Young Writers Society

The setting sun

1

Another pump of expensive perfume,
another glance at the mirror.
That strand of hair won’t stay in place
and the minutes are ticking away.


2

A couple more drops of aftershave,
a couple more decisions to make.
Resisting the strong temptation
of swallowing a can of beer.


Chorus

And he pulls into her driveway
thinking of screaming out her name
so they’ll go riding into the setting sun.
She paces her room, heels in hand
Heart racing at millions per second.
His unsteady foot lands on the pedal -
heart racing at millions per second,
pulling out of the driveway,
into the setting sun.


3

Nauseating is the expensive perfume
lingering on the nails she bites
as she awaits her Prince,
late, by the reading on her watch.


4

Another empty can dropped in the back,
another tear clouds his eyes
as he speeds down the silent streets,
losing control of the steering wheel -


5

Losing control of his blooming life,
while she’s slowly losing her mind
as her love crashes in the setting sun -
orange sky, blood stained clothes.


Chorus


Bridge

Losing control of the steering wheel,
losing control of his blooming life
while she’s losing her mind, losing her mind
his body sleeps in the setting sun.


Chorus


End

And he pulls into her driveway
thinking of screaming out her name
so they’ll go riding into the setting sun.

Aww I don't know much about music lyrics, but as a story beautiful told and clear throughout, not at all over complicated like other lyrics Iv heard. Good job.

This is another very nice piece, Great job!

"She paces her room, heels in hand
Heart racing at millions per second.
His unsteady foot lands on the pedal"
- Classy stuff

Mikster! 8D Sorry for the slight delay. I was finishing a homework assignment!

SO. I read this. (no durh, sherlock.) At first, I was like "guuuh, this is going to be another fluffy love story song" BUT then I read to the end, and I was like "FFFFFFFF THIS IS AMAZING HOLY --"

So. I loved this.

I got a massive wave of goosebumps when I finished reading. The story in this song is fantastic, and I wish so hard that I could hear it with music. I can only imagine the possibilities you have with this musically! And also, I think hearing it with the music will aid in the bumpy flow that it has when reading it. Allow me to explain in a new paragraph after this marvelous transition sentence. 8D

Now, I love the format of your song. You have a verse about her, a verse about him, then the chorus. Rinse and repeat. I love this a lot. And I think, though there are some nitpicky spots that play with wording some of the phrases, the verses are really good the way they are. They successfully tell the story behind the chorus. Like.. after reading the chorus the first time, my brain said "wait, what?" and I had to keep reading, then it all made sense by the end. This is a very awesome thing, and you do this very well!

Losing control of his blooming life,
while she’s slowly losing her mind
as her love crashes in the setting sun -
orange sky, blood stained clothes blood-stained.

So you don't have to go through with this change at all. It's a style thing that I'm picking at, and it's completely your call. However, I felt the "clothes" just gave away the answer to the puzzle. If we kept it at "blood-stained," then "blood-stained" holds a double meaning for both the sky and the clothes. It's probably just me, though!

And he pulls into her driveway
thinking of screaming out her name
so they’ll go riding into the setting sun.
She paces her room, heels in hand
Heart racing at millions per second.
His unsteady foot lands on the pedal -
heart racing at millions per second,
pulling out of the driveway,
into the setting sun.

The bold part I wasn't really grasping well. I didn't understand why he would scream her name unless you were going for that desperate feel, which is what it felt like. xD It just seemed out of place though what with the soft, eerie picture you were painting with the dusk. The chorus was also the most guilty, in my opinion, of unflowiness (<== iRawk). The underlined part, I assume, gets sung in its own rhythmic pattern. Otherwise, it just feels odd with a seven-line chorus plus a glorious couplet at the end. (Seriously, I love that couplet.)

I don't have much else to pick at though. I really enjoyed this, and with minor tweaks, I think you'd have something quite wonderful! In a... morbid way. But yeah! Very well done!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I thought this was a well writting lovely song. I didn't quite understand what "Heels in her hand" meant..unless she was holding her shoes getting ready to put them on. I don't know, I just didn't quite grasp what that means.

Also, at the end where you wrote about him arriving at her house and wanting to scream her name and so on and so on. Um, I thought he died when the car crashed? So why was that placed at the end?

I was a bit confused by that and it seems so far I am the only one who is..lol.