Young Writers Society

I started writing this song with my awesome evull sister qaralynn! ^_^ We got on WFP and I found this beautiful picture (to get an idea) and started writing a poem, which then turned into a song. xD <333333



[Verse 1]
Stubbornly, holding to the gates of my own cage.
I fear being inside, but also what's out.
"The door is open," an angel says.
"Get out! Taste freedom while there's a way."

But my sight is blurred by these rusty bars.
All I can see is fog and my fragile hands,
clasping onto the view my heart got used to see.
I know my heart will crumble if I stay here.

[chorus]
I'm half way out, and regretting what I've done.
My courage is unseen, and my future unknown.
Confusion embraces me like freezing cold air,
for knowing the truth, my illusions were fake.

[Verse 2]
Tears of delusion crash on the floor,
and evaporate like gray dusky smoke.
"Give yourself a chance. Give yourself a break,"
a voice from above evanescently says.

I look at myself now, I see all that I am.
I know what I've seen, so I know what I do not want.
And I don't need it, I can go on my own.
I'm now flying with the wings I thought I had lost.

[chorus]
I was half way out, and regret what I've done.
My courage was unseen, and my future unknown.
Confusion embraced me like freezing cold air,
for knowing the truth, my illusions were fake.

[End]
But I'm already out, not regretting who I am.
My courage gave me freedom, and my future soon I'll meet.
Confusion is all gone, like evaporated tears.
I won't doubt, I won't cry, I won't fear,
now I know there's much more for me.

This is sooo beautiful! Kudos to a beautiful song. <3 Gorgeous.

I agree with isabellarivas43: SOOOOO pretty.

Here are some nitpicky things:

[Verse 1]
Stubbornly, holding to the gates of my own cage.
I fear being inside, but also what's out.
"The door is open," an angel says.
"Get out! Taste freedom while there's a way."

But my sight is blurred by these rusty bars. (I'd change blurred to blocked)
All I can see is fog and my fragile hands,
clasping onto the view my heart got used to see.
All I know my heart will crumble if I stay here. ((Take out all - Just : I know my heart will crumble if I stay here)

[chorus]
I'm half way out, and regret what I've done.
My courage is unseen, and my future unknown.
Confusion embraces me like freezing cold air,
for knowing the truth, my illusions were fake.

[Verse 2]
Tears of delusion crash on the floor,
and evaporate like gray dusky smoke.
"Give yourself a chance. Give yourself a break,"
a voice from above evanescently says.

I look at myself now, I see all that I am.
I know what I've seen, so I know what I do not want. (This line seems too long or wordy)
And I don't need it, I can go on my own.
I'm now flying with the wings I thought I had lost.(So beautiful!)

[chorus]
I was half way out, and regret what I've done.
My courage was unseen, and my future unknown.
Confusion embraced me like freezing cold air,
for knowing the truth, my illusions were fake.

[End]
But I'm already out, not regretting who I am.
My courage gave me freedom, and my future soon I'll meet.
Confusion is all gone, like evaporated tears.
I won't doubt, I won't cry, I won't fear,
now I know there's much more for me. (I just love this entire verse!)

I want to hear this on the radio one day!

EEEEEEEEP! My sisters! <3333 I love this song! All it needs is...

MUSIC.


I'm done.

MUSIC.

I honestly enjoyed the song. and that pic is divine. Like the best ever! good job. keep it up!

Solvy and Qara this was awesome! You've got to write more poetry together! Keep up the good work.

WOO!!! I got honors for my period!!! OO
..you gotta admit..that is one great period! >=D

loffle you sis XD <33333333333333333

SOLAR ECLIPSE. CARE BEAR.

Didn't think I'd leave a comment, didja? But PSH. I prove you wrong by leaving a comment right now. And also, that picture is beyond gorgeous. <3 This song is also very beautiful, and I can tell this started out as a poem due to how... poetic it reads. /fail. Anyhow, I wish I could hear this to music. The rhythm doesn't read as well right now, so hopefully putting it to music/voice makes up for that! But because it's so beautiful, I'm taking it stanza by stanza and giving every little thought bubble I got. Recall that I'm not a poetry person, and lyrics is in the same ocean.

