Young Writers Society

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Hi there!

lele253isme wrote:(Verse 1)
When we first met (First met)
I didn't even know your name yet (Name yet)
I tried figure out every chance I got
Who is that boy who stole my heart
With a head nod (with a head nod)
He did it with a head nod
These last two lines are confusing. What exactly did he do with a head nod?
(Chorus)
But it was nothing, it was nothing
But playground love x3
I was nothing cause
It didn't last that
It didn't last that long
A first glance
Can be proven wrong
It didn't last that
It didn't last that long
A first glance can be proven wrong I like the repetition.

(Verse 2)
Ay
We were so young
I never would've thought it would end today I think you should take out that word.
You wanted more
Than I could ever give away
You stole my heart
And you never even gave it back It flows better without that word.
We're back at the start
How you gonna leave me like that?
(Repeat Chorus)

(Bridge)
How could I have been so crazy (Crazy)
I really thought you'd stay my baby This is my favorite line!
As soon as the moon hit the sky
You started to cry out your goodbyes
But I'm not gonna lie
I thought this would last
(Repeat Chorus)

Overall this was a good piece. I could put a tune to it and sing it in my head. It flows really well and the grammer and spelling is good. Good job. Keep writing!

This spam review has been removed by Big Brother.

Don't have much of a review. I did notice some mistakes, but now I can't find them. So, maybe read through it once more and see if you can find them. I liked this, it wasn't a moody, depressing break up song, it didn't make me want to cry or anything. Still, you had enough emotion that it was very good. It was more angry than sad, which I liked. Also, it sounds like a great song. Anyway, keep up the awesome work!

I really like the concept of playground love. Most of us remember it only a little.
But I thought the lyrics were very well written and I too saw some mistakes but lost track of them, so I too agree you should review it just to make sure. =]
But the idea and the format are very well done. It's moments like these I wish I could hear the Melody to it as well. But lyrically it was very well done. =)

Hey, Lele!

So this song is absolutely adorable. XD I loved it to bits. The story behind it was clear, the imagery was very good, and it just worked very well for me. I couldn't help but say "aww :3" more than a few times as I read it. Very adorable.

You stole my heart
And you never even gave it back
We're back at the start
How you gonna leave me like that?

I thought the last question here was silly with the rest of the stanza. Maybe that was on purpose! But if he didn't return the love, I don't think it would've been hard to walk away. So maybe you're playing up an innocent voice for the speaker? In which case, I'd like to see more of that voice crop up in the song. Those childish, naive beliefs/ideas. Right now, the voice is obviously grown up with a more sophisticated voice, so it sounds like the speaker is reminiscing of a past childish crush. Food for thought!

As soon as the moon hit the sky
You started to cry out your goodbyes

This couplet is very cute. Written well and all that good stuff. I'm just not sure of its place in this particular song. No where was it mentioned the speaker was dumped at midnight/overnight, and the imagery more used here is of a playground. I wouldn't mind seeing more playground references in this actually, now that I think about it. Use can use slides, swings, see-saws, monkey bars -- lots of metaphorical possibilities that could build your song up almost twice as well as it is now. It would be fun, so think about it anyway! Maybe you'll be inspired.

Those are the only two points I had though. I very much enjoyed this. Extremely cute, and it made me think of past childhood crushes I had as well. :]

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey!
I liked it! you seem to have a future as a singer/song writer. It's really cute and made me blush when I remeber some past crushes I had . Good job and keep writing!

Hello! I'll try to review as best as I can.

First off, I love the repetition of verse one. It really gave the verse a lasting melody. I also loved how some of the lines echoes. The thing is, verse two didn't echo like the first verse. It kind of killed the melody, so you should edit the story and fix that.

Second, the last two lines of the first verse. Why was he nodding? How did it affect the MC?

Third, I felt this story, while written beautifully, fell flat with the scenery. You should've worked on the imagery; describe the boy and the girl. This story lacked describrive words. The imagery helps make the story flow.

Fourth, the emotion in the words. Even though we know the MC feels pain over this boy, we can't feel it too. You should put some strong words in the song, give the reader a feel of the MC's pain and heart-ache.

All in all, fix the errors and the song will flow better.

Good job, keep writting.

- Ariel<3'

Only thing what bothered me in the lyrics was:

When we first met (First met)
I didn't even know your name yet (Name yet)

Im sorry but the words met and yet are over used in so many songs. When you write lyrics try to use other rhymes.
other wise I enjoyed rhyming and beat in your lyrics.

To be honest Im getting a bit tire of broken love songs, seriously, isnt there anything else we can write about? War, politics, abuse, drugs, dancing, nature?

Anways hope to see more from you!

Hi there!
This was quite cute. ^.^ But I was a weeee disappointed cause' of the title. I think you should describe the 'playground love' more. How they used to play on the swings, monkey bars, whatever..you know? Describe their youth and the feelings.

Okay, first off, let me just say this is the first lyric/poetry piece that I have reviewed/read on YWS that really makes me feel like I could sing this song. The one thing you have to know about I review before I say this is, I never lie. I tell it just how I think, and if you don’t agree that’s completely FINE. I won’t get angry, and I hope you don’t when I say, this piece was great based on the first verse, but after the second, it just kind of…fell flat.

Let me explain in more detail, here I go.

With a head nod (with a head nod)
He did it with a head nod

Okay, two things.
First off, I disagree with Noelle, I get that you were saying how he stole your heart with just a simple head nod.
Seocnd, you might want to consider,
"With a head nod (with a head nod)
All it took was a head nod" It gives the piece a little bit less of a repetition feel.

I was nothing cause

I don't know if you were trying to say I or it, I personally like I better than it. It shows the reader how much you depended on something at such a young age.

Ay
We were so young
I never would've thought it would end today

This is when you start to really lose the reader. How old are you, what happened today that made you feel like it could never end? And the questions just keep coming...

You wanted more
Than I could ever give away

What did he want? You see now how age plays an important role now?

We're back at the start

I dont exactly know what you mean by this line.

As soon as the moon hit the sky
You started to cry out your goodbyes

Not to be mean...but I have no idea how these two lines play into this song. If he wanted to end it then why are you making it seem here like he's falling to his knees because he doesnt want to let you go? Plus, why is it night? Where are you? Is this night an important one for the two of you?

I mean, after the first verse, the entire song not only gets more and more confusing, it almost sounds like your trying to create a radio number one hit. Don’t get me wrong, I love the radio, but I believe the best songs are the ones that don’t repeat the same two lines ten times, have a bridge that tells a true story, and are honest. I am sorry but I didn’t really get or even see a story occur after the first verse in this piece.
~SnowBerry.