Young Writers Society

I actually love the line, 'just fractal, babe', but it feels like it belongs in a different poem. Take it out here, but don't completely scrap it.

But yeah. I do declare. I shall ramble about this later.

Suzanne, I really only loved the first stanza. It was amazing, and you just know I am a sucker for imagery

One line that struck me as perhaps too informal and thus irritating is "you can’t scream I’m happy!" It was too quick, too cut-up. Change it, please...

The rest was confusing and too familiar, I think. ... It was okay/good, but not great.

Hi Zeus!

I'm liking all of these thus far. I think your ideas are sweet and I like how you've set out each poem. You use structure well and your flow is great. ^^


About April 3...

While I like it, there's something about it that clicks at me. I think it's because the swap from the feline flowers to the black air confused me. It seem to hit without any warning. I love the imagery there, but I think just a small lead up would have been nice, because the black comes from nowhere. Of course I can see the juxtaposition of whiskers and grass there, which could be an indication... you might want to ignore my rambling.

Hrm, I did love your fractal line... I'd like to see you keep it, but that is perhaps because it's my favourite line.It does seem to not fit with the mood of the poem, but I felt it was sort of this last-ditch effort to keep the person there, make them look up and take notice?

I absoltutely adore your last lines. Nice work there.

I ranted a bit, and may have been looking too far into some of it. *ex dee*

I likes this, Zeus, I can't wait to see the rest of the month's work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Thank you! I'm glad at least one good thing has come out of this so far. On the other hand, I can honestly say this is a horrible poem. So if you are terribly disappointed, yeah, well. I am too! It's almost midnight and I neglected to create ideas earlier on in the day. Tomorrow [or, really, today!] will be better.

4 April

Late Night, Something, Something*

Land spreads too far between us
when all my fingers want
is to lace around your wrists.
Like a stupid child,
the trees and leaves and plains
between
shout, “Don’t think about it!”
because they know I’ll never get across.
From where I stand I can’t do anything
But I’ll still shout your name.
My throat will go raw and bleed,
I’ll scream so hard my lungs twist inside out,
if it means you’ll hear a fly buzz in the distance.

*AKA: I have no idea what to title this.

Zee! I already talked to you on MSN about some of these, but I thought I'd stick my nose in your thread all the same .

the 3rd is lovely, and it's great to see how much you've grown since I was last around!

Oh, and I definitely stole the title of your 4th for my 4th, but you said it wasn't really the title, and I loved it, so ha :p

Ed, you know you have the right to steal anything and everything from me. ^_^

Here is my first poem for the day. I have a strong feeling I'll be writing another one later today...I have to admit that this has become more of a way for me to put down certain feelings than to actually write good poetry, haha, although I do try to make it good. Some things though, this poem for example, just needs to be written--good or bad. It's much more for me than for anyone else. Oh well!

5 April

Except Now

Five and ten;
I see you’re reading again.
Is it good? What’s it about? No, tell me!
But all you do is jumble your words
and spit idontknows.
What’s expected for me
is neglected by you.
........Except…
You’re flipping the page faster
than your mind flies. You’re
laughing and there’s no disaster.
My heart bursts and I can’t breathe
because my brother is reading
and he likes it.

April 4;

This is really great. I love the theme and I especillay love the beginning and the end. Wish I could help more, but I can't find fault with it.

April 5;

This is also great. I love how the enjambment and the increased speed of the poem mirror your suprise, and how quickly your brother reads. I especially love;
"Is it good? What’s it about? No, tell me!
But all you do is jumble your words
and spit idontknows."

Thanks Jasmine! I actually didn't think about the speeds and enjambments reflecting my brother, but they do!

6 April

Nature sounds like Charlie Parker

The fog that embraces us
makes your eyebrows wet with dew.
Your eyelashes curl like rose petals
and when you blink
I go blind.

I try hard to focus on your melody
and how your fingers jitterbug on the sax keys,
but the decaying leaves scratch my ankles
and I can feel them turning rouge.
Why the woods? I’d ask,
if you weren’t jazzing for the trees.
Don’t ask silly questions,
your wrong note would say.

You sway with the tempo
and the tempo blows the wind.
My internal compass is spinning,
but my heart points to you.

--

I love the last stanza, but then I hate it. I feel like the two sentences don't want to work together, and they make me mad, but I'm tired and I can't find another way.

Oh, Tillychan, I adore this poem. " when you blink I go blind" was probably my favorite line, but the sheer weirdness of it was rather fantastic.

I think the thing that you're picking up with is that the last stanza has a rhythm like it's meant to rhyme, but it doesn't. If you don't want to have that "cliffhanger" feeling, I would mess with the rhythm a little so that we're not expecting that lilt.

