Young Writers Society

Hi all, I am new to this site and i just heard from a friend about the national poetry writing month challenge. I 've decided to enter to keep my brain active while taking a break from studying and to try and improve my writing.

I'm two days behind so i'll submit two poems just now and then see how long i can last.
Feedback will be much appreciated.

Poem for the first day

The dollars, Pounds, Euros and Dinars
Did not create the Sun nor the Moon nor the stars
The Dolllars, Pounds, Euros and Dinars
Did not create this world in which we are
The Dollars, Pounds, Francs and Dinars, for them, the entire world you can serach it
But one day you'll see not a penny of it was worth it...

Poem for today

The doctor says, "Eat 5 portions of fruit a day"
The dietician says, "Drink 8 glasses of water a day"
The lecturer says "Read 1 chapter of Rawls' A Theory of Justice a Day""
Now i've said i'll write a poem a day!
But when is this "day" that i've been talking about
going to come?
Going to come?
Give up to get?
Give to receive?
Forget to remember?
Remember what?
That is what everybody wants to know...
But some say they know to want but just can’t get.

I keep saying this “day” will come tomorrow...
...
And yet more ellipsis...

But tomorrow has been over lapping me for five years now
Each morning she offers me the baton to take on
But I'm fast asleep, slowly awakening, dreaming i'm ready to change the world
But the world changes me from anger to sorrow, fear then hope.
Change or be changed?
But there ain't no change left, hardly even any notes, because they wanna
turn all tender to hard plastic cards
They call it a card of credit
But it only gives debt.
What was that earlier line I wrote...?
I'm not dyslexic
But i'm sure it was "Remember to forget",
Right?

Hey there! Welcome to YWS. And welcome to NaPoWriMo, as well.

The dollars, Pounds, Euros and Dinars
Did not create the Sun nor the Moon nor the stars cliche
The Dolllars, Pounds, Euros and Dinars
Did not create this world in which we are
The Dollars, Pounds, Francs and Dinars, for them, the entire world you can search it
But one day you'll see not a penny of it was worth it...

I have mixed feelings about this piece. It takes both a unique topic and an incredibly skilled writer to execute a rhyming poem. So much of the time rhyming poetry comes off as shallow and immature. To be effective at all, you need less repetition, less cliche description, and be a little less blunt.

The topic of this one was sappy. Yeah, yeah. Money doesn't buy happiness. Where's the originality in that? If you really wanted to write something money-is-evil related, think about dancing around your topic a little. Toss us some metaphors. Some similes. I want to be able to taste your poem. I want to be able to see it. And don't force feed us the moral of the story. Leave that to the fairytales, ja?

A grammatical sidenote:

All the currency you listed is not capitalized. Neither is the moon or the stars.

The doctor says, "Eat 5 portions of fruit a day"
The dietician says, "Drink 8 glasses of water a day"
The lecturer says "Read 1 chapter of Rawls' A Theory of Justice a Day""
Now i've said i'll write a poem a day!
But when is this "day" that i've been talking about
going to come?
Going to come?
Give up to get?
Give to receive?
Forget to remember?
Remember what?
That is what everybody wants to know...
But some say they know to want but just can’t get.

I keep saying this “day” will come tomorrow...
...
And yet more ellipsis...

But tomorrow has been over lapping me for five years now
Each morning she offers me the baton to take on
But I'm fast asleep, slowly awakening, dreaming i'm ready to change the world
But the world changes me from anger to sorrow, fear then hope.
Change or be changed?
But there ain't no change left, hardly even any notes, because they wanna
turn all tender to hard plastic cards
They call it a card of credit
But it only gives debt.
What was that earlier line I wrote...?
I'm not dyslexic
But i'm sure it was "Remember to forget",
Right?

Ah, the old write-about-not-knowing-what-to-write-about topic. Fun.

This poem radiates a really hectic and scattered kind of atmosphere. Not necessarily a good thing. Like the other poem, your tortuous babbling does a lot of telling, instead of showing. I think this piece would be better if you cut the first stanza and the elipse portion out completly. It has a stronger point then.

-Kylan

A three letter word which signifies
What many fail to recognise

Yet to it, many are in complete submission
Like a knife through a loaf, it slices through humanity creating division

Leads us to paths we think are straight and narrow
Many follow and dive, from 15 feet high, head first into a pool most shallow

This three letter word that leads the crusades
Around each soul as it masquerades

From one heart to another, smothering communities and kingdoms
We thought the white coats in labs had provided the oceans surface which it would sink from

But the fire is water and the thirst is burning
While we revolve around circular reasoning, slowly we're learning

Though led to false beliefs by this word of three letters
Through ages it polished the charming bracelets which kept nations fettered

This three letter word many claim sets them free, i'm sure you know
This three letter word...EGO

Hey, Nafees. ^_^

2nd Day: I really like this poem--it was the cute "writer's block" poem without the cute. However, you slipped into some informal language at the end that you didn't use at the beginning, and it was a little odd to see without explanation or transition. Personally, I would just take it out.

3rd Day: This sounded--a bit by content and a lot by rhyming scheme and almost-rhythm--a bit like a slam poem. If that's what you're going for, I would suggest going to watch some performances so that you know what you're going for when you try with rhythm and rhyme. It's relatively popular here--I don't know about your area, but if you can check it out. Then you'll have a sort of sense of where to go with your rhythm and what to feel as you read aloud (which I suggest doing with everything, even free verse).

April 1: This is cute. The random addition of Francs after keeping the others the same and that typo threw me but it's cute. It's not highly poetic or original, however. I think the idea is great. It's cliché but sometimes an original twist on an old theme can make the best poetry. Try to avoid imagery linking with the stars and the sun if you're using a cliché idea and certainly don't be so blatantly obvious. You want your reader to think they know what it's about but to be able to see other interpretations too.

Think about the more unusual aspects of your life that you like. How about peanut butter? Personally I hate it but a poem describing how someone would rather have peanut butter than a million pounds or dollars or whatever might be quite fun.

April 2: This poem felt a little repetitive at the beginning but it wasn't bad. I like the 'remember to forget' line, that was clever and it made me smile. I'd suggest that you look at it and trim away any lines that don't have a dramatic impact and then add others that do to fill the gaps. For instance, please don't tell us you're using ellipses -- 'and yet more ellipses' -- because we can see that. By all means have a line in the middle of them but something that adds to the poem.

April 3: The rhyme works fairly well but the rhythm could be stronger, maybe try to shorten some of the longer lines like:

Leads us to paths we think are straight and narrow
Many follow and dive, from [s]15[/s] fifteen feet high, head first into a pool most shallow [This could be cut to:

'Leads us to paths we think are straight and narrow,
Many follow and dive from the side, turns out it's shallow.' but to be honest, the structure limits you more than it aids you. Your lines sound forced in places.]