Young Writers Society

Here's all my poems at one time (because I didn't make a thread at first). The third one is the only one I really like. The other two are not good. Feel free to rip those to shreds.

Title: (no title) Date: April 1st


I got a nightmare last night.

Was it like last time?
Did you die?

No.
Not this time.
This time it was Mom who died.

Who killed her?

Ron.
He kills a lot of people.
I'm sorry.
Are you ok?

No. I'm not doing the best.

At least the fealing like your being watched is gone, right?

No.
It's getting worse, actually.
Sometimes I feel like he's just there, right behind me;
waiting to kill me.
Kinda right now.



Title: Autumn Date:April 2nd

A tree stands proudly in a valley,
its leaves a golden brown.
One falls down
as if shouting to the world
It's autum.


Title: I fall, I fly, I soar Time: 8:49PM Date: April 3, 2008
Like that shooting star,
Like that leaf from the tree,
I fall.

The blackness seems to be a blanket,
Keeping me from flying off.
I don’t mind falling,
It’s almost as nice as flying.
This way, I can relax, though.
I continue to fall.

Maybe it’s my imagination.
No.
Those are red eyes below me.
I start to fall faster.

The eyes seem to get closer,
And teeth appear.
They let out a high pitched shriek.

I don’t like falling anymore,
It’s like people say:
“It’s all fun and games…

Until you land.”
I struggle to get away from the blackness,
To get my wings free.
So I can begin to fly.

Voices whisper in my ear,
Hands pull my hair,
And red eyes glare at me.
I struggle to get my wings free even harder,
I don’t want to land.
With hard work, a wing is free.
My falling begins to slow.
Soon, my other wing is free.
And I fly.

My wings are free,
Glowing a pure white in the never-ending darkness.
Tendrils of evil grab for my heals, eager to have their hostage back.
But they cannot reach me,
Because now;
I soar.

Like that bird in the sky,
Like that kite flying higher and higher,
I soar.

April 3

I liked the line breaks you have here. They seem to work to help convey the feeling of falling. I really suggest cutting down on words such as "blackness" and "darkness". Use it maybe once, but once you tell us, we know it's there. Also try to cut out some of the repetitive stuff about flying and wings. I understand that's what the poem is mostly about, but you could add some nice descriptions which would help a lot. Good luck!

Ok, it seems as if i am a day behind for NaPoWriMo, but no. My dad's internet is down (I'm at his house 'till Sunday and I'm at the library right now). So in other words, here's yesterdays poem (I wrote it at 9:57 last night, so I'm sure its not the best.) Feel free to rip this poem to shreds! I'm sure it won't mind, and I know I won't.

Poem #4: Frozen World Date: April 4th Time: 9:57 PM

The wold seems to be frozen.
Stars hanging above me are like frozen raindrops stuck in midfall.
The silence is fog, trapping all the noise.
Even the time is frozen, the second hand forever stuck on the three.
Out here in the middle of the night,
I seem to be the only person,
and everything else
is frozen.

I'd rearrange the April 4th poem--start with the speaker. Move "Out here...I seem to be the only person" to the beginning. It's a more interesting exposition than the noncommittal "The world seems to be frozen."

Don't be afraid to use more description, and don't forget to get original! How can you use words in ways you haven't seen them used before? How can you describe such a scene so that your reader can get a good picture in his mind? What is the significance of the three? Try to expand past description in your poems--what sort of understanding should your reader come away with?

Good luck!
-Colleen

Thanks! I'll probably do my editing later. I really apreciate the advice, always nice to have it. (my dad's internet is back up by the way)
Here's my fifth poem:

Poem #5: Story of the KingdomTime:10:37 PM Date: April 5th

In a valley,
There was a kingdom, strong and fierce.
But now it’s deserted,
in ruins, and the castle barely standing.