I initially didn't like this one, but I then I warmed up to the casual, blah-blah tone it has. What ever that means!

Note to self: write a poem that doesn't have the word "you" in it, haha.

7 April

How the Silver Wears

The silverware shines
like your eyes did when we first met.
Who’d have thought soapy spoons, forks and knives
would remind me so much of love?
The spoons curve like your lips,
and the forks pierce flesh—
something all too familiar.
But the knives, I think,
the knives are more you than you were.

With a knife I can peal skin, remove veins,
and keep going until I find something brighter
than blood, more meaningful
than a soul, more real than pain itself.
My epitheliums won’t know what sliced them.

You’re silver plated like them, too.
You shined, oh how you shined when we met—
but underneath, you were a rusty nail
trying to give me lockjaw with your fists.

The only difference:
silver wears off you in minutes.
These knives will last me ‘till death.

Suz, I like this one a lot!

I may or may not return for a more meaningful critique later.

you're definitely working on all the right things, my only advice now is to focus on boiling away anything that doesn't definitely add to the piece, until you're left with the most potent and effective bit of poetry possible

Hah, despite how completely vague you were, Ed, I still managed to go through and edit out anything that didn't add to or make the poem amazing. I think it is better for it!

& Colly> You liking something by me "a lot" means it is automatically really awesome. I'm happy.

Suz - here I've just rearranged the poem a tad, the way I might edit it.

How the Silver Wears


Who’d have thought soapy spoons, forks and knives
would remind me so much of love?
The silverware shines
like your eyes did when we first met.
The spoons curve like your lips,
[s]and [/s]the forks pierce flesh—
[s]something all too familiar.[/s]
But the knives, I think,
the knives are more you than you were.

With a knife I can peal skin, remove veins,
and keep going until I find something brighter
than blood, more meaningful
than a soul, more real than pain itself.
My epitheliums won’t know what sliced them.

You’re silver plated[s] like them, too[/s].
[s]You shined, oh [/s]how you shined when we met—
but underneath, you were a rusty nail
[s]trying to give me lockjaw with your fists.[/s]

The only difference:
silver wears off you in minutes.
These knives will last me ‘till death.

Fantastic last line, I have to say. And clever title as well. I think the line about the forks piercing flesh doesn't make a lot of sense in the context of comparing it to a person--that whole bit about the spoons being like the lips and then the forks...that could all go, really, because you want to focus on the knives in the poem. I'm also not sure about the second stanza; the tone of this stanza doesn't seem to match the tone of the rest of the poem, and isn't as direct in its comparison of the person in question and the knives.
I agree with what Ed said about "boiling" away the stuff that isn't necessary. It could get a lot shorter. Be super-succint; think about the shortest possible way to say something, or use something a little more subtle or metaphorical to say more than one thing with a single phrase...be multidimensional!

-Colly

P.S. You are in my poem for today. Thought you should know that.

April 3: This is so beautiful, Suzie. You have some excellent phrases and the dark, rather cynical tone is just perfect. Your persona is so well defined and there's such a strong voice behind this poem. I think it's one of the best that I've read all NaPoWriMo. I agree that the fractal line doesn't fit though I really wish it did because it's a great line, and I really love how you've structured line three.

April 4: The ending for this one is great. I think you could have taken the idea of her not being able to reach him further. Maybe used the imagery of a ravine or something? And I'd love some actual description of the person she's shouting at and what makes him so great. It's generally good though.

April 5: I found this one interesting. While not as poetically strong as the others, it made me smile because it's exactly the way I'd feel if my brother actually read a book. In fact, I was rather surprised when he made it through the Harry Potter series and those are the only books he's ever touched. I don't like the first two lines. I think the rhyme throws me off. The structure of the word except in the middle of the poem is good. And I love 'And spit idon'tknows.' Good work.

**I'll have to give my observations for the others later. I have a bus to catch. Byeee.**

April 6: I absolutely adore the second line of the second stanza and the whole of the first stanza is great, some lovely phrases. I'm not sure that I like the end of the second stanza, I felt that the recalled conversation interrupted the persona's observations a little and the same point could have been portrayed differently quite easily.

April 7: Now I see why it had to be silverware, lol. I love the title, very witty. I don't like the second line. Why eyes? Can it not be buttons on his shirt or his glasses or his watch? Something a little different, more unique? I love the idea of little brass buttons... Anyway, moving on. I agree that the 'something all too familiar' line could be removed.

I love the idea behind the third stanza, maybe expand on the imagery of the rusted nail and the idea behind the last stanza is great, I love how it works up towards that pun.