Young Writers Society

dasiamari wrote:But I say
I get in there some day
Get back all my secrets
I said I'd take
to the grave

dasiamari wrote:Cause I know
When the doors
closed
There's usally an
Open window.

dasiamari wrote:And take down
all my secrets
You tacked up
To make me sad
to keep me out

Gather up all
all my thoughts
Floating in the wind
Small dots now

And take down
all my secrets
You tacked up
To make me sad
to keep me out

dasiamari wrote:A secret kept
A secret lost
Another entrance to
the room cut off.

But I say
I get in there some day I really don't think that this line makes sense grammatically, it would probably make more sense if you were to change "I" to "I'll"
Get back all my secrets It seems to me when I read this that you have lost the flow in this line. It could just be the way I'm imagining it being sung but it might not be. Anyways, I think that this line could easily be fixed by simply adding the word "to" at the beginning.
I said I'd take I also think you need to add the word "that" at the beginning of this line.
to the grave
___________
CHORAS Chorus
Cause I know
When the doors are I almost wonder if this might sound better: When all the doors are closed
closed
There's usually an
Open window.

Okay well first thing with this chorus is I think that you have to be more definitive. You start out by say you "KNOW" and then saying "USUALLY" I think you should take out the "usually" because you are almost contradicting the fact that you "know" something by say "usually."

Also, I know this is supposed to be figurative but I don't think it makes sense in a non-figurative way. It is up to you but I think instead of saying "there's usually an open window" you could say something along the lines of "you can always smash open the window" or "you can always open a window" or something. It really doesn't make that much of a difference it is just my rational mind getting in the way of things.

There is one final thing that I would like to mention about this chorus: It is extremely short. 6 lines is usually not enough for a chorus. If I were you I would try to add another stanza here, maybe putting this figurative analogy into the context of real life.
________________
A secret kept
a second chance
Then the door slams
I my eager face. These last two lines really do not flow with the rest of this stanza. Actually they seem to stop the flow all together. I would suggest playing with the wording of these a little bit. For example the word "eager" definitely is one of the words which messes up the flow and the word "then" also seems to be interrupting the flow.

But I say
I'll get in there some day
Get back all my secrets
I said I'd take
to my grave.As I said above.

X2 Choras

Gather up all
all my thoughts
Floating in the wind
Small dots now These last two lines also don't seem to make much sense. I really think it a grammar issue.

And take down
all my secrets
You tacked up
To make me sad I don't really think this line fits very well. I would either get rid of the word "sad" and replace it with something stronger or I would simply delete this line all together.
to keep me out

Well oh well
X1 Choras