If the castle walls could speak
they would tell a story.
They would tell the story of a young prince,
and how he framed his own brother of treason
after that, he poisoned his father.
To finish the job
he killed his mother,
all to be king.

The prince (now king) had everything he wanted, riches, luxeries, the kingdom,
except more power.
He wanted a bigger, even stronger kingdom
and invaded many small countries.

Only one kingdom was stronger than his,
and when the king came to invade, the kingdom was ready.
And they fought back.
The kingdom was demolished with the king’s dreams,
houses set ablaze and demolished.
They too, had to finish the job they started,
so the king was captured and killed.

There was a kingdom strong and fierce
but now it’s deserted
in ruins, and the castle barely standing.
If those castle walls could speak,
they would tell the tale
of a greedy, selfish prince.

Here's poem # 6! (I forgot to post it, but I did write it last night, at 9:19PM.)

Poem #6: Garage sale of memories Date: April 6th Time: 9:19 PM

The sign was old and fading
“Garage sale of Memories” it said.
An arrow pointed towards a house.
On a table was an autographed baseball.
“That’s the ball from my first game,” the man says,
“One thousand dollars,
Get it while its cheap.”
There’s a beaten up teddy bear sitting
And looking at you with those glassy eyes.
“I’ve had that one all my life,” he claims proudly,
“Three thousand dollars.”
A picture of a sailboat was on the table too.
“The first one I ever got on,” he says,
“Two thousand dollars.”
“Why so much money for all this junk?” you ask.
“They’re not junk,” he responds,
“They’re memories.”

I thought this was a cool idea ^_^ All the quotation marks made for distraction, though. Happy writing!

Thanks! The quotation marks kinda bug me too, I must admit.

Poem #7: Raining Ideas Date: April 7th Time: 8:42PM

The pen is stuck in your hands,
Stuck hovering over that empty page.
You think,
And think,
As a storm outside emerge,
One raindrop following another.
It sounds like singing in the silence,
A sweet, unforgettable sound.
They sing a story,
Of love, betrayal, and a happy ending.
As their song finishes,
Your pen begins to move.

Poem#8:I wrote a Symphony Date: April 8th Time:9:54 PM

You told me to write a piece inspired by rain,
the next day I gave you two measly lines.
Then, you told me to write a piece inspired by nature
you received half a page.
Finally, I was told to write a piece inspired by you.
That day,
You received a symphony.

I realize that some lines need work on it, because I was trying to rewrite it, so some spots are off topic and some need to be rewritten. Sorry its not the best (though none I have posted are the best).

Poem #9: Castle of lies Date: April 9th
It’s a landmark that gets bigger and bigger,
Filled with twists and turns of your life
And your lies are the building blocks.
Did you know that?
How each white lie you tell is a pebble
Added to your hated castle.
That fib from fourth grade,
Was the start of a tunnel filled with confusion
And anger.
Each stone affects another, making an elegant piece
Of catastrophes
Eventually the castle will fall,
Leaving you drowning in your own creation.
That last stone still heavy in your hand,
Secretly laughing,
That it was the pebble that made everything fall apart.

April 1: Firstly, this line reallt bothered me -

At least the [s]fealing[/s] feeling like [s]your[/s] you're being watched is gone, right?

You're right, it's not a great poem and I wouldn't suggest editing it, you'd be better re-writing it, but I will tell you what was and wasn't done well. Your two personas had the same voice in that, it was difficult to differentiate between their tones and the poem was generally lacking in emotion. Very much all tell and no show. However, I think you've got a good use of short sentences which makes the piece more dramatic and the subject matter could be salvaged.

April 2:

It's autumn.

This wasn't particularly poetic and I'd like to see more imagery and description. Also, you need to try to be consistent with whether you are starting every line with a capital letter or only capitalising after a full stop.

April 3:

Tendrils of evil grab for my [s]heals[/s] heels, eager to have their hostage back.

I like this one. It's a touch repetetive and I think you could have used stronger language and imagery but the content is good and the structure is well thought out.

