Young Writers Society

Verse 1
When I close my eyes,
All I see is you
I can't take it away
When we kiss, and when we touch
Time stands still
This is where I wanna be
With you, with you
This is where I wanna be.




Verse 2
If I could press rewind
I'll go back to the place
When you held me in your arms
My heart skipped a bit
We were the only two people on earth
That was all that mattered
Cos what I wanted was you
Only you, only you
What I wanted was you




Verse 3
Help me understand what your saying
I can't seem to solve this puzzle
You say that you love me
But now your leaving
and you leave my heart grieving
The world can say what they like
All I wanna know is that you'll stay
Please stay, please stay
All I wanna know is that you'll stay




Verse 4
You gave me your heart
and I gave you mine
Though we try to deny
This love was meant to last
Please take me back
To that moment
And let it never end
Our love will last forever, forever, forever.



(Chorus till fade...)

Well, first, let me congratulate you on writing a song! I don't think I could ever do that.

I thought that there were really high points in your lyrics. The most memorable were Verses 3 and 4. Maybe because it is the hurt and shock she feels after being so in love.

I think there are some parts you could improve on:
The last two lines of the chorus ----- I felt that 'I'm so into you' sounds like something you same to your friends about the guy you love. If you want the world to know, you should use a stronger line. It sounds like the bubblegum pop on the radio and your song could be better than that.

Keep on writing! I'd love to hear the music to this one day!

Hi, Dol! (Okay, so I have this urge to call you Dolly?)

I actually like what you've got here. It tells the story very well, a sad one at that, and you use some effective metaphors to help the listener better understand your piece. It's put together pretty well!

I only have a couple points to make, and they're probably silly and needless. Still! Food for thought:

Chorus

Write me a story, I don't know how to start
Take me back to the time when I was with you
Let the world know this
I'm so into you, I'm so into you, I'm so into you

While I love your use of metaphors in your song, they don't really tie together very well to complete the picture the song is painting. There's time-stopping, puzzle-setting, and story-writing here. A few others I think as well, but anyhow. Point being, while they're excellent and used very well, they sort of seem like pieces of candy thrown into a box of raisins. While it's yummy, it's not a primary selection of food. xD

So with regards to your chorus specifically, I usually find that the chorus just sums up the piece easily. The title introduces the chorus and the chorus introduces the rest of the song. The story-writing metaphor didn't do much for me in that respect, and it sounded a bit more random than intended. I think it's a fantastic line though, and I hope you can make it work or at least use it somewhere else! It's brilliant. I just don't know if it fits here very well!

Besides that, my only other comment is the weird flux in tenses. We're present tense at one point then past tense in the next. Verse 1 for example:

Verse 1
When I close my eyes,
All I see is you
I can't take it away
When we kissed, and when we touched
Time stands still
This is where I wanna be
With you, with you
This is where I wanna be.

I think the bolded part is one sentence by itself, and the tenses don't match up. I know it's a grammar nitpick, and that's not usually the first thing to look at when reviewing lyrics, but good grammar can make your message so much clearer and cleaner. Something to look at in your piece, I think!

Otherwise, a very nice piece! Great job, and I hope to see more of your work.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!