Young Writers Society

So i went really unconventional with my structure- is this ok????...



Why do you feel the need to tear me up
Into pieces so small
Little parts of me i'll never get back
Lies, that glossed over it all

Do you notice how it pains me
Under my happy facade
Nothing can get the toxin out
Nothing makes it less hard

Understanding, all I wanted

Race to ending, haunted

Amend, mend it please

Disgust with myself how could you
Induce such a fit of lost identity
Cuts that soil try to hurt me
Karma will pay for my fragility

I am left as nothing

Lost I sang to you but, I was never found
Ownership of friendship not taken
Verisimilitude was all I got, feelings not mutual
Endings that formed beginnings to be shaken
Dead promises that never left the ground



I am left as nothing

Make it better for me please
I no longer have the strength
Soaring in the trees you are
Sliding down I am to great lengths

Understanding, all I wanted

Tempting but i'm terrified of
Another one way chat
Let me at least warn you
Karma comes back

Trying to build the future with our past
ongoing crashes, coming fast

Mixed emotions that never seem to settle
Every time your there I take a big breath
Everytime I feel like nothings left
Everytime I am the victim of theft
Everytimeyour here, I fall into the depths
!

Make it better for me please
I no longer have the strength
Something needs to stop me
Sliding down at great lengths

Understanding all I wanted

Why did you have to tear me up
into pieces so small
little parts I wont get back
little is big afterall

I really enjoyed the song; it's really beautiful.
I love the single lines dotted about it really mixes it up. You need to move the exclamation mark onto the same line. That really all that was wrong with it.
It's a really great piece you should be proud.

Why do you feel the need to tear me up
Into pieces so small
Little parts of me i'll never get back
Lies, that glossed over it all

Now, after reading the entire poem, I realized that in the first stanza, you weren't as complex as the rest of the poem. It seemed that after this stanza, it continued to rise in complexity with your use of words and your choice of description. Everything was fine, until I read the third line in this stanza. I would think that with everything else complex with its words, that this stanza would be the same. "Little parts of me i'll never get back". For my critique, I'd say to capitalize the "I" in "I'll". Also, I think that by rephrasing that line, it'll match up with the amount of complexity that the rest of this poem has. It seems a little off from everything else, at least, that's what I think.

Lost I sang to you but, I was never found

Your choice of how you would write this line was perfect. I can't help but just acknowledge this line so much. The only problem is the grammar. The comma should be after the word, "but". But then again, if it was for some particular purpose, then please correct me lol

Lost I sang to you but, I was never found
Ownership of friendship not taken
Verisimilitude was all I got, feelings not mutual
Endings that formed beginnings to be shaken
Dead promises that never left the ground

PERSONIFICATION RULES! lol I LOVED this stanza. Especially the last two lines. "Endings that formed beginnings to be shaken". It just brought shivers down my back and I don't even know why! This line is so true which is why I love it! I love poems with truth. "Dead promises that never left the ground". This was an excellent choice of words for this line. This stanza just had me heart stung, but in a good way lol

Other than what I mentioned, I think it was a beautiful poem and to keep up with your work.