Young Writers Society

(Feel free to make suggestions about the lyrics--like wording--especially the chorus. The last line of the chorus is bad, but I couldn't figure out what else to do that rhymes with feel.)



I’ve had something to say for a while now.
I am just trying to figure out how.
It is right there on the edge of my tongue.
But I can’t seem to find the words at all.
So we’re now

(Chorus)
Trapped and mute and deaf to each other.
Why is it so hard just to say what we feel?
We are lost and alone and we shouldn’t be.
What we call love is not real.

So here it goes. I’ll tell you what I need.
But it won’t make a difference to me.
You don’t want to know; you just want to stand there.
And I can’t breathe with all this tense air.
So we’re still

(Chorus)

I’m gonna take some time.
Try to clear my mind.
And maybe you can find
Something in the meantime
So we’re not

Trapped and mute and deaf to each other.
But you’ll never learn to just say what you feel.
We’ll be lost and alone and I don’t want to be.
I don’t want love when the love is not real.

Great! These lyrics really relate to me because there are times when I have things to say, but I can't figure out how to. I loved it.

OK. I can already form a melody to this lyric. It's very well written and I know it'll even sound better in a song. Kudos

Nice. If you make this into a music video, you'll have to post the link. I enjoyed the chorus. It seems to explain what every one feels, yet what is difficult to explain. Will it be slightly longer than what is posted up here? If so, try to avoid repeating too often, unless it's the chorus. That's all I have to say. BEST OF LUCK!

Hi! Lyrics, yum yum. Okay so you could do with a few more verses in there as this is really short right now, but let's see if I can give some suggestions for what you have so far!

I’ve had something to say for a while now.
I am just trying to figure out how. <<< Very easy, beautiful flow for these first two lines. Excellent opening!
It is right there on the edge of my tongue.
But I can’t seem to find the words at all.
So we’re now <<<The second half doesn't flow quite so well. I think it's because we expect that fourth line to rhyme with the first and the second and then the fifth makes a lame attempt to make up for it by repeating one of the already rhymed words. Maybe try,

But I can't find the words and you'll have to allow
oh, we're

(Chorus)
Trapped and mute and deaf to each other.
Why is it so hard just to say what we feel?
We are lost and alone and we shouldn’t be.
What we call love is not real. <<< I like the chorus. Like you I'm not sure about the last line but don't have any suggestions I'm afraid. But it's a working chorus so no worries!

So here it goes. I’ll tell you what I need.
But it won’t make a difference to me. <<< the me is a bit jarring. Maybe '...to the world' instead. A slight change in meaning but it would flow better.]
You don’t want to know; you just want to stand there.
And I can’t breathe with all this tense air. <<< Sounds like it's missing a beat or two! But easily remedied. Try 'tension in the air' instead of 'tense air'.
So we’re still

(Chorus)

I’m gonna take some time.
Try to clear my mind.
And maybe you can find
Something in the meantime
So we’re not

Trapped and mute and deaf to each other.
But you’ll never learn to just say what you feel.
We’ll be lost and alone and I don’t want to be.
I don’t want love when the love is not real.

No comments for the end, it's pretty smooth but I do think you could use another verse before those last two stanzas. In general though, it's a good song. There's rhythm, the chorus is easy enough to follow and the tune is pretty strong. Well, thanks for the read and good luck!

Heather xxx

Well I don't know how anyone can call the posts above critiques, they not the least bit helpful. Anyways I'll do my best to help with your song. Remember everything I say is constructive so don't be angry if I am a bit harsh.

nutmegan595 wrote:(Feel free to make suggestions about the lyrics--like wording--especially the chorus. The last line of the chorus is bad, but I couldn't figure out what else to do that rhymes with feel.)


To start off I would like to point out that this song is extremely short and probably would only last from 1 minute to 1 minute and 30 seconds, depending on the amount of instrumentals that you would include. Furthermore, I would like to point out that it is also very cliche. Many of the ideas used in this poem are expressed in so many other songs that the repetition of the theme is obvious. I will point out anything cliche as I critique.

I’ve had something to say for a while now.
I am just trying to figure out how. Speaking of cliches, these opening lines are extremely cliche and I have seen them or lines like them in not only other lyricists writings but my own. I would suggest revising these lines in attempt to express your song as an individual piece.
It is right there on the edge of my tongue. A common phrase but not necessarily cliche.
But I can’t seem to find the words at all. I think it creates a better flow if you remove those last two words.
So we’re now I personally think this would sound better if you were to switch "we're" and "now" so that it reads: "So now we're." Also depending on how the song is supposed to be sung it could sound better if you were to get rid of the contraction and make "we're" into "we are." (hint, hint, nudge nudge. Get rid of the contraction!)

(Chorus)
Trapped and mute and deaf to each other. I really like this line. My only suggestion might be to change "each other" to "one another" for a smoother flow.
Why is it so hard just to say what we feel? Definitely a typical teenager cliche. I've seen (and sadly, used) this so many times. Be a bit sharper, what other ways could you express the same emotion and thought?
We are lost and alone and we shouldn’t be. I think getting rid of "and alone" makes the line flow better. Also it would be great if you could go a little more in depth and tell us what exactly what these words mean.
What we call love is not real. I would simply change these words to "Our love is not real." It seems bolder and seems to hold more strength.

So here it goes. I’ll tell you what I need. You never do end up telling what you need. This could be a great way to expand your song to make it just a little bit longer. Maybe add another stanza including this.
But it won’t make a difference to me. <-- simply sounds better.
You don’t want to know; you just want to stand there. Stand where? Why? Explain this a little better because right now it seems out of place and random.
And I can’t breathe with all this tense air. Again, I think this just chops it down a little and makes it sound better.
So we’re still I vote no contraction! Also if this were my song I would get rid of the word "so"

(Chorus)

I’m gonna take some time.
Try to clear my mind. I think this should be either "to try and clear my mind" or "to clear my mind."
And maybe you can find
Something in the meantime This line does not sound good to me. It seems rough and out of place.
So we’re not Again, I vote no "so" and no contraction!

Trapped and mute and deaf to each other. Same as I said in the chorus.
But you’ll never learn to just say what you feel.
We’ll be lost and alone and I don’t want to be.
I don’t want love when the love is not real. I have to say I really like this last line. Nice job.

Great job. I overall think that this song is one big cliche but that is okay because song writing is about learning and revising. It takes a lot of work to clear your writing (and mind) of cliches. Keep writing, I'll be looking for more lyrics from you!