brilliantly. I especially love the repetition and what you've done with it. It really gives an enjoyable rhythmn and flow to your piece.

I don't really have a helpful review for you today but I hope my comment helps you emotionally.

Keep writing, man. ;D

Peace,

-Mikko.

*-*
Oooh, you almost made me cry!!
I just love the repetition of the lines:

567ajt wrote:And at your birth he will not show
At your birth he will not know

But... I don't know... I don't like the ending that much. It just doesn't fit...
I would love if you writed a little bit more. You know, explain the situation better.
Anyway, I love it!
I'm sorry I wasn't that helpful...

I was a bit dissapointed with this piece. I mean, if this was written by someone who was very young it wouldn't be such a problem. However, you're 15 and it just seems that you should act better when it comes to an unborn child. I get the emotional aspect of the song about the child, possibly, never meeting his/her father (whether that is a reference to your father abandoning your family or an incident where your mother slept with someone and doesn't remember who the guy was who knocked her up...it's hard to tell.) Anyway, it's hard for me to grasp the concept of a 15 year old whining about an unborn child. I don't know, perhaps I read the lyric wrong and didn't quite understand the underlying message.