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Young Writers Society


Loss of Self



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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 950
Reviews: 15
Thu Sep 01, 2011 8:30 pm
unknownlover347 says...



Verse 1:
These walls around me are slowly falling
I feel the ground beneath me shake..
This house once had a strong foundation
But now it's cracked with fear and hate..

All possesions lost its texture
All the broken are all that remains...
What once was a safe sanctuary
Was invaded by visits of shame...

Chorus:
Wanting and needing closure
Wanting the gift of time
To rewind all this terror
And take back what once was mine

Everyday is dark and gloomy
Under the skies of endless rain
Rain not of life, but sorrow
Sorrow that cannot be restrained

I need life!
I need something to get through the day
I crave light!
To see through these walls of decay

Verse 2:
I feel my body slowly shiver
As I lay upon the cold floor...
My arms and hands start to quiver
Wanting the warmth that is no more

Where is the heart that once survived?
Through every wave and every storm...
Where is the love that I once had?
That would keep me from this harm

Chorus:
All I ask is a sign
That everything had a meaning
Or was it all just cliche?
Everything within me is screaming

I once had reassurance
That everything will be just fine
But if you see me crying
In this house, you will realize

That I need life!
Something to get me through the day
I need crave light!
To get through the walls in the way

Bridge:
I need truth!
I need time!
I need the lost
Belongings of mine!
I need heart!
I need mind
I need the fire
That once blazed inside!
I need hope!
I need faith!
I need to
Get out of this place!

I!
Need!
Life!

I need life! (I need truth! I need time!)
I need something to get me through the day (I need the lost belongings of mine!)
I crave light! (I need heart! I need mind!)
To see through these walls of decay (I need the fire that once blazed inside!)

I need life! (I need hope! I need faith!)
Something to get me through the day (I need to get out of this place!)
I crave light!
To get through the walls in the way!

I need to escape!
311!3
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 897
Reviews: 9
Thu Sep 01, 2011 8:40 pm
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qtpie212 says...



Overall, love it!!!! There are just a few lines below that I think would do well with the corrections.

All the broken are all that remains...


Maybe you can change it to "Only the broken will remain" because the word "all" twice in the same line is very confusing to the reader/listener (since its a song xD)


Rain not of life, but sorrow


Rain not of life, but OF sorrow

What type of song do you want this to be? I see the exclamation points and automatically think "that's a screaming part". I am very into music and write some songs myself so I like to envision lyrics with a certain genre just to know the feel of the song. I think these lyrics would do well for a hard rock/metalcore song because of the dark lyrics and feel it gives.
  





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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 950
Reviews: 15
Thu Sep 01, 2011 8:46 pm
unknownlover347 says...



Thankyou for the feedback. The "of" mistake was a typo that I forgot to fix. Lol. Thankyou for pointing it out to me. And I will change the lyrics to those suggested words for that line you pointed out. Thankyou again for your constructive criticism.
311!3
  





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Reviews: 102
Thu Sep 01, 2011 10:13 pm
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LiesOnLies says...



I really enjoyed reading this because it's the kind of stuff that I write. I, like the person before said, thought that this was a bit off

All the broken are all that remains...


I wouldn't recommend puting "only" in place of "All" at the beginning because it will throw off the count. What I mean by that is...if you were to put this to music each word would represent a musical note. Right now there would be 9 notes in how it is written right now. If you put "only" as a replacement for "all" it will come up to 10. So instead of "only" you might want to put either "and" or "for"

Rain not of life, but sorrow


I think it's just fine the way it is written. Someone before me said that you should put "Rain not of life, but OF sorrow" It's correct either way in my opinion. However I think you might need a comma after "Rain".
  





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Thu Sep 01, 2011 10:30 pm
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williegonnawonkya says...



Wow this was really well written. I was really caputured by the title mostly. Keep writing.
  





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Points: 5107
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Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:25 am
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NaRachel says...



Hi :) I agree with the other reviewers. I thought it was great! Completely captured all my emotions and put them into words. I really loved your second verse, it was the most original part of the song along with the second chorus- I love that your choruses were different! Just be careful of becoming to cloche with the restbof the song- but I think you pulled it off. One complaint- you rhymed storm with ( I think it was harm?) Which didn't quite work. But well done, this a great, emotional piece that I can really relate to! :) - rachel
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 5107
Reviews: 100
Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:29 am
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NaRachel says...



I meant "cliche " damn autocorrect :)
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"
  





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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 950
Reviews: 15
Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:30 am
unknownlover347 says...



Yeah.... Lmao xD I know. It was a bad choice of rhyming. I was singing it one day and I thought that it would work depending on how you pronounce the word in the song. But when I wrote it on paper and looked at it, I thought that it was a weird way to try and rhyme words. I thought I could pull it off, but I couldn't. Lol. Thankyou for pointing that out to me so I know to fix it for future reference. :D
311!3
  








Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux (One must imagine Sisyphus happy).
— Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus