Young Writers Society

I'll review another persons work tomorrow, I promise.

Last Journey Home

I’m brooding
My blood ruining,
Every page it runs onto.

The pain-tales are getting old
These bare, bloody hands
Have nothing left
to hold.

Can you stitch up my sins
And try to make me whole?
Come on girl, you’ve gotta leave
Before you know your home.

The world is insubstantial,
Spectral, and unknown.
There is nothing but our blood
Left to lead us on our last
journey home.

Wrapped in all the fallen leaves
And the gilded light of noon
We are empty hearted children
Longing to go home

Do you remember the long nights?
The ones we spent alone?
Our cold feet bled
Upon the ice and snow.

The journey of a million steps
Starts with the decision to go home.

The world is insubstantial,
Spectral, and unknown.
There is nothing but our blood
Left to lead us on our last
journey home.

The angels have been silenced
And to hell we all are bound
We are relentless to our visions
Let the holocausts hear us out.

Bite your lip,
Don’t make a sound.
The world ends tonight.

We are all in repose,
Dispossess the ones we owe.
Regret is vacant,
I’m the only one who knows

Can you stitch up my sins
And try to make me whole?
Come on girl, you’ve gotta leave
Before you know your home.

The world is insubstantial,
Spectral, and unknown.
There is nothing but our blood
Left to lead us
on our last journey home.
Our last journey home.

First off, I can definitely tell why you put this is Lyric Poetry. Its got very lovely repetition, which is nice, and I love the way in which you took some very dark images whilst making them wholly interesting and rather beautiful. Sometimes the author or poet gets too caught up in the thought that they forget about the poetry so it ends up becoming either too dark and empty of poetic device, or too childishly put forth.

Now, onto the critique.

You use some very interesting word choices. Ones in which I particularly like such as;

Can you stitch up my sins
And try to make me whole?

Now, this line brings a lot of though and emphasis into this poem whereas the mind initially wants to understand and figure out what you're try to get across, if anything other than pretty words. That being said, this needs to be followed up with something that will benefit it as a whole and it better be strong. You, though, follow it up with this;

Come on girl, you’ve gotta leave
Before you know your home.

Not only does this turn the poem in a completely different direction than the lines above it, but it also seems rather childish and simplistic as opposed to the top two that are rather profound. Catching the reader is important, but keeping them is even more so. So I would change this. I would try and connect your thoughts better so it doesn't seem so random.

That being said, as a whole, this poem seems to be pretty jumpy. It goes from one idea to the next and then you try and bring it all back with repetition. What I really want to say is what are you trying to prove or say with this? If its there, I could not tell nor see it, not that it isn't there. This could be faulty on my part but at the same time, you might want to be a little less subtle and a little more straight-forward. You'll get your point across better if you do.

I can definitely see this as a song, if that's what you were trying to get across with your repetition. This sounds like it would be rather nice with some soft, acoustic guitar, maybe, so the words are stronger as opposed to the music in itself. When writing poetic lyrics to any music, you want to make sure those lyrics are heard first and foremost. Anything heavy or over the top will take away from that.

Other than everything I stated above, I do like this. I like the way in which is flows. I like the size of the stanza's. I love the repetition. Pretty much, I like this. I just want to see you start connecting your ideas with a bit more relish.

~Walker

Hello there! First off, welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here as much as I do. If I can help you in any way, just let me know and I'll do my best!

Now, on to our poem. I absolutely adored it. I love the different words that you used and the way in which you used them. It was fluent and a very interesting read. Amazing.

Wrapped in all the fallen leaves
And the gilded light of noon
We are empty hearted children
Longing to go home

This was one of my favorite stanzas. I'm an artist, and this inspired me. The only criticism I have of it is that you might have wanted to add a period at the end of the last sentence. That's just nitpicking, though.

The journey of a million steps
Starts with the decision to go home.

I like the way that you took an old adage and turned it into something new and refreshing like this.

All in all, amazing work!!!

Keep writing!

Welcome to YWS!! Wow. The main thing you want a poem, or any story really, to do, is to move you and make you feel something. This piece definitely moved me. I'm not even sure how to describe what it makes me feel, it affected me kinda strongly. Good job, I like it.
Sorry I don't have any critiques.
-tgirly

Hello! Happy Review Day!

I like what you have here. It's definitely got that eerie feeling to it that you did very well with. You chose some good words to compliment that, I think. It worked pretty well!

My only pick at this (and forgive me 'cause I'm not that much of a poet) is that it was confusing. I'm not quite sure where this poem was going. I thiiink it was depicting some afterlifeness in it? But I can't be too sure.

Can you stitch up my sins
And try to make me whole?
Come on girl, you’ve gotta leave
Before you know your home.

The last two lines here? I'm at a loss as to where they were going. xD That could just be me, but it confused me. She has to leave some place before having any sort of idea what her home is. hmm. Leave the world, as depicted in the next verse? That might be it. /flail

In general, I'm not sure I understand where the blood plays into all of this. It just seems like a recurring pretty used in the piece. I don't see the point to the metaphor though or how it compares with the topic at hand.

The angels have been silenced
And to hell we all are bound
We are relentless to our visions
Let the holocausts hear us out.

I really, really liked this verse.

Aaaand last but not least, while the tone is appropriately eerie and very awesome, I feel the narrator is too vague. Maybe that's what's bugging me with it? I'm still not quite sure where the speaker is going with this, and usually by the end, you can tie it all up. I didn't get that sort of satisfaction, so that's something you can look into!

But I think this is going in a good direction. Just a few tweaks, and it'll be awesome!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!