Young Writers Society

What if I’m not listening...?
To the tears that spill from your eyes.
And what if I don’t care...?
Maybe I’m not all there
But do you see me standing here?!
After all these years.

Ash falls from the sky like rain!
I’ll keep standing; I’ll deal with the pain.
I watch as you fall again and again...
Sometimes I wonder what is your aim...

Blow it up just to rebuild it again,
I’ll try, watch me try, to not do this in vain
How could you say what you say, then act the way you do
Tears dry in my eyes, I hate loving you

I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
I'm feeling hurt and its all because of you.
So tell me please,
Tell me please don't leave.

'Cause every time I walk away,
It’s the same thing you say.
But then every time I turn my back,
I hear it different,
Your words wash away...

All these words you say,
Bearing down on me, but you never said don’t leave!
All the things you do,
Make me have to choose
Between this and you!

And it’s time we stopped and thought this through.
How could it be that I still love you?
‘Cause every time that we step forwards
You take us three steps backwards
And we fall again and again...

Yeah, every time I walk away,
It’s the same thing you say...
But then every time I think it through,
I hear it different,
Your words wash away...
It's your actions to blame.

Just between you and me, I don’t wanna leave, I don’t want you to leave
And just between you and me, I could never let go, but could you let go?
Although all that it seems, all that its doing to me, I know somehow I can be free

But I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
I'm feeling hurt but I'm still in love with you.
So tell me please,
Tell me please don't leave.

'Cause every time I walk away,
It’s the same thing you say...
But then every time I turn my back,
I hear it different,
Your words wash away...
Without a trace...

I hate my life so I try to change it in all the wrong ways
Giving you up again and again

Just wanna leave this place..

I really liked this! The feelings the person is feeling I felt them to. Actions do speak louder then words but then sometimes you need to hear things, sometimes the other person just has to make the big gesture and stop beating around the bush or playing with your feelings. After a while you get tired and sick of their games and then you end up walking away and that person ends up writing a poem about how they never knew what they had till it was gone. Anyway that's how I understood this I could be wrong but I liked it anyway. great write!

Hey, Bunnie!

I like what you have here, and it's an awesome start. Later on in the song, I started to like where it was going. At least, I could understand where it was going a lot better, so yay!

The one thing I didn't quite like about this song is that it didn't seem to have any pattern to it. That is, it felt like it was a rhyming angst blog. It didn't quite have that meat that I like to see in a poem. It's true songs don't need to follow the basic verse and chorus pattern, but there's usually some logical procession when tying together the point/message of the song with the pretty words and/or metaphor used with it.

Ash falls from the sky like rain!

I liked the second verse, especially because it had a nice line like this. It provided more imagery, something to relate to. The listener does want to hear the speaker's story, but it also wants to feel engaged with the story that's being told. Like a conversation, and I'm not sure I got that impression much.

And it’s time we stopped and thought this through.
How could it be that I still love you?
‘Cause every time that we step forwards
You take us three steps backwards
And we fall again and again...

I felt this was just being rephrased over and over, basically!

What if I’m not listening...?
To the tears that spill from your eyes.
And what if I don’t care...?
Maybe I’m not all there
But do you see me standing here?!
After all these years.

I know I just said the piece wasn't as engaging as it could be, but that all could be very affected by this first verse. There may be some bad punctuation that could have played with it, but I didn't quite see how this tied in with the point of the song. And that kind of confusion played once in a while with the piece. The structure was a bit awkward in the song.

HOWEVER. I have to say that I love your title for this. In my opinion, the title is incredibly important for a piece. I didn't quite understand how the title came into play at first, but after reading the whole piece, it made so much sense. I absolutely love it. Great job!

Your rhythm is also very good! I trust it goes perfectly well with the tune. It's was very easy to read, so awesome!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!