April 4: Try to cut down on the repitition of the word 'frozen' but this one was generally nice. I think you should expand it to include more description and bring the persona into it more. Is this a beautiful sight or is it scary? Is it good that everyone's frozen - can she do what she likes now? Or will she be lonely? See if you can add more of a purpose or plot to your poetry.

April 5:

The prince (now king) had everything he wanted, riches, [s]luxeries[/s] luxuries, the kingdom,

This one is too much telling. Instead of describing the kingdom as it is after the events, start with the events and show us the character of the prince, show us his evil deeds. Then end with this image of a destroyed kingdom.

April 6: This was interesting. I agree that the idea is lovely but I think you needed more description in between and a way to get around the speech. You could simply describe the item and then write the price on the next line in italics and then have the small bit of speech at the end, the question as to why each item is priced so high. Maybe write it from a prospective buyer's point of view?

April 7:

As a storm outside emerges,

It's cute but it didn't leap out as a great poem. It's not easy to write a good poem about writing because it's been done so many times before that it almost always ends up sounding unoriginal. It's nice enough though.

April 8: Awww. I like this one. The simplicity of it actually works really well and it's cute. I was wondering where you was going at first but the last line is lovely.

April 9: This one is really good. I love the metaphor of the white lie as a pebble. I'd love you to describe how smooth and pretty the pebble is and embellish how little this white lie is so that the ending has a greater impact.

Wow Kitty. Thanks. I owe you a good critique (because mine wasn't the best). I will edit them later (or rewrite them) later because I'm swamped with homework. I actually wrote two poems for April 10th, but the one I'm posting is the one I don't hate as much.

Poem #11:I'll Give You a Picture Date: April 10th

The tears fall from your face,
makeing a puddle of sorrow on the table.
Eliza hugs you,
and Tristan tries everything he can to make you happy.
I find the picture,
the one with sunny skies, smile on every face, and -most importantly-
where your mother was still alive, able to fix any problem.
When you see the picture, you stop crying,
as you return to that wonderful day.

Will post April 11th's poem as soon as I write it.

Here's todays work of art.I got the idea from Via. Hope you don't mind Via, it kinda goes with something I wrote (then abandoned after the first chapter).

Poem #11:Memories of a Child date:April 11, 2008 Time; 9:02 PM

I walk through the forest of trees,
The moon shining brightly.
A girl, maybe twelve sings to herself softly,
Barely audible above the stream.
I haven’t heard her lovely voice in so long,
It makes me want to scream and stop what’s about to happen.
But I stay silent.

She steps on the small bridge,
Her pale skin glowing in the moonlight.
“Don’t do it Lilly,” I think, but she’s already leaning over the handrail,
her dark brown hair in front of her eyes.
“Don’t fall,” I think, right before Lilly falls over the edge.
She lands on her head, and dies instantly.
“No!” I cry, and run toward her.
Only to find,
That she never really was there.

April 10:

[s]makeing[/s] making a puddle of sorrow on the table.

This one was cute but it was too simple and lacking in imagery. I think it would be better if you extended it and concentrated on the emotions involved.

April 11: This one is good but try to avoid telling the reader what's going to happen before you show it. Try to give hints that the persona knows what's going to happen before it does but aim for something a little too subtle so that your reader doesn't realise that it's a memory until the end.

Thanks! I'll promise I'll edit them sometime (and I promise I'll review your work.) Here's my next poem, sorry I couldn't post them because for some reason my computer wouldn't let me get to YWS. So here it is;

Poem #12: (untitled) Date: April 12 Time: 11:29 Pm

When you blow out that one candle
And don’t make a wish,
When you go to sleep
And don’t dream,
You ruin one fairytale.
“But that’s for children” you say,
Then children will have their fantasies come true.
They’ll have their dreams come true,
That happily ever after.
But if you never dream,
There will be no dream to have come true.