Young Writers Society

I tried hard not to touch
I promised to myself
Her heart was not guarded
Couldn't redeem myself

Stabbed you deep in the back
To see your reaction
Your heart wasn't quite ready
For the satisfaction

And now you hide away from everyone
And leave me to be on my own
Don't you know I'm a sucker for temptation?

When I used to hear her
And digest her voice
I cried inside knowing
I had no other choice

And now you hide away from everyone
And leave me to be on my own
Don't you know I'm a sucker for temptation?

It was only one kiss
It transformed into love
I had to leave you behind
Yet you never give up

And now you hide away from everyone
And leave me to be on my own
Don't you know I'm a sucker for temptation?

Sucked up to temptation
Sucked up to temptation

Hey! *Puts on reviewing cape*
You heart wasn't quite ready

I think you forgot the "r" in your.
that's all I could find, really. Probably because my reviewing-ness got rusty...
Well, overall, it was a cool song:) I liked it a lot.
~LP

I am already your fan

I tried hard not to touch

Not to touch what?

I promised to myself

What was promised?

Her heart was not guarded

Not guarded against what/whom?

Couldn't redeem myself

From what?

Noticing a trend in the questions? The "what"s are all left dangling mid-air, and in some cases, mid-thought, which makes for a very fragmented start. Add to that the unevenness of the rhythm, and this first verse is extremely choppy.

This lack of flow in both ideas and rhythm is present throughout the entire piece, which really hurts it, especially since lyrics rely so heavily on flow to work.

In the first verse alone, you have rhyming lines that are uneven in length, a word that rhymes with itself (which is very amateurish, aside from being overly-repetitive), and no consistent pattern of stresses within lines. Having matching syllables is one thing, but having a consistent pattern of stresses is even more important, otherwise the singer winds up stressing syllables that just sound awkward to be stressed.

Pay more attention to the rhythm of the words, and also ensure that the lyrics make sense as a whole and aren't just left dangling mid-thought.

As it stands, I can't see this sounding anything but awkward when sung.