Young Writers Society

It's the fire burning deep inside.
Nowhere to run,
Nowhere to hide.

When the moon will rise tonight.

Out there, just two lonely souls.
In the sand,
Out in the cold.

When the moon will rise tonight.

Just follow my steps
'Cause things get better yet.
No, you aint dreaming,
You truly are seeing the moon.
When the moon will rise tonight.

Embrace this moment.
Feel the passion
And lie with me,
Entwined with me.
Under the stars,
In the light of the moon.
When the moon will rise tonight.

The waves are crashing onto the shore.
On this beach
Pleading for more.

When the moon will rise tonight

Embrace this moment.
Feel the passion
And lie with me,
Entwined with me.
Under the stars,
In the light of the moon.
When the moon will rise tonight.

No beginning.
No end.
Every turn.
Every bend.
It will all come together
This night
Once again.

When the moon will rise tonight.

Hi there!

This is a very good piece. I enjoyed it. You did a good job with your imagery and such. Your grammer and spelling is good so no worries there. Now I understand that this is a song and phrases tend to repeat in songs, but I think you may have repeated 'When the moon will rise tonight' one too many times. It is there after every stanza.

Just follow my steps
'Cause things get better yet will get better.
No, you aint dreaming,
You truly are seeing the moon.
When the moon will rise tonight.

The last two lines don't really make sense. It seems to be a little contradictury (I don't think I spelled that right). At first you say that they're seeing the moon now, but the moon will rise again later. If you change the last line and put spaces before 'When the moon will rise tonight' it'll make more sense.

Overall this is a great piece. Keep writing!

Hello there!

I very much enjoyed your piece. You have some awesome imagery, and I actually liked the repetition of the line "When the moon will rise tonight." I dunno what kind of music you had planned for it. I can kind of hear it a quiet, whispy (?) sound to it -- lots of passion I guess? Probably makes no sense.

Anyhoot, there were a couple lines I wasn't quite sure about. But overall, I don't have any complaints. I think you did very well with this!

Out there, just two lonely souls.

I didn't think the word "lonely" works here, since they're not alone. They have each other. xD It could be a nitpick to ignore though probably!

You truly are seeing the moon.
When the moon will rise tonight.

This is probably the only spot where I'm not sure I like the repetition of "moon." Maybe you can rephrase the first line here if taking away the second line will cause chaos. Of course, the lines didn't seem to work together. Noelle pointed this out (I know, I peeked! D8) that they contradicted each other. So work on this bit!

Embrace this moment.
Feel the passion
And lie with me,
Entwined with me.
Under the stars,
In the light of the moon.
When the moon will rise tonight.

I liked how you repeated this twice! Is this the chorus? o:

I only had to spots. xD I thought this was very well-done, and I wish I could hear it with the music! Great job.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

verall I thought this was pretty good, so here's just a couple of things:

The first thing is that the first verse, every line starts with "This is goodbye to..." Maybe this is a personal preference, but it seems that having different beginnings to each line may make it flow a little better.

This is goodbye to beating myself up when things go wrong
It's not my fault that I reach a point where I can't be strong


About this part, I felt like the "it's not my fault" was kind of opposite of what this was about - like it was all saying, "I caved in but now I'm stronger." But then this line is saying that they're not to blame for their own mistakes.

Now here are the lines I really liked:

This is goodbye and I'm letting go of the things of my past
I'm still surprised that I allowed it to last
I can't control what's been done, I can only move on
Things that once were are no longer here; they're dead and gone.



Now I must go, and as I leave all this behind
I'd say it's been swell, but I don't want to leave on a lie



I thought these were really good. And overall, your lyrics are. I wish I could actually listen to them, but with the right beat I can picture this making an awesome song.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

I agreeee