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Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 85
Wed Apr 09, 2008 12:09 pm
Chanson says...



none of these re at all good, or revised, but i'm just enjoying the challenge of making myself write a poem a day.some days it's more challenging than others...and it definitely shows in the quality...

1

i want you to push and slide.
i'll slip and pull.
no roses, just the thorns.

nails on the back of hands 

tongue tip in the shell of the ear.
no love letters, just gasps.



marks where the circulation
stops. it's simple. just start. 

no dinners, just midnight mix-ups. 



damp crevices. hands wrapped
tight. hard teeth on soft skin.
no poetry, just instinct.

3

you're like a forest
after rainfall.
that heady smell of wet
leaves, rotting vegetation.
everything is messy, damp.
soil sticks to the skin,
crystal drops glint on spider webs.
in dark holes, creatures hide.
rain has made the soft moss
as dangerous as the rocks.
slipping, sliding though
the trees. the air is silent and humid
between the towering trunks.
anyone could get lost in here.
i am getting lost in you. 



* 


you smell like wet soil.
around you, i am stripped
of artificiality. 

basic instinct rules.

you taste like rainwater.
i dream about 
the pink cave of your mouth.
your lips are always
finding a way to find mine.

you feel like a rose petal.
my fingertips slip down
the dark soft path leading
into your waistband.

you are a secret garden.
inside your walls you grow
as you wish, nothing stops you.
hidden, you are free.

4

Hotel rooms are canvases.
We painted ours with misguided
Love and angry tears.
Tense days turned into exploding
Nights, the white pillow cases
Turned black, the cheap china lay
In pretty pieces on the worn carpet.
And I think you were the one
Who said it first but I was
The one who left in the end,
New room. New canvas.


6

She is nothing but a collage
of thoughts and ideas someone
else had a long time ago.
She is nothing but a reflection
of the books she scans, of the things
she read on bathroom walls,
the words still printed on her palm.

Sometimes she lies so still
she can hear the ice melting
in the glass beside her bed.
The soft crackle as the hard edges
disappear and become part of the whole.

When she forgets to look in the mirror
she spends the day with mascara-bruises
around her eyes. She could have been a writer
or a cellist, she has fingers that weave magic.
But she lost herself somewhere,
she disappeared into the whole.

8

There we were, held by the winter night,
sitting on the steps, in between there
and here and there was silence 

everywhere, not even the purr 

of a car, just the sound of nothing 

and the streetlights were more fire 

than light, the darkness glowed bright. 



There was nothing to mark the moment 

out as you raised a cigarette to your lips, 

the smell of them like burnt raisins, 

no lightening bolt or arrow struck me 

nothing to warn me except maybe the orange light 

of your cigarette, but very suddenly, 

in the middle of the silence, as you tipped your head
back to exhale, i fell in love with you 



and there was no going back then,
so i stood up and started walking towards home.
"And Matt Muir. Matt Muir, he's the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It's like the first time I heard the Beatles" Superbad
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
Sun Apr 13, 2008 4:18 pm
Rydia says...



April 1. The words of this one are great but you really need to fix the grammar. Use capital letters and remove those question marks. You have a good theme, the flow is reasonable and some of the imagery is nice though it could be stronger. I liked the ending very much.

April 3.
slipping, sliding through
Again, the grammar needs fixing and I will try not to mention that again but seriously, these would all be much better if they were tidied up a touch. The theme of this one is very similar to the first but I prefer it because you've extended the imagery further though it does feel a little like prose at the beginning. Maybe see if you can change that?

April 4. Love the last line of this! In general, it could have been stronger with more emotion and a better defined persona but the last line was really good and the general theme and extended metaphor were nice.

April 6. There's a nice, gentle tone to this that probably shouldn't be there. You need to make this more dramatic so the reader feels for the girl and wants to know what happened to her, so that the ending has a greater impact.

April 8. I didn't like the ending of this one. It was quite a let down after all the pretty imagery but other than that, you built the atmosphere well and there's some great phrases. It flows nicely too.
Writing Gooder

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The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  








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