Young Writers Society

My verse from a track off my EP.

When we first me I knew it was magic,
A year plus later, baby you still my habit,
But now it's gettin' tragic,
My love is like a bandit,
Stealin' u away from your friends God Damn it,
Baby believe I didn't mean for this
You feel locked away and your friends you miss,
Now you're getting bored what happened to this?
Is it over? I don't want to admit.
'Cuz baby you're the star that I can't loose,
And baby boo, your the one I choose,
And I wanna be the one that you choose too,
That makes you happy when your sad and blue.
But aw man I kinda messed all that up,
Your another victim of my drunken love,
But you're like the star that shine from above,
If I loose her then my star's out of luck.

This is the verse I wrote about my girlfriend while we were having some problems. It makes more sense when you hear the song.

If by any chance anyone want's to hear it you can check it out at www.myspace.com/koaxe

Amnien wrote:My verse from a track off my EP.

When we first me I knew it was magic,
A year plus later, baby you still my habit,
But now it's gettin' tragic,
My love is like a bandit,
Stealin' u away from your friends God Damn it,
Baby believe I didn't mean for this
You feel locked away and your friends you miss,
Now you're getting bored what happened to this?
Is it over? I don't want to admit.
'Cuz baby you're the star that I can't loose,
And baby boo, your the one I choose,
And I wanna be the one that you choose too,
That makes you happy when your sad and blue.
But aw man I kinda messed all that up,
Your another victim of my drunken love,
But you're like the star that shine from above,
If I loose her then my star's out of luck.

This is the verse I wrote about my girlfriend while we were having some problems. It makes more sense when you hear the song.

If by any chance anyone want's to hear it you can check it out at http://www.myspace.com/koaxe

what?? What is EP?? Hmm... It confuses me but I see a tiny greatness in it. Review and edit. Nice...

EP stands for: "Extended Play" It is basically a 3-8 track CD.

Yeah, I know it's a song and the grammar doesn't matter as much, plus you shorten words to fit the rhythm and all, but I'm going to go ahead and point out your mistakes anyway. Before that though, I have to say this was really good, you have a lot of emotion and it all flows well (as a poem, I don't know the song and am too lazy to click on the link and listen to it.) Now, for my nitpicks:

When we first me I knew it was magic,I'm assuming you meant when we first met.
A year plus later, baby you still my habit, You're still. And I don't really like the way the first part sounds.
But now it's gettin' tragic,Getting.
My love is like a bandit,
Stealin' u away from your friends God Damn it,You, please! And you should have a comma after friends.
Baby believe I didn't mean for thisComma after baby.
You feel locked away and your friends you miss,
Now you're getting bored what happened to this?If you changed this to it, then you wouldn't stop your rhyme scheme.
Is it over? I don't want to admit. Maybe say, "It is over, though I hate to admit."
'Cuz baby you're the star that I can't loose,'Cause. And I think this line would flow better without the word that.
And baby boo, your the one I choose,baby boo? you're.
And I wanna be the one that you choose too, Want to, but I'm sure you know that.
That makes you happy when your sad and blue.
But aw man I kinda messed all that up,I don't like this line. It doesn't rhyme, it sounds very uncaring, and I just don't like it. However, you do need a couple lines here, saying the same thing only better.
Your another victim of my drunken love,
But you're like the star that shine from above,Shines.
If I loose her then my star's out of luck.Again, why does this not rhyme with anything?

Ok, that's all. I hope I was helpful!

Hey, Amnien!

I had to listen to the track to get a feel for the first verse as well, but I must say: I was thrilled to actually hear it. And you put it to music, so that was so awesome! /giddy

I very much enjoy how the song goes. It's interesting how much difficulty I'm getting without the lyrics in front of me; however, the flow seems to work just well. I presume this is the verse you were having trouble with, so you posted it by itself.

However, I actually enjoyed what you had. Your verse two was very awesome. I especially liked how the bolded part worked out:

When we first me I knew it was magic,
A year plus later, baby you still my habit,
But now it's gettin' tragic,
My love is like a bandit,
Stealin' u away from your friends God Damn it,
Baby believe I didn't mean for this
You feel locked away and your friends you miss

It would be cool to see more of that come into play. I know you have the whole star thing going though, so maybe just more of that. However, you played with this bandit metaphor so awesomely, I'd like to see that more. Find some synonyms maybe to replace certain words. 'Cause man, I really liked that couplet.

But you're like the star that shine from above,
If I loose her then my star's out of luck.

I'm not sure I liked how the song ended. This last line I didn't think fit all that well with the song either since, from what I could tell, luck was never referred to in the entire piece. Now if you tied that in with bandits and possibly gambling, that could get really cool. That's all nitpicky though.

With the music itself, the intro "lykastar" repetition got... repetitious. xD It took almost thirty seconds for the verses to kick in, but there was also nothing interesting during that time to amuse me as the listener. I actually thought it would just be the music without the lyrics and almost turned it off. It'd be nice to hear more variety in the tune.

Otherwise, I think your lyrics sound/read very well. I can tell what the vague story behind this is, and the tone was done well.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!