[Verse 1]
Stubbornly, holding to the gates of my own cage.
I fear being inside, but also what's out.
"The door is open," an angel says.
"Get out! Taste freedom while there's a way."

A very nice opening, I think. The first line seemed to contradict the second -- if the speaker's indecisive, why is she stubborn? xD But that's probably a stupid thought. My main concern is the quote by the angel. It doesn't seem like something an angel would say. "Taste freedom while there's a way." Will there not be a way soon? It was weird to me. Not as comforting as I'd have guessed an angel would be -- more desperate and hurried.

But my sight is blurred by these rusty bars.
All I can see is fog and my fragile hands,
clasping onto the view my heart got used to see.
I know my heart will crumble if I stay here.

The grammar in the third line killed me lykwoah. "my heart got used to see" sounds like it was an attempt to fit in that line by chopping up the words, but I don't think that did it any justice. D: Still, I wanted to talk about the fourth line moreso anyway. How does the speaker know they will crumble in the cage but not outside? She spent the previous three lines talking about her concern for the outside now that her door's open. I'd like to get a feel for the trust she had with the angel or what convinced her to step outside her comfort zone like that.

I'm realizing that I'm reading this as a story, so hopefully, that's not a bad thing. xD

[chorus]
I'm half way out, and regretting what I've done.
My courage is unseen, and my future unknown.
Confusion embraces me like freezing cold air,
for knowing the truth, my illusions were fake.

I love your chorus actually! The last line confused me though. OR WAIT. Unless the fog and stuff in the previous stanza were the illusions. ooooooh. maybe. In which case, that's pretty fantastic. And arguably, this person has courage since she stepped outside the cage. But that's a character thing that I'll just go with. 8D

[Verse 2]
Tears of delusion crash on the floor,
and evaporate like gray dusky smoke.
"Give yourself a chance. Give yourself a break,"
a voice from above evanescently says.

I would love to hear a recording of this song if only to hear the singer sing a word like "evanescently". xD (Though from a reviewer's perspective, I'm not sure I like it's clunky-ness. Still want to hear though! xD)

I look at myself now, I see all that I am.
I know what I've seen, so I know what I do not want.
And I don't need it, I can go on my own.
I'm now flying with the wings I thought I had lost.

The third line confused me! What does she not need? I realize she doesn't want to be in the cage now, but I don't recall anywhere in the song in which she says she needed something. I'm probably being silly and missed it. (Also, I love this wings bit considering there were angels involved. Beautiful!)

[End]
But I'm already out, not regretting who I am.
My courage gave me freedom, and my future soon I'll meet.
Confusion is all gone, like evaporated tears.
I won't doubt, I won't cry, I won't fear,
now I know there's much more for me.

The second line's phrase "and my future soon I'll meet" sounds like it's forced as if you weren't sure how else to phrase that. I'd probably think about it more and edit it, but otherwise, the first three lines of this stanza is fantastic. I love how it counters the chorus. I'm even okay with the fourth line, but the last one seems out of place. The fourth and fifth don't really tie well together, I guess? I'd have loved it if you mentioned a reference to the chorus' last line. That would have been goosebump potential. Especially considering this is the last line the listener is going to hear!

But everything I said? Are very nitpicky. What you have already is very beautiful, and I hope to see more co-written works from you guys!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

This is just so beautiful and uplifting. Great job! The one line that got me and really touched me inside would have to be:

I look at myself now, I see all that I am.
I know what I've seen, so I know what I do not want.
And I don't need it, I can go on my own.
I'm now flying with the wings I thought I had lost.

The last line of the stanza was just beautiful. Great job! I kind of like to imagine these lyrics with the accompaniment of a piano.

PUTUPTHEMUSIC.

*pants*