Young Writers Society

this song is about a dying friend.I figured this might be a little disturbing to some, considering that it is a more mature theme, so I made it 12+ I so just discovered the more smilie's thing...XD

~
It's empty, but my feelings are true.
I can't help, but think of you.
I wish somehow we could reverse the time.
And I could tell you truly, how I felt.
Cause now, your eyes have fluttered.
Closing.
For the last time.

My eyes are searching for a way out,
my head is spinning, for a loophole.
I want the words to stop.
I don't need to know the truth.
It's not fair. Becuase I know,
you were so full of life.
You didn't deserve,
What fate handed you.
It may have come on a silver platter,
But those back home,
don't even matter.
Anymore.

The glass shards are peircing,
The blood is splattering.
My heart is crying.
Your face is covered in ghostly visions.
I can't grasp the memory,
The quiet day we felt,
That words hanging on our tongue,
Not saying.
Just dreaming.

My eyes are searching for a way out,
my head is spinning, for a loophole.
I want the words to stop.
I don't need to know the truth.
It's not fair. Becuase I know,
you were so full of life.
You didn't deserve,
What fate handed you.
It may have come on a silver platter,
But those back home,
don't even matter.
Anymore.

Don't close your eyes.
I see them fluttering.
You know I need you,
more than I need myself.
If you leave now,
fly away on glosamarr wings,
What will I do,
to deserve the wish from a shooting star?
Saving you, was my saving grace.
My grace.
Is you.

My eyes are searching for a way out,
my head is spinning, for a loophole.
I want the words to stop.
I don't need to know the truth.
It's not fair. Becuase I know,
you were so full of life.
You didn't deserve,
What fate handed you.
It may have come on a silver platter,
But those back home,
don't even matter.
Anymore.

Your eyes aren't seeing.
Your lungs not breathing,
Your last breath caught in your mouth.
It doesn't come out,
and I don't stop feeling as if I'm falling.
Falling.

They say in dreams, that when your dying,
you feel like you're falling.
Am I dying?
Or am I watching you?

My eyes are searching for a way out,
my head is spinning, for a loophole.
I want the words to stop.
I don't need to know the truth.
It's not fair. Becuase I know,
you were so full of life.
You didn't deserve,
What fate handed you.
It may have come on a silver platter,
But those back home,
don't even matter.
Anymore.

Don't leave me.
You're my saving grace,
or am I yours?
Saving grace.

Wow, this was really emotional. Then again that's exactly what I expected. The only thing I didn't think was necessary in this song was the repeated chorus. You simply could have written ~Chorus~ above the chorus when you first wrote it and then when the chorus is repeated you could have simply just put (chorus) instead of writing the whole chorus several times. It tends to make it look a lot longer. If there was music that came along with the lyric it wouldn't matter much, but since there isn't..it just makes it look longer. I hope what I said makes sense.

But you did a very good job

I like the way it begins but i think the ending needs work. Otherwise its great. Keep writing!

SPARKLEDOUBT. <333333333

Hai! :3 I love what you have here. The mood and tone are superb, and you have some brilliant, shining moments here. (As a very aside note, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. They'd have loved to read/hear this piece of yours. It's fantastic. <3) I, as the listener, can really feel the singer's emotions in this. They were really close to that person, and it's extremely sad to read/hear this.

From a literary standpoint, it was actually very good until about halfway through. Things started getting a bit funky, and I'll point them out here. Nothing major though! What you have is very wonderful.

Don't close your eyes.
I see them fluttering.
You know I need you,
more than I need myself.
If you leave now,
fly away on glosamarr wings,
What will I do,
to deserve the wish from a shooting star?
Saving you, was my saving grace.
My grace.
Is you.

This might be a personal preference, but I found this stanza to sound too desperate. The rest of the song (or at least before this part) was much more metaphorical and sad and... poetic, I guess? Then this stanza comes in, and I can almost see the singer sitting on their knees and yelling these words to the heavens.

Your eyes aren't seeing.
Your lungs not breathing,
Your last breath caught in your mouth.
It doesn't come out,
and I don't stop feeling as if I'm falling.
Falling.

They say in dreams, that when your dying,
you feel like you're falling.
Am I dying?
Or am I watching you?

These two stanzas, or what I'm assuming to be the bridge in actuality, didn't really seem to fit either. Actually, in the first stanza? We've got some awesome potential for powerful parallelism in the first three lines. I'd love to see that arranged. It would be incredibly effective. The last three lines though are a bit weird, and I'm not sure what to suggest for it. xD *fail* I think it's because the singer makes a complete 180 here. The first three lines are about the friend, the last three lines are about the singer.

But yeah, that second stanza continues that... selfish (for lack of a better word) turning point here, and I don't think I like it much. It continues that feeling of desperation, but I was really liking the sad and missing-you kind of feel to the song.

Don't leave me.
You're my saving grace,
or am I yours?
Saving grace.

So this has the potential of being an awesome, awesome ending to your piece. I would just love to see more reference to the title throughout the song. I know there was one other moment, in that first stanza I quoted, but if there was a way to reference "saving grace" whether through similar metaphors and things, it would probably end this song with such force, goosebumps would be popping like a thirteen-year-old's zits.

... I don't know where that metaphor came from.

But over all, this was a lovely piece! Very well done. <3

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!