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Young Writers Society


College Life.



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58 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1414
Reviews: 58
Mon Sep 05, 2011 5:22 am
CardDragon says...



Somewhere in somewhere land lives a ponderous beach that I stumbled to cross on by.
I was so happy but I couldn’t yell or cry.
When the day was dying I saw an angel crying, she was sad to say a final goodbye to a fabulous day and a fabulous life.

Chorus-
When the day was dying, I saw an angel crying cause when the day is over and done, she would have to hitch a train ride and run to a new life, a college life!

Cause when the day ended she would have to start a new life, a college life!
I could only say you can’t stay in yesterday and it was probably time for her too move on.
She stared at me blankly as if I stood their nakedly. I stared at her life she was my wife and imagined taking her dress off with a knife.

Chorus-
When the day was dying, I saw an angel crying cause when the day is over and done, she would have to hitch a train ride and run to a new life, a college life!

Like as if we had all the time in the entire universe, we sat on the beach and watched a cloud man shoot his gun. Rather than hitch off into the concrete wilderness, we stayed and watched the velvet sun flee.
We watched as the stars fill the skies with glee.

Chorus-
When the day was dying, I saw an angel crying cause when the day is over and done, she would have to hitch a train ride and run to a new life, a college life!

Too bad we couldn’t spend entirety this way…
Last edited by CardDragon on Fri Sep 09, 2011 9:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.
[color=#FF0000]I AM SICK PHANTOM![/color]
  





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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1200
Reviews: 15
Mon Sep 05, 2011 8:46 am
IdEaBoNe says...



Hello CardDragon!
This lyric you wrote speaks alot about, us, people who are about to move onto college and leave all memorable things behind. I have two questions though:
When the day was dying, I say an angel crying
Shouldn't it be 'see'? And this:
watched a cloud man shot his gun
Shouldn't it be 'shoot'? Other than these, I found imagery pretty neat and the words, very heart-warming. Keep it up! :mrgreen:
This world is a dream,
Only the one who sleeps considers it real.
Then death comes like dawn,
And you wake up laughing at what you thought was your grief.
–Maulana Jalaluddin Rumi
  





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Points: 265
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Fri Sep 09, 2011 11:44 am
tamtam97 says...



That was nice......like really really really Really really really reaaaaalllyyy nice!
You did a good job with this one. But actually, it may be improved! It's really good, but it could be waaayy better.Try rewriting it again.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 668
Reviews: 131
Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:40 pm
DukeofWonderland says...



Somewhere in somewhere-land, the word seems weird at first read- maybe this’ll help lives a ponderous beach that I stumbled to cross on by.- the grammar and structure here is odd
I was so happy but I couldn’t yell or cry.
When the day was dying I saw an angel crying, she was sad to say a final goodbye to a fabulous day and a fabulous life.

Chorus-
When the day was dying, I saw an angel crying cause when the day is over and done, she would have to hitch a train ride and run to a new life, a college life! Omg, this sentence was so- well, it was very articulate, I’ll quote this If I get to be valedictorian:D

Like as if we had all the time in the entire universe, we sat on the beach and watched a cloud man shoot his gun.- I didn’t get this- who’s cloudman Rather than hitch off into the concrete wilderness, we stayed and watched the velvet sun flee.
We watched as the stars fill the skies with glee.This portion rhymed amazingly

Too bad we couldn’t spend entirety this way…Ah- regrets!! Well, maybe cause its lyrics the redundancy and change in POV and glitches in rhyming don matter but see to it that you check on that with others who hear it as a song. And if you wrote the sentences shorter it’d be easier to interpret, read and understand the flow. Hpe this helps
"The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it
regularly went cuckoo."
-- Terry Pratchett, "Wyrd Sisters"
  








All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe