Young Writers Society

I'm posting all this stuff now, because after Nov. 1st, I won't be posting anything (theoretically). I'll basically be reviewing when I'm procrastinating from my NaNo.
Okay, but anyway, Do you want to see the amazingness that is this song? I am really proud anyway, it's called Forever young, and thankfully it's not scary or sad. It's about love! YEA. finally.I hate writing depressing stuff. Really get's me down. Enjoy, and as always, thanks for the reviews and likes you know how I forget!
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Verse 1:
I can’t see anything,
the beat flows through my lungs,
giving me new life.
I can’t hear anything,
the melody is quiet and mesmerizing,
Keeping the adventure alive.
The dreams aren’t so hard to reach,
when we’re floating in the sky.
Heaven keeps getting closer,
as we rise up from the ground,
keeping warm in each others arms.

Forever young

Chorus:
We don’t need anything
but the breath in our lungs
and the music in our body.

We’re not in danger,
we’re in ecstasy,
Forever young,
united under one.
The sights are blurred,
my eyes full of tears from the world’s problems,
and you’ve wiped them away,
Forever young.

Verse 2:
Forget what we were told,
that it’s impossible to stand on the moon.
Forget what they said,
and remember all that matters is the air in your lungs.
I don’t understand, why people don’t understand
Because I know and you know what the truth is,
the music is all that matters.

Forever Young.

CHORUS

Bridge:
We can do it all, all the time
never giving up,
keeping up with silent ecstasy.
We don’t need to talk,
we know what we’re saying
without speaking fickle words.
I don’t quite know,
what happened to make us sing such things.
But I do know, that your world is mine now.
Three words dance across your lips
a deadly curse about to bring me down.
Don’t say them.

Forever Young.

CHORUS

Verse 3:
Don’t keep the words up,
keep them to yourself.
Don’t ruin this night with simple whispers,
fluttering across my ears.
Keep that deadly curse to yourself.
Being free isn’t about being together.
It’s about letting ourselves be ourselves,
without letting each other go.

Forever Young
CHORUS

Ending:
All we need, are our eyes on each other.
Because that’s all we can see.
We’re forever young, never wavering.
Forever young.

Hiiiiiiiiii, SparkleDoubt! (No lie: I almost called you DramaLlama.)

SO. I love this! Maybe it's just me and my preference to happy songs, but this was very beautiful and had some remarkable moments. Those fluffy, d'aw moments. It's really cool!

So verse 1 had me a little curious as it talked about Heaven (and no where else in the song does it), and the floating up to Heaven seemed to imply they were deeead. XD That sounds really ridiculous now that I think about it. I think incorporating a paradise is fabulous, but I'd be careful with using the afterlife as a metaphor for it. xD It's probably just me though, and I'd wait to see if anyone else notices it.

In the chorus, I don't think it was needed to mention the world's problems. It turned your message into a more political one than the happy/love one you were hoping for!

Verse 2 was actually getting somewhere, but by the end, it... didn't quite make it! Like someone trying to answer the question, but they're dancing around the official "yes" or "no" by giving a lot of fluff to confuse you. There was only one metaphor (the moon), and I think more would've been amazing. Otherwise, I'd keep it a recurring theme. You don't want to sound random! And also, the air in the person's lungs probably isn't all that matters, if the song is all about being with someone. It was going in a direction that the song wasn't intended for! This also:

Because I know and you know what the truth is,
the music is all that matters.

It goes in another direction. I'm confused now as to what the song is saying! What's important again? Music? Breath? The significant other? xD

Now, I love your bridge. Especially how it ended:

Three words dance across your lips
a deadly curse about to bring me down.
Don’t say them.

I don't know if this was intentional. XD But I love how it worked out. One would assume the three words were "I love you," and then you end the bridge with "Don't say them." Just too cool. xD

Verse 3 got a bit preachy for my tastes. Lots of do's and don'ts and how to act. That was probably the biggest nitpick I had! I didn't really find it fit with the flow of the rest of the song.

I looove your ending. Except that it says that the most important thing is having their eyes on each other. Add that to the list!

This isn't your best work, but I still very much love where it's going. I think some tweaks here and there, finding the direction you want to take this, would help a lot. And it would shape up into something really wonderful and peaceful, honestly! Also, be sure to insert references to how being young ties in to this. Think young lovers and how innocent they are.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!