Young Writers Society

Your heartbeat is such a soothing tune
And your voice resounds throughout this room
I close my eyes and embrace the croon
Asleep and quite still inside this room
Until...

I make a move and make you smile
I don't know why it does, but I feel the energy
I make movements that make you smile
Will I remember this and lose all your energy?
Your electric symphony

It is so dark and lonely in here
I stay with you each step that you take
And when an unseen wall soon appears
In silence I scream but can't escape
That's when...

I make a move and make you smile
I don't know why it does, but I feel the energy
I make movements that make you smile
Will I remember this and lose all your energy?
Your electric symphony

Oh, as the light outstretches around me
I hear a scream that just terrifies me so
Where is it coming from, I just can't see
But as I calm down it suddenly just goes
I come to realize that it came from me
From me...

I'm so tired now
I'm so tired now
But then and then
But then and then
Then and then

I hear that voice
That soothing voice
And it comes with a shape now
Oh that sweet voice
That soothing voice
Is above me, what a shape
But when...

I made a move I made it smile
I don't know what it is, but I feel the energy
I made movements that made it smile
Something tells me that I will just crave its energy
Its electric symphony

Oh my god its you again!! Haha i saw the title and felt I had to read it, so well done with making an interesting title to start of with!

WOW. I love it!! Reading it, it could seriously be professional. You have this amazing ability to be able to tell a story in your lyrics and also bring a poetic quality to it, especially with the metaphor of the electric symphony which you kept going through the whole song. And you seem to have this natural talent for making words rhyme and fit well together and flow (I'm Jealous haha) Even your less eloquent parts like

I'm so tired now
I'm so tired now
But then and then
But then and then
Then and then

Are great. You don't use short lines sparingly which makes sure that it doesn't get the horrible, generic pop sound. Every one of your lyrics is really different and original. I hope you write the music behind it because i seriously believe you could take this talent somewhere. No complaints, wouldn't change a thing! Your obviously going through a writing phase at the moment (unless you have the time to write all the time- i know i don't) so keep posting. Song-writing can be VERY emotionally therapeutic. Well done! And sorry to be so un-constructive in my non-present criticism. -Rachel

Hi there!

This is reall good. I've read a lot or your lyrivs (probably four or five of them) and they never seem to disappoint. You really do a great job with making the lyrics flow really well. I'm impressed!

Moving onto this piece: the first stanza really pulled me in. It sounds great and you did a good job picking the right words to use. That's really important when you're writing anything really, but especially a song. Because if you ever want it to be on the radio, you have to make it catchy. And then you moved onto the chorus:

I make a move and make you smile
I don't know why it does, but I feel the energy
I make movements that make you smile
Will I remember this and lose all your energy?
Your electric symphony

I have one question about the line I underlined. What exactly are you talking about? Are you talking about what you said in the first line of the chorus? I'm a little confused. But other than that, this is a grea chorus. It's got a good rhyme scheme and I really like the last line. It doesn't fall in with the rest of the rhyme scheme, but that doesn't really matter. I see it being one of those lines you sing after a little music interlude. You know what I mean?

One thing negative I have to say about the rest of this after the first stanza is that the rhyme scheme is different. I know it's tough to find one rhyme scheme and stick with it (trust me, I hate to rhyme because of this), but it's very important. I don't know if you meant to have a different rhyme scheme or not, but if you did decide that let me say one thing. When writing lyrics to a song, you should follow the same "patterns" throughout the first two (or three) verses. That way, the song is catchy and gets stuck in people's heads. Than, once you reach the bridge, that's your time to get creative. The bridge usually sounds different than the rest of the song. Whether there was a modulation in the music or the lyrics don't follow the set pattern, it's different. So I suggest changing the first stanza up there to fit the rhyme scheme and then play around with the bridge.

One little nitpick I have with this verse:

Oh, as the light outstretches around me
I hear a scream that just terrifies me so
Where is it coming from, I just can't see
But as I calm down it suddenly I just goes
I come to realize that it came from me
From me...

This stanza has an ABABB rhyme scheme, but 'so' and 'goes' don't rhyme.

Overall I really enjoyed this. You do a great job writing lyrics! I hope this review was helpful and it didn't sound harsh. You are free to ignore everything I wrote if you want. Keep writing!