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Gender: Female
Points: 5107
Reviews: 100
Thu Sep 01, 2011 11:43 am
NaRachel says...



Come clean
to who you are
Come clean
To all your scars
Wash clean
The tattoos on your heart
Wring them out to dry
Peg them up with a lie
and let it drip out
Until there's nothing left

Hollow and empty
Well it feels like a void
But it's a great place, really
When there's nothing to enjoy
And your forced to rebuild
and replace the parts you lost
Just patch it all up
With a little red cross.

Be free
Of strict demand
Be free
Of all your plans
That only lead you to dreams that lead you back to where it began

Be free of all the lies
That left you there to die

(You put a padlock on the door to make it hard to get in
But you crashed through the roof screaming "This is not what i planned"
You got in
from within)

Come to the place
Where it feels like a void
Its a great place to hang out
When you've got something to avoid
Where dreams are for losers
And hope is devoid
We smash the picture frames we ate off coz they made us full with joy
Hollow and empty
Your stuck in the void
But it's a great place really
When you've got nothing to enjoy
We'll take you past the kitchen
On your way outside to lost
And patch you up
With a little red cross
Last edited by NaRachel on Fri Sep 02, 2011 7:21 am, edited 2 times in total.
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"
  





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1417 Reviews

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Gender: Female
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
Thu Sep 01, 2011 11:59 am
Noelle says...



Hi there! (again)

I really like the beginning of this, you've got a good thing going. I like the way you wrote it, it seems like a poem. Your rhyming is good even though you don't rhyme through the whole thing. Actually, I think you basically have a couple close rhyming words which is totally okay. I like how you repeated the words 'come clean' in the beginning. It gives it a good feel and makes it catchy.

I can't wait to see the rest of this. Keep writing!
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

* * *

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

YWS is life
  





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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 997
Reviews: 15
Thu Sep 01, 2011 2:47 pm
Euhuman says...



It was not death, for I stood up,
And all the dead lie down.
It was not night, for all the bells
Put out their tongues for noon.

It was not frost, for on my flesh
I felt siroccos crawl,
Nor fire, for just my marble feet
Could keep a chancel cool.

And yet it tasted like them all,
The figures I have seen
Set orderly for burial
Reminded me of mine,

As if my life were shaven
And fitted to a frame
And could not breathe without a key,
And 'twas like midnight, some,

When everything that ticked has stopped
And space stares all around,
Or grisly frosts, first autumn morns,
Repeal the beating ground;

But most like chaos, stopless, cool,
Without a chance, or spar,
Or even a report of land
To justify despair.

By Emily Dickinson. I couldn't say more
Awesome read. Second stanza was the strongest
A Purple Daffodil
http://r2square.wordpress.com

“Never take a person's dignity: it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you.”

My DNA is unchallengeable,
Well.. so is yours
Bazinga !
  





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102 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 1260
Reviews: 102
Thu Sep 01, 2011 6:00 pm
LiesOnLies says...



This was very well written...I like it a lot.There were a few things that I was confused about, but that's okay because lyrics don't always have to makes sense the first time you read or hear it. That gives the reader or listener an opportunity to read or listen to it again.

I noticed one tiny mistake in this sentence:
"We'll tak you past the kitchen"

You forgot the "e" in "take"
  





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99 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4893
Reviews: 99
Tue Sep 06, 2011 9:01 pm
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babymagic18 says...



I'm usually not into these tyoe of writing but I thought I would give it a chance just once more. I'm happy to say i'm glad I did or never would have come across this very good piece of writing. The way you made the words flow you make this look so easy. This sort of writing really was ment for you keep it up I think you have the ability to really take it somewhere.
  








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