Young Writers Society

the love of an angel

1
notorious skater with his jeans too low
came across that perfect nerd
like a devil climbed into Heaven
made her world turn upside down


2
fuckin’ every other night
they say you’re fuckin’ with my heart
piercing nicotine down my throat
asphyxiating me with kisses


Chorus
Your grades are falling
your behaviour’s appalling
what are you turning into?
look what he’s done to you
(look what he’s done to you)
they can say whatever
I’ll stay with you forever
‘cause they hate it when we lay,
they hate it when I say
I love you
(I love you)


3
notorious skater with his jeans too low
wouldn’t want to hear the news
that he’s succeeded in one thing
a new human on the way

4
fuckin’ every other night
who didn’t see that one coming?
with my fucked up heart
I believe we’ll pull through


Chorus


Bridge
Help an angel get back up
her wings have been burnt
and she can’t fly home
help an angel get back up
and she’ll take you with her
you’ll form a home
and prove them wrong

Chorus


End
they hate it when we cry
our baby and I
still hoping you came back
and I wish I could say
that I’ll forget you someday
but I hate myself
because I love you.

Just to clarify, I take it the guy leaves? It's a little ambiguous at the end - we know someone left, but it's hard to tell whether it's the guy or the girl because originally you talked about both of them in the third person, then one of them - the girl, I believe - was being spoken to in second person, and then at the end one of them - I think the girl - is speaking in the first person. It's okay that you changed view points, and I can see how it adds to the song - because certain things are just better said from a different perspective - but you need to make it a little clearer who is speaking throughout the poem.

Also:

"that he’s succeed in one thing
a new human on the way"

The "he's succeed" is a problem, I think you meant "he's succeeded."

One more thing - I know you've already retitled this once, but I really think you need to retitle it again. The song was nothing like what I expected from the title - which is actually a good thing, because the title made me think this would be some sappy, cliched piece, which it absolutely was not. If you retitle this to reflect the content a little more - I know titles can be difficult, but I really think it would get more people to read this.

But I love the story line and the imagery, and like I said, I was pleasantly surprised to find that this was not what I thought it would be from the title.

~Blue

I actually enjoyed reading this and I think it's a wonderful piece of work. However, I didn't care too much about one of them being a skater..that was a bit annoying...sorry when I read that I just thought of that stupid Avril Lavinge song "Skater Boy"....so that's why I didn't like that one of them was a skater...who cares really? But this was a cool song

One suggestion though
This should actually receive an 18+ rating because the swearing that was used in a sexual way. If that makes sense.

MIKSTER.

So apparently, this is kind of bumping an older song, and hopefully you still have a desire to receive reviews on it. Honestly, I really loved this piece. Sooo yeah. Not much you'll get out of me anyway! You know you've stumped me when I have to pull a stanza-by-stanza review!

1
notorious skater with his jeans too low
came across that perfect nerd
like a devil climbed into Heaven
made her world turn upside down

This stanza got a bit awkward with the tense, seeing as it's the only stanza with past tense. I don't know if it's possible to mend that or not? It's definitely a huge leap from the first stanza to the second, so I wonder if there can be something to mend that to make the stanzas connect more. I'm sure there is, but I'll leave that to your creative license!

I really love your chorus. Just thought I'd say. Really, really love it.

Bridge
Help an angel get back up
her wings have been burnt
and she can’t fly home
help an angel get back up
and she’ll take you with her
you’ll form a home
and prove them wrong

I really like your bridge. It's a great lead-in for that tragic ending coming up. The bold couplet would be nice to expand on more to connect with the end. At this point, the bridge and the end have another huge gap to jump across, and a little more flow from one to the next would be nice. Basically, the bold part is an example of what can help lead into the end.

Those are minor suggestions though. Overall, I really liked this. Awesome job! You're such a wonderful lyricist. <3

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!