Young Writers Society

She's so lonely
She's so lonely

Away from home and away from a life that mattered
She tries so desperately to connect to those who speak her language
All the attention and all the love's blood has splattered
and she's trying to move on,
but I won't relent, in me there's courage
(I'm so sorry)

In my life you were not a quick phase
You were someone precious and real
And that is something I can't erase
Although, you don't feel as I feel
You are someone I cannot replace
No, I cannot replace
Us, I cannot erase

I'm the worm and you're the apple that I've crawled inside
In time, I've eaten my way through your love, right down to your bitter core
Which increased decomposition, slow effort applied
And you were so eaten out
that I became the one that you abhor
(I'm so sorry)

She's so lonely
She's, now lonely

In my life you were not a quick phase
You were someone precious and real
And that is something I can't erase
Although, you don't feel as I feel
You are someone I cannot replace
No, I cannot replace
Us, I cannot erase

(I'm so sorry)
I will try to bring you back from the heart slapping pain
I don't know how to and that, in effect, makes you slip further away
It's hard not to give up when my efforts are in vain
How much time is enough now?
Frankly, I don't think it's in you to say

Us, I cannot erase
You, I cannot replace
You are someone I cannot replace
Although, you don't feel as I feel
Our love is something I can't erase
It was something precious and real
All in all our love wasn't a phase

...to me

(I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry)

This made me want to cry and I don't cry easy so Well done. There was something really touching about the "I'm sorry's" - there's someone who I wish I could say sorry to and that i never will be able to (anyone who's read my most recent self-pity romance short stories would know that). This one's really sweet and beautiful as opposed to the wittiness of the others. Well done :'/ - i loved the apple references by the way, they were clever! Also i loved the lines

No, I cannot replace
Us, I cannot erase

They really get across this numb shocked feeling of loss with the way they are structured. It really addressed the problem of feeling like you're nothing after someone leaves you which i love!

This is an amazing poem that I really connected to & I know other's will be able to as well.

In my life you were not a quick phase
You were someone precious and real
And that is something I can't erase
Although, you don't feel as I feel
You are someone I cannot replace
No, I cannot replace
Us, I cannot erase

This is the core of the poem and it is very well phrased!
All in all...awesome job

However, I would re-work this line. It confused me for a sec, because of the way it was structured.

I don't know how to and that, in effect, makes you slip further away

Happy Writing!

Re: Heart Slap

New postby Rock n' Roll Queen on Wed Aug 31, 2011 6:08 pm
This is an amazing poem that I really connected to & I know other's will be able to as well.

In my life you were not a quick phase
You were someone precious and real
And that is something I can't erase
Although, you don't feel as I feel
You are someone I cannot replace
No, I cannot replace
Us, I cannot erase



This is the core of the poem and it is very well phrased!
All in all...awesome job

You're correct