Young Writers Society

Starting a war

Verse 1
Oh I can feel it,
It’s heavy in the atmosphere
Yeah I can see it-
That moment is coming
We better start running

Verse 2
I sit and watch you
From across the room,
As you analyze my every move
What are we doing? Why?
Looks like the end is nigh

Chorus
You take a step
You’ve crossed the line
I won’t take it
This land is mine
Call the army, the cavalry,
Call the air force, the navy
You take a step
You’ve crossed the line
I won’t take it,
This land is mine
A war is coming your way
I swear you’re gonna pay

Verse 3
No I won’t surrender,
I won’t wave the flag
'Cause when that missile came
And bombed my heart
You didn’t see you were tearing me apart

Chorus

Verse 4
Eventually, you approach
What’s war without a risk?
Once again, you’ve conquered me
We make up, we kiss
Our peace treaty it is

Chorus

Call the army, the cavalry,
Call the air force, the navy...


~End~

I really like this a lot! It's always difficult with songs because of the reader's lack of music, because often times, the music can- actually, all the time- the music can make or break your song! Ok, so the first verse:

Oh I can feel it,
It’s heavy in the atmosphere
Yeah I can see it-
That moment is coming
We better start running

I kind of love this verse... it's simple to understand without thinking too hard about it(some songs go too deep and confuse the listener, and the whole song they're trying to figure it out!), but at the same time, it has this deep air about it. Especially the last two lines, I really really like. I think this and the 2nd verse are definitely my favorites.

I sit and watch you
From across the room,
As you analyze my every move
What are we doing? Why?
Looks like the end is nigh

Like I said, my other favorite. I love the first part of this the most, the first three lines, contrary to the 1st verse. Although, like in the first, the whole verse is just awesome! I'm not sure why, but I really like the word "nigh" in a song.

I loved the chorus, and every part except a short bit was fabulous. The word choice is the chorus is great, and although I love the part I'm about to name, something about it doesn't sit right with me.

Call the army, the cavalry,
Call the air force, the navy

But, it does depend heavily on the music, as this could very well flow perfectly once you add in a sprinkle of electric guitar and keyboards!

No I won’t surrender,
I won’t wave the flag
'Cause when that missile came
And bombed my heart
You didn’t see you were tearing me apart

Not my favorite verse, but still great! I really really like the "bombed my heart" part, because of the relation to war and love. However, the rhyme with apart seems a little forced. Except it still depends on the music.

Eventually, you approach
What’s war without a risk?
Once again, you’ve conquered me
We make up, we kiss
Our peace treaty it is

I lovee this verse because it's got this sweetness about it in the midst of bombs and armies, you have this really sweet verse at the end, and a great way to end the song the same way you end the war-a peace treaty! Very clever and well written too!

Excellent job, keep on writing!!!

Wow, great song (it is a song, right? is it meant to be tuned?)
I can almost hear the music in my head.
the chorus is greatly rhytemed, if you are about to play it, please record it and send it to me by E-mail =)
Exellent song, you've got it

I really like it

Hey Mikko, hope this helps, your lyrics are always wonderful.

Mikko wrote:Starting a war

Verse 1
Oh I can feel it,
It’s heavy in the atmosphere
Yeah I can see it-
That moment is coming
We better start running

Chorus
You take a step
You’ve crossed the line
I won’t take it
This land is mine
Call the army, the cavalry,
Call the air force, the navy
You take a step
You’ve crossed the line
I won’t take it,
This land is mine
A war is coming your way
I swear you’re gonna pay

Verse 3
No I won’t surrender,
I won’t wave the flag
'Cause when that missile came
And bombed my heart(This is the only part you really break the metaphor and talk about your heart, I'm not sure if this is deliberate because you wanted it to be clear the entire piece is figurative - we do know, bytheway - but I think you should remove it.
You didn’t see you were tearing me apart

Chorus

Verse 4
Eventually, you approach
What’s war without a risk?
Once again, you’ve conquered me
We make up, we kiss
Our peace treaty it is

Chorus

Call the army, the cavalry,
Call the air force, the navy...


~End~

This was rather lovely. Well unless it was literal? but I'm quite certain it was figurative

I would like to hear this over a track, and would prefer to reserve judgement until then, but for now I will say the parts highlighted red are perhaps a little awkward or misplaced. I think sometimes you stretch the metaphor too far as well. I will also say that reviewing lyrics is tough, because as I have said in the past, you can't judge a song until you hear it performed, any great song reads strangely when unaccompanied by music. Anyway hope this helps a little.

JP.

These are good lyrics. At first, I thought you were talking about a literal war. But then I saw were you were going, and i this song reminds me of Mayer's "War of my life" song. Both come from that endless supply of art in relationship situations, and its a cool mood to write with. keep